For some reason, I’ve been thinking a lot today…
One of those things that crossed my mind was how incredibly damaged my thinking has been. I learned early in life to do as I was told without question, to take care of other people before myself & not to trust my own feelings/perceptions/instincts. As a result, I have done many stupid things & tolerated way more from people than I should have.
One thing that shows how damaged my thinking was is my first marriage. While I was engaged to my ex, I broke up with him for a few months when I was 19, & started dating other men. During that time, he called me often, making me feel guilty for breaking up with him, & making him miserable. I had many good reasons to break up with him, but they seemed less & less important as I listened to him. Only a few months later, I married him, then divorced him after a short marriage.
In spite of the guilt messages he (& his friends) gave me during that time, I still assume full responsibility for my actions. My thinking was so damaged, I disregarded my reasons for breaking up with him & my feelings & marry him, because he told me to.
During the breakup, I also began dating another man, 9 years my senior, for two reasons- he was pushy, insisting I go out with him, & my friend told me I should date him. While granted, he seemed much more mature than my ex husband, & was financially stable, he had his own issues. I didn’t know how bad off he was until recently when found out that he shot & killed his boyfriend & then himself…
Looking back at these situations, it amazes me at myself, & not in a good way! I’ve asked myself so many times how I could’ve been so stupid. But, rather than dwell on that, I focus instead on thanking God for coming into my life & teaching me so very much! Of course I don’t know everything or have all of the answers, but I am much more emotionally healthy than I ever have been. I’ve also learned to listen to God & listen to my instincts, thanks to having a relationship with Him. It amazes me how much He cares about every aspect of my life.
I’d like to encourage you to do the same things- listen to God & your instincts as well. These things are often difficult to do at first to those who also survived narcissistic abuse- they were for me too!-but they get easier the more you do them. And, before you know it, you will be surprised at how much healthier your thinking is! ❤