September 15, 2013

Good afternoon, Dear Readers..

I’m sorry for being missing in action the last few days.  It has been a very difficult week for me for several reasons.  I had a challenging lunch with my parents on Wednesday.  As I mentioned in my last entry, my friend’s kitty was kidnapped, which just breaks my heart.  I also ended a friendship of several years, because this “friend” yet again trivialized & invalidated my mental health issues.  I like her, but just cannot tolerate her ignorance & lack of compassion any longer.  Then Thursday, a storm moved through, taking down a huge part of a tree in my yard!  Thanks to God, the part of the tree that fell, fell in the opposite direction from my home & car, only taking out our ugly old chain link fence!  I saw the limb falling, & taking a part of another tree with it.  Well, sort of- the rains were torrential & the wind was gusting, distorting my view.  It was absolutely terrifying!  If that limb had fallen on my home, it could have killed my family & I!  All of this has made the Complex PTSD flare up.  Hardly a big surprise, huh?  lol

So now you know why I haven’t been around lately..  now, back to my blog..

My husband & I were talking night before last about the friendship I ended.  I told him I believe that even though she mentioned once that she was abused as a child too, she never dealt with that.  Maybe by me being open about my issues, on some level it reminds her that she has not done it.  She instead has buried her pain, & never says anything but good things about her parents.  Maybe that is why she has felt the need so many times to belittle me, tell me to “get over it,” or say “this too shall pass.”  I’m not positive about this, I am only guessing.  My husband said that sometimes people just don’t have time for the pain, or it’s too painful to face.  I don’t understand this logic at all.  

While healing is a painful process, & often a lifelong process, it is so much easier than continuing to live in dysfunction!  Yes, I currently live with constant depression, anxiety, mood swings beyond my control, anger sometimes, nightmares, insomnia, repressed memories returning to the surface & flashbacks, I realize it could be worse!  Before I began to face my issues resulting in being abused, things were much worse.  I attracted so many dysfunctional & abusive people into my life.  I had no self-esteem at all, so I allowed these people to use & abuse me.  It was so bad, I even left a man I cared deeply for, & married a man I didn’t love because he said I should marry him.  I also never spoke up to anyone who was verbally abusive to me, or had or enforced healthy boundaries to take care of myself.  I was constantly angry, hurting, feeling guilty for not living up to whatever people said I should be, & was suicidal for most of the first 25 years of my life.  I did not know myself at all, so I allowed others to mold me into what they wanted me to be.  I was deeply ashamed of myself just for being me- for looking the way I do, for liking things I liked, etc.  Worst of all, I feared constantly that I was insane, because I heard so often I was crazy & so many things were wrong with me.  Usually I heard this after confronting an abuser on abusive behavior.  I was told I was crazy for being angry that they told me I was fat, ugly, or stupid.  I “needed psychological help” because I remembered things the way they really happened, rather than agreeing with a person practicing “gaslighting” to convince me their lies were true.  

If you too are going through emotional healing, rest assured it is a good thing!  I know it’s hard, but you are working on your healing!  That is a wonderful thing!  It is so hard, I know, but it is so much easier than continuing to live in the dysfunction.  Make a list if you don’t believe me- make a list of how you were before you started healing compared to how you are now.  You WILL be surprised!!  God bless you & I love & am praying for you!  

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health

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