Struggling..

Recently, I posted about how I am going to be real in my blog- I’ll share my struggles, & not be encouraging 100% of the time in order to let people know that sometimes you don’t feel “up” & that’s ok. Since that post, the thought has scared me. I am naturally very introverted & it’s not like I’ve had a lot of safe people I could talk to in my life until the last few years. Neither of these facts makes me comfortable with opening up to anyone, let alone in a public forum such as this, but I’m really trying!

I figured today I’d try again…

The C-PTSD has been really rough lately. My sleep (what little I get) is full of nightmares, many of which I don’t even remember. I’ve been dissociating a lot. My memory is worse than usual. I have no interest in things I once had interest in, such as knitting & crocheting. I just want to hide out alone in my bedroom, away from people. Frankly, it’s extremely depressing. It’s also maddening. I keep reading things like, “Let go of the past,” “Yesterday doesn’t matter anymore” & other similar quotes lately. I want to grab these people who write these things & shake them! Good or bad, the past DOES matter! The past helps to form you into the person you are today & teaches you valuable lessons. Besides, if the past was so unimportant, I wouldn’t have C-PTSD.

My dreams are interesting though. The ones that aren’t nightmares, that is. I had a dream recently about a situation that happened last January that was very upsetting with me. I learned I need to come to grips with that situation. The rest of my dreams have 2 constant messages- that I need to improve my self-care since I tend to neglect that, & that I need to find myself again. As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, since I have been with my husband, I became “Eric’s wife” & lost “Cynthia.” I need to get me back!. I believe in my heart that doing those two things will help my C-PTSD symptoms improve. I just hope & pray I can do these things & stick to it! Like many victims of narcissistic abuse, self-care in particular is a very difficult thing for me to do without feeling guilty.

A phrase from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” keeps going through my mind- “To thine own self be true.” There is so much wisdom in those six little words. Thinking about it, I haven’t been true to myself much in my life. I don’t think many people are, truth be told. It’s hard to be yourself when you are surrounded by people who want you to be something other than what you are, & I believe this phenomenon is an epidemic in society today.

Being true to yourself means taking care of yourself, rather than only caring for others. it means resting when you need rest. It also means not losing your identity to please another person. While yes, you should change some when you get married since you’re now sharing your life with another person, you shouldn’t lose your dreams, desires, likes & dislikes. God made you as you are for a reason- embrace who you are & enjoy that person. I am working on doing that myself, & I hope you do the same!

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9 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health

9 responses to “Struggling..

  1. Karen

    So well written, honey. I am so sorry you are going through all this on a daily basis. It would be inconsiderate of me to suggest you put the past behind you. I would never do that. Moving forward away from the hurt and pain is a healthy step. You are such a strong, brave survivor! Possibly the strongest most gentle woman I have ever known. Let that knowledge continue to shape rather than stifle you. It’s all about to change – God has big plans for your life! Keep listening and serving Him. I love ya, girlie!! PS hope I didn’t offend you, not meant to

    >

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    • Thank you, Karen! I’m sorry I’m going through this on a daily, too.. it really just SUCKS! I thought (naively) that forgiving my mother meant this kind of thing wouldn’t happen. How wrong I was- the abuse she put me through did a lot of damage, physical brain damage, that evolved into C-PTSD & makes each day a struggle. UGH. It’s maddening! Anyway thank you for your kind words my friend. Love ya!

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  2. Cynthia; You are the greatest person I know. To those who would tell you to simply Forget the past, I say they haven’t lived through what you have and have no consideration for someone else’s feelings. And yes, you do tend to care too much for others and worry about upsetting them if you are having a bad day (week, month…well you know what I mean) and you show it. And you have often neglected yourself while caring for others. Sometimes you are too good for your own good (if you know what I mean). However, those who truly love you and care about want to help you as much as you have helped them (if it’s even possible as you have always been there for us). I am happy to hear that you are going to start taking more of an interest in taking care of yourself and bringing the real Cynthia out.
    Because I know she is a beautiful person both inside and out and deserves the best of care, love, and attention!

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  3. I relate to so much of what you have written.
    I’m sorry it’s really hard going and I really understand.
    And I agree with Windrider’s comments too ❤

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    • Thank you so much… that means a lot to me. It’s so good to know others understand. ❤

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      • Cynthia, you know as well that when raised by a narcissist that you are taught from a young age that they are the most important thing in their lives and that it’s your job to make them happy and if you fail to do this at all times, there is quote ‘Hell to pay’. And that it can come in the way of physical abuse, but most often it is psychological which I believe is worse. They will say things like “See how you’ve made me feel?” or “How can you do this to your mother when she is the reason you are on this earth”. Unfortunately, it carries over into our adult lives as we tend to surround ourselves with people who are the same way. No, they may not be full blown narcissist, but may be to a lower degree. Either way, we are taught to put their happiness before ours and to keep our own feelings and hurt to ourselves. Many of us make jokes to hide our feelings. Some of the greatest comedians were raised by a narcissistic parent. Then there are those like yourself that spend their lives caring for others and loosing themselves in the process. And it’s going to be hard for you to show your real feelings because you have been raised to believe that if you do, others will with hold their love (a narcissist favorite weapon on a child). But please, PLEASE understand that those who truly love you and those who understand what you have been through will be happy for you. You give so many unconditional love so how about giving yourself so of the same. Sorry this is so long, but you know it takes forever for me to get to the point (lol). Love you. (big grin)!

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