Some Things I Learned During A Very Hard Time In My Life

Tomorrow will be 6 years since I decided to divorce my husband.  Yes, we’re still married, but that day, I had enough.  I was fed up with so many problems that no matter what I did, I couldn’t fix, & he wasn’t willing to work on.  I felt like I was married to a stranger- I didn’t understand why he acted the way he did at this time, & frankly, I didn’t care what his motives were.  I was angry & hurt.  
Every year around April 7th, I get depressed & angry.  Like it or not, I can’t stop remembering that awful day in 2008. 
I also get angry at some people who I tried to talk to about things at that time.  I heard advice from people who weren’t even married.  It was absolutely frustrating at best.  The advice I got that hurt me the most was, “You need to forgive him.  You can’t hold onto this anger forever!”  (I heard this within days of reaching my decision, by the way)
*sighs*
I am definitely pro-forgiveness.  It doesn’t do anyone any good to hang onto anger while the person who made you angry is living their life, not caring that you are suffering.  However, I also believe to fully forgive, you need to process that anger.  Feel it, get it out, & then you can let it go.  Time helps some, sure, but so does prayer.  I cried to God many times in my frustration & anger, & yanno something?  He can take it!  He understood how I felt & comforted me.  And, He helped me get rid of most of the anger I felt in time.  It didn’t happen overnight.  It took me many months.  Plus, here we are, 6 year later, & I still have some moments of anger & hurt every April, some being better than others.  Forgiveness is truly a process, & can’t always happen quickly, especially when something traumatic shakes you to the core of your being.  Forgiveness often takes time.
Second runner up for the things I heard at the time that bothered me was, “No one can make you feel anything.  You have complete control over how you feel about what other people do.”  
*more sighs*
To a degree, I absolutely believe this.  If some mean-spirited person is trying to upset you, it’s your place to respond in an appropriate manner to this person’s games & not let them get their desired result of upsetting you.  If someone cuts you off in traffic, it’s your place to be the bigger person & not get into a fight in the middle of the highway with this person.  However, some people, especially those closest to you, know what buttons to push with you.  They know how to make you angry or hurt you like no one else can, & when they use that knowledge to hurt you, you are going to be angry &/or hurt- that is only human.  Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry but do not sin.”  God understands that sometimes no matter how good we are at self-control, we are going to be upset by another person’s actions!  It is part of being human & having human emotions!  However, at the time these things were happening, I was beating myself up for “letting myself” be angry & hurt.  Hearing people tell me that no one, even my husband, could make me feel certain things, only added to the emotional roller coaster I was on at this time in my life.
My reason for telling you these things??
If you are going through a hard time, please know you are normal for being upset.  It’s ok!!  You need to feel & process your emotions to get over them & forgive your offender or abuser.  And yes, sometimes people *can* make you angry or hurt you!  Especially those closest to you.  These things don’t make you a failure.  They make you a normal human being.  ❤

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health

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