Not Always “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” For Everyone

December is often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, a month filled with joy, love, & festivities.  However, for some, it can be a challenging time.  In December 2014, I posted this comment on Facebook:

“December is a kinda rough month for me. We’ve lost five kitties over the years during the month of December, plus my beautiful Jasmine had her first stroke on Christmas day in 2009.  Yet another reason I don’t like that day.  It’s hard not to get overwhelmed with the sadness sometimes, but thinking about them today, in spite of how painful it is missing those wonderful, beautiful babies, I am so incredibly grateful they were a part of my life.  Bubba, Bob, Vincent, Delta & Doofus were 5 of the sweetest, funniest, most stubborn quirky & awesome kitties I could’ve ever asked for.  I truly have been blessed with some amazing furbabies, past & present.”

Little did I know that one awful cousin would attack my “negativity”, even though I still don’t find that post terribly negative.  Immediately after I posted this, she posted about too much negativity on Facebook & people need to lighten up because it’s Christmas.  I knew this was directed at me because she was already mad at me for not attending her Christmas party.  When my post showed up in my Facebook memories recently, it made me realize the importance of acknowledging that not everyone feels the same overwhelming joy during this season, that it’s perfectly alright to not be bubbling over with holiday cheer, & that we should not let anyone make us feel otherwise.

Christmas is often portrayed as a time of happiness & celebration, where everyone is expected to be filled with joy.  However, life doesn’t always align with these expectations.  December can be a challenging month for more people than you realize.  Bad experiences or losses can magnify during this time, making it difficult to embrace the festive spirit.  Some may be missing loved ones who are no longer with them, while others may be stuck dealing with dysfunctional family or in-laws instead of spending time with those they love most.  Feeling less than ecstatic because of such things during the holidays doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.  We are all unique individuals with different circumstances & emotions, & it’s important to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we truly feel.

The pressure to be cheerful during the holiday season can be overwhelming & can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.  It’s important to remember that it’s ok not to be ok, & that our emotions are valid.  We should not let expectations or dysfunctional people who try to dictate our feelings make us feel anything other than what we truly feel.

It’s important to remember that the holiday season can bring up a wide range of emotions & some aren’t positive ones.  By sharing our experiences, we give others permission to feel their emotions authentically & remind them that they are not alone in their struggles.

During a time that can be emotionally challenging, it’s crucial to prioritize self care & compassion.  This means allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment or guilt.  It means taking the time to engage in activities that bring comfort & joy, even if they deviate from traditional holiday customs.  This can involve setting boundaries with family members, celebrating on a day other than the one the holiday falls on or refusing to celebrate at all. 

For those who do try to shame those who aren’t filled with the joy of the season, try instead to extend compassion to others who may not be feeling the overwhelming joy you feel.  Instead of judging or pressuring them to conform, creating a space of understanding & acceptance will go much further, & foster healthy relationships based on love & respect.

It’s important to remember that not everyone experiences overwhelming joy during the holidays.  It’s ok to feel differently, to acknowledge & validate all emotions, & to prioritize self care & compassion.  Don’t allow societal pressures or other people close to you to dictate how you should feel during the holiday season.  Remember, you are ok, & your emotions are valid.

Subtle Signs Of Depression That Can Go Unnoticed

Depression is a complex & often misunderstood mental health condition.  It can manifest in various ways, & its symptoms vary from person to person.  While some signs of depression are well known, such as persistent sadness or loss of interest in activities, there are other subtle indicators that often go unnoticed.  Today, we will shed some light on some of these lesser-known signs of depression.

Depression affects individuals differently, & not everyone will experience all these symptoms.  However, by raising awareness about these often overlooked signs, I hope to help foster a greater understanding & empathy for those living with depression.

Depression can manifest as irritability.  People with depression may find themselves easily agitated or frustrated, even by minor inconveniences.  This irritability can strain relationships & make it challenging for loved ones to understand what they are going through.

Individuals with depression also may struggle to perform everyday household tasks, like making the bed or doing laundry.  These seemingly simple chores may become overwhelming & exhausting, leaving a depressed person feeling even more defeated.  The inability to complete these tasks can create a vicious cycle, as the mounting pile of unfinished chores further contributes to their feelings of worthlessness.

Depression often leads to a desire to isolate oneself from others.  People with depression may keep others at a distance.  This withdrawal can be mistaken for introversion or shyness, but when it accompanies depression it can be rooted in the overwhelming fatigue & emotional burden of depression.

Depression usually causes individuals to experience a constant stream of negative thoughts.  They may find themselves questioning their self worth, doubting their abilities, & feeling hopeless.  These thoughts can be intrusive & unrelenting, making it challenging to find joy or positivity in any aspect of life.

It also can leave individuals feeling emotionally numb.  They may describe feeling like they are going through the motions without any genuine emotional connection to their experiences.  This numbness makes it difficult to connect with others or find pleasure in activities that were once enjoyable.

Depression is not solely confined to the realm of emotions; it can also manifest in physical symptoms that often go unnoticed or are attributed to other causes.

One such symptom is unexplained muscle aches or pains.  Individuals with depression may experience bodily discomfort without any discernible physical cause.  These aches can be widespread or localized, & they exacerbate the feelings of fatigue & overall malaise that accompany depression.

Sleep & appetite disturbances are also common physical signs of depression.  Some people may find themselves sleeping excessively, struggling to get out of bed, while others may experience insomnia or restless sleep.  Similarly, depression can lead to changes in appetite, causing some individuals to lose interest in food & experience weight loss, while others may turn to food for comfort & experience weight gain.

Lastly, depression also can cause individuals to neglect their appearance.  They may find it challenging to summon the motivation to shower regularly, style their hair, or wear makeup.  This neglect further damages their self-esteem.

Depression is a multifaceted condition that affects individuals in countless ways.  By recognizing the signs that often go unnoticed, we can create a more supportive environment for those living with depression.  It is essential to approach these signs with empathy, understanding that depression is a legitimate & complex illness.  If you or someone you know is experiencing any of these signs, reach out to a safe friend or mental health professional who can help you.

For Those Who Lack Joy During The Holidays & Are Judged For It

Many people struggle through the holiday season for a range of very valid reasons.  Dysfunctional families causing unnecessary drama & misery, suffering loss through failed relationships or deaths of loved ones & financial struggles are some of the most common reasons, but there are many more.  Yet in spite of the validity of these reasons, many people are quick to shame these poor people, making their pain even worse.

My heart goes out to such people.  As I’ve written about plenty of times, I struggle through the holidays as well.  And, as many others have experienced, I’ve been shamed for that as well.  I’ve heard the usual comments like, “Focus on the positive!”  “It’s the most wonderful time of year!”  “Everyone is so happy.  Why can’t you be happy too?”  “Don’t be so negative.  It’s Christmas!!”  It’s no surprise, but comments don’t help. 

What people who make comments like this fail to realize is saying such things doesn’t make a person automatically feel better.  In fact, they only make a person feel worse.  It’s much like how saying, “cheer up” doesn’t cure depression or, “stop worrying!” doesn’t cure anxiety.

When you are faced with these overly judgmental people, it will be upsetting.  There is no avoiding that.  It does help to remember that some people simply aren’t very understanding others.  They either can’t or won’t try to understand the position of another person & unfortunately, they are everywhere.  This is how they are & they have no desire to change that about themselves. It has nothing about you that makes them act this way. 

There is also the fact that so many people have their own issues that they refuse to face.  Some people have come from their own dysfunctional, abusive pasts & rather than admit that fact & face their demons, they prefer to think only of happy things.  Traditionally, holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, so they are a great time to justifiably be focused on only happy things.  Or maybe holidays were the only time of joy they had in their childhood, so as adults, they cling to them to bring them joy as they once did.  Holidays also allow dysfunctional families to gather together & pretend that they are functional & happy.  Those from these families may enjoy this charade because even if only briefly, they can believe that they have a happy family.

One final thing to consider.  Colossians 2:16 in the New Living Translation of the Bible says, “So don’t let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths.”  Notice that even the Bible even states that people aren’t to judge others for how they celebrate special days.  Celebrating certain ways & certain days is traditional, but it isn’t necessary for anyone, even professing Christians.  God gives people free will to do as they please, & that includes how they celebrate special days.  If He won’t judge you for what you do or don’t do during the holiday season, then there is no reason to accept the judgment of human beings.  Do what makes you comfortable, & ignore the petty criticisms of people who don’t know your situation. 

Depression During The Holidays

Many people suffer with depression during the holiday season.  November & December are very painful for them.  Yet sadly, this phenomenon is rarely discussed.

Thanksgiving & Christmas can be a very difficult time for many people & for countless reasons. 

Even for those who adore the holidays & circumstances are good in their lives, there is the stress of extra money spent for meals & gifts, so much more to do in preparation such as meal planning & decorating, less time to relax & more.  This stress can ultimately result in anxiety & even depression.

For those who don’t host, holidays still can be very stressful.  There are family demands & expectations.  Many dysfunctional families have very high expectations for the holidays & everyone must meet them or else suffer consequences.  Having been down this road, I can assure you, it doesn’t exactly make a person happy during the holidays!

Often young married couples are pressured to spend holidays with their two families, which is very stressful.  Their holidays are a source of stress & scheduling to make everyone happy or consequences if they don’t.

There are also so many people who have lost a loved one to consider.  This may be their first holiday season without the loved one who enjoyed hosting holiday get togethers.  No longer having those gatherings can create sadness as losing them is what is known as a secondary loss to the primary loss of that special person.  Even years later, that loss still can be painful.  Or, even if that person didn’t make a fuss over holidays, holidays still may be a reminder that someone special is gone.

Many other people have had to sever ties with their abusive families, & the holidays are a painful reminder that they are without a family.  Seeing others happily spending time with their families or talking about how they can’t wait to visit with their relatives are painful reminders of what a person in this situation is missing.

People who are unable to be with their family during the holidays experience similar emotions.  Law enforcement officers, first responders & military personnel are some examples of people in this situation.

I recently read that an estimated six percent of people struggle with depression during the holiday season.  Many of those people don’t experience depression at any other time.  Some of them also have been misdiagnosed as having Seasonal Affective Disorder because they present with similar symptoms & happen at similar times of the year. 

It’s also estimated that 64% of people with a mental illness experience worsening of their symptoms around the holidays.

If you too experience depression during the holidays, you aren’t alone by far!  Many people share your pain.  There are some things you can do that can help.

I always recommend starting with prayer.  Ask God to help you however you need.

If you feel alone, try spending time with friends whenever possible.  Go out for coffee or lunch.  Hang out at home & talk.  If they aren’t available, volunteer with a cause near to your heart or visit folks in nursing homes. 

Consider seeing a counselor.  If you aren’t able to or are uncomfortable doing this, at least write in a journal.

Have good boundaries.  Don’t say yes to every invitation.  You don’t need to be constantly busy. 

Create new traditions either just for yourself or with your family.

If you feel you must visit others on the actual date of the holiday, set aside a different day to enjoy the day with those closest to you. My paternal grandparents never celebrated Christmas on December 25.  They celebrated on the weekend between Christmas & New Year’s.  That way, no one felt pressured to be with them on Christmas day.  They could spend the day however they wanted & still enjoy my grandparents’ annual Christmas celebration.

Don’t expect your adult children to spend all day with you, especially if they have a significant other or friends they want to visit.

Keep your expectations realistic.  Don’t expect to lose this depression easily.  One good holiday won’t cure you forever.  It may take several holidays to make progress.  Or, you may not be able to shake the depression completely.  I haven’t been able to.  But, since I know it will come each year, I try to find ways to bring some joy into my life during the season.

Don’t let anyone shame you for how you feel at this time! I’ve experienced this & can’t tell you how maddening it is. People who are quick to judge lack empathy & have no business hurting someone who is already hurting. Ignore them!

I hope these tips help you!

Good Can Happen After The Death Of A Narcissistic Parent

April 19, 2019 was a strange night for me.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was the night the police came to my home to tell me that not only had my mother passed away, but being her only child, dealing with the situation was my responsibility.  As soon as they told me she was gone, I immediately knew that my life as I knew it was over.  At that moment, it felt incredibly daunting & terrible, but as time passed, I realized it wasn’t a bad thing. 

I want to share some my story for those of you who are in the position of having recently lost a narcissistic parent or are losing a dying narcissistic parent.

In the time since my mother died, I have run through the entire gamut of emotions.  Her death made me angry, sad, hurt, happy, relieved, guilty & more.  I also had to deal with things far out of my comfort zone, such as making her burial arrangements, dealing with a huge error the cemetery made when burying my father 18 months prior, & dealing with my mother’s estate.  My parents had told me that not only would I never get any inheritance, but they had chosen a neighbor to be the personal representative of their estate.  You can imagine my surprise finding out those were all lies.

Anyway, there was good that came from all of this, & that is the point of this post. 

Without my parents, so much healing has happened!  The crippling agoraphobia I lived with since 1996 has all but vanished.  I still get anxious in stores sometimes & try to avoid crowded times, but compared to what it once was, this is fantastic! I can go out alone now!

My self esteem has improved greatly too.  I can’t say 100% healthy but I can say a lot closer to that than it once was.  As a result, I am setting healthier boundaries now & have even less tolerance of abusive behavior.

There is also a sense of freedom I have never felt in my life.  For the first time, I know I can leave home & not run the risk of running into my parents around town.  I know when my phone rings, it won’t be either of them dumping all of their complaints about their marriage on me with no respect to how uncomfortable & painful that was for me. 

Best of all, yet also the most mysterious of all, is how the level of shame I once felt has decreased drastically.  I truly don’t understand the connection but when my mother died, it was as if the toxic shame I once felt vanished.  Naturally I’m still not proud of things I have done in my life, but I no longer feel intense shame about them or the person I am.  It’s wonderful!

I am telling you this to encourage you.  If your narcissistic parent is dying or has died, it is going to be a very hard time for you.  You may feel relieved they are gone & then guilt for feeling that relief.  You may grieve the parent you never had.  You may feel all the years of anger rear their ugly head at once.  You may feel numb.  You may feel something entirely different.  It’s impossible to say what you will feel.  There seems to be no way to predict what you will feel other than guilty since that seems to be a constant among others who have lost a narcissistic parent.  If you are losing your second narcissistic parent, it may be entirely different for you than when your first one passed. When my father died, I was shocked I felt so numb. I barely shed any tears after his death, probably because I had grieved him so long while he was alive.  When my mother died almost exactly 18 months later, I felt devastated.  Losing a narcissistic parent is a strange thing to put it mildly.  That being said though, it also can open doors to some very good things.  When you feel able, look for the good.  The good things really can carry you through all of the bad.  You will be shocked at just how much good came from it! 

Also, I’m not saying only look at the good & ignore the bad.  That is unhealthy.  Feel the bad feelings.  Sit with them.  Acknowledge them.  Accept that they are there & do so without judgment.  Pray about them.  Write about them in your journal.  Talk about them with a safe friend, therapist or pastor.  Have balance & be gentle with yourself during this very trying time.

When Someone You Know Is Suffering

 

Some Thoughts On Suicide

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

 

A little while ago, I read about Brittany Maynard, the termanilly ill young woman who chose assisted suicide.  Something popped into my mind..

 

It is amazing that people are calling her brave & strong & other such positive things, yet if someone who lives with depression, PTSD/C-PTSD or another mental illness commits suicide, they are labeled such terrible things as selfish or cowardly.  I don’t understand what the difference is.

 

First off, I just want to say that I am not passing any judgement on Ms. Maynard.  Honestly, I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same in her situation.  No one knows what they would do unless in the situation.  What I am saying is what makes people call her brave for opting to end her life rather than face the pain & suffering of a horrible disease, yet label someone who is depressed enough to want to end their suffering through suicide is a selfish coward?  Neither person wants to suffer any longer.  Both are tired of the pain.

 

It just breaks my heart, the lack of empathy & compassion in the world.  They also seem to be very selective on the rare occasion they do show up.  In fact, there is a line in the movie, “John Q” that comes to my mind often.  If you don’t know the movie, it is a great one!  Denzel Washington plays the father of a young boy in need of a heart transplant.  He & his wife don’t have proper insurance to cover the procedure, & he holds several people hostage in the hospital out of desperation.  The police are called in to try to talk him into releasing the hostages safely.  The negotiator, played by Robert Duvall, tells him, “Do you think these people (the crowd & tv crews) really care?  You’re just the cause of the moment!”  That statement is so true!  People are so fickle!  They may support a cause passionately, but as soon as something else comes up, the first cause will be abandoned.

 

Anyway, back to the original topic.  Choosing to end one’s life isn’t selfish or cowardly.  it simply means someone is tired of pain & wants to avoid further suffering.  It also doesn’t mean that person is weak.  Any person can only handle so much suffering before wanting an end to it.  I  urge you  to have compassion on those who are considering suicide rather than pass judgement.  If you know someone is suicidal, talk to her! Show her gentleness, love  & understanding.  Maybe all she needs to know is that someone cares.  Maybe showing her that you care will help her to choose not to take her  life.

 

If it’s you that is contemplating suicide, please know I understand what you are going through!  I’m so sorry that you are in such a terrible place!  Please reach out to someone for help- a non-judgmental friend or relative , your pastor, a counselor or even the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.   Most of all, reach out to God!  Tell Him how you feel, & allow Him to help you.  The world would not be the same place without you!  You are a special, unique person & the world needs you!  Please think very carefully & reach out for help before doing anything rash!  xoxo

What Happened To Empathy And Compassion??

I read something very disturbing on facebook this morning.  It was triggering for me, so read on with caution…

One of my friends on there is the daughter of a very precious friend of mine who passed away a few years ago.  This morning, she posted that her brother just committed suicide.  He hung himself with his belt.  She later wrote that their father would beat them as children with his belt, & he was always depressed.  This poor young man must have had a very difficult life.

As if this fact wasn’t tragic enough, some of the responses she got infuriated me.  People told stories of someone they knew who took their own life, or said how sad this made them.  One responder even called her brother selfish for doing this.

Selfish?  Really?  Obviously this person has absolutely no idea what it’s like to be suicidal.

To be suicidal is to be in the most lonely, depressing place imaginable with no signs of escape or that anyone cares you are there.  You believe suicide will end your suffering, & end the burden you place on your loved ones.  Logically, it seems like suicide is the only means of making things better.  After all, you rationalize, it’s not like anyone would care if you were gone anyway, & they might just be relieved not to have to deal with you anymore.  You honestly believe you are doing the world, especially those you love, a favor by killing yourself.  There is nothing selfish or cowardly about suicide.

Living with C-PTSD, I think about it often.  In fact, I have for most of my life.  Thankfully, I’m aware that suicidal ideation is a normal part of this awful disorder, so I won’t follow through with my thoughts.

Being suicidal is the worst feeling in the world, I believe. Then to have this young man’s suicide brushed off as if it was a stupid, selfish action like gambling away rent money, or something to be compared to others’ situations infuriated me. I realize in difficult situations, most people don’t know what to say.  Rather than admit that simple fact, they often end up saying something ignorant, stupid or extremely hurtful. The truth is, however, most people would rather hear something like, “I’m so sorry that happened to you. I don’t know what to say about it, but if you need me, I’m here for you.” than to hear some anecdote, how much worse someone else has it, or even “You should be glad his suffering is over now & he’s in a better place.”  Comments like this are extremely painful!  How would you like to hear that you should be glad your loved one who died yesterday is gone?  Wouldn’t that hurt you?  Then it will hurt someone else too!

Please just think about what you say to someone in time of suffering before you speak!  Don’t just blurt out cliches,because they come across as hurtful & insensitive.  The last thing someone in a dark place needs to hear is something  that will hurt them.  Offer to listen, to pray with & for that person, to handle some chores they need done, to run errands for them or even cook for them.  Encourage them to grieve- there is no other way to come to grips with a loss other than to go through the grief process, no matter how long  it takes.  Use common sense when dealing with people who are suffering- if it would hurt you if someone said or did something to you, then it will hurt them too, so just don’t do it!

And, when it comes to someone who has killed himself, please don’t judge!  You have no idea what went on in that person’s mind to push him over the edge.  You don’t know what happened in his life, or how things affected him. You have absolutely no right to judge or criticize that person!

I really hope this post doesn’t sound like my friend’s tragedy was simple fodder for my blog. That certainly isn’t the intent. I just want people to think before they comment on situation involving someone they care about.  Suicide is a topic near to my heart as well, & having been called selfish as well, hearing another person called selfish who not only considered suicide but followed through breaks my heart.

January 3. 2013

Hello, Dear Readers.  I need a big favor from you today..

The 21 year old daughter of a couple of former friends of mine is currently on life support.  From what I read, the doctors are only keeping her alive until some of her family members arrive.  Please pray for her parents, brothers, family & her boyfriend.  No doubt they all feel like they are in hell, losing such a special, good Christian woman.

Thank you for praying for these people with me in their time of immeasurable suffering.