October 31, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers…

I was thinking of something yesterday regarding narcissistic mothers.  As you know, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Borderline Personality Disorder.  For some unknown reason this past June, she changed- she stopped deliberately trying to hurt me every single time we speak.  We’ve even had many pleasant conversations in the last 4 months.  It’s been so nice in many ways.  

In other ways, though, it’s not so great.  Although my mother doesn’t deliberately try to hurt me most times, she still does hurt me almost every time we speak.  Why?  Because she is simply oblivious to what kind of person I am, & doesn’t even listen to most things I say.  She didn’t care that I was upset yesterday when we spoke on the phone.  I also mentioned my in-laws in passing, & immediately she jumped to their defense, even though I have told her our relationship was so bad, I haven’t spoken to them since 2002.  Ever since I first mentioned having in-law issues, my mother has been their number one supporter, as she always does when someone hurts me.  

I know most people say that narcissists never change.  I believe that isn’t entirely true.  My mother has proven that by changing for the better & not being so cruel as she once was.  However, although she has improved, all is not well now.  I still have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- nothing she can do will fix that.  I also still have to be prepared for pain.  Like I said, my mother doesn’t often deliberately set out to hurt me, but she still does hurt me often.  Also, like I mentioned earlier, it’s because she doesn’t know me or listen to me, but it is also because she has developed a very dysfunctional coping skill.  When she remembers unpleasant things, she convinces herself the unpleasant events happened some other way.  My mother has convinced herself she was a fantastic mother, always there for me, supportive, & loving.  All of the psychological abuse- emotional, mental & verbal abuses- are forgotten, & replaced with words of encouragement in her mind.  Throwing me into a wall & hurting my back when I was 19?  Forgotten.. I’ve been told I’m lucky I’ve never had back pain.  

I’m telling you this because if you too are the child of a narcissistic mother, don’t give up hope.  Your mother may change for the better at some point like my mother did, contrary to popular opinion.  However, if your mother does change, there still may be pain for you, just in different ways.   The best way I have found to cope is to enjoy the good times as much as you can.  Have some laughs if possible, & enjoy the moment, however long it lasts.  Then when the bad times come, deal with them however you can in a healthy way.  Talk to caring, supportive people- friends, relatives or a counselor.  Pray- God always wants to listen & offer you comfort.  Be gentle with yourself during those hard times- don’t berate yourself for being hurt or angry.  Keep your expectations low of your mother- everyone messes up sometimes.  No matter how hard she may be trying, she will make mistakes simply because no one is perfect.  Set & enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  If you feel unable to spend time with your mother, then don’t spend time with her.  In my book, “You Are Not Alone!” (available in ebook form & print here:  http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Books%20For%20Sale.htm  ), I offer advice on ways to deal with abusive mothers.  There is also information available on my website that may help you here:  http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Problem_Mothers.htm

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health

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