Recently, I posted about how I am going to be real in my blog- I’ll share my struggles, & not be encouraging 100% of the time in order to let people know that sometimes you don’t feel “up” & that’s ok. Since that post, the thought has scared me. I am naturally very introverted & it’s not like I’ve had a lot of safe people I could talk to in my life until the last few years. Neither of these facts makes me comfortable with opening up to anyone, let alone in a public forum such as this, but I’m really trying!
I figured today I’d try again…
The C-PTSD has been really rough lately. My sleep (what little I get) is full of nightmares, many of which I don’t even remember. I’ve been dissociating a lot. My memory is worse than usual. I have no interest in things I once had interest in, such as knitting & crocheting. I just want to hide out alone in my bedroom, away from people. Frankly, it’s extremely depressing. It’s also maddening. I keep reading things like, “Let go of the past,” “Yesterday doesn’t matter anymore” & other similar quotes lately. I want to grab these people who write these things & shake them! Good or bad, the past DOES matter! The past helps to form you into the person you are today & teaches you valuable lessons. Besides, if the past was so unimportant, I wouldn’t have C-PTSD.
My dreams are interesting though. The ones that aren’t nightmares, that is. I had a dream recently about a situation that happened last January that was very upsetting with me. I learned I need to come to grips with that situation. The rest of my dreams have 2 constant messages- that I need to improve my self-care since I tend to neglect that, & that I need to find myself again. As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, since I have been with my husband, I became “Eric’s wife” & lost “Cynthia.” I need to get me back!. I believe in my heart that doing those two things will help my C-PTSD symptoms improve. I just hope & pray I can do these things & stick to it! Like many victims of narcissistic abuse, self-care in particular is a very difficult thing for me to do without feeling guilty.
A phrase from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” keeps going through my mind- “To thine own self be true.” There is so much wisdom in those six little words. Thinking about it, I haven’t been true to myself much in my life. I don’t think many people are, truth be told. It’s hard to be yourself when you are surrounded by people who want you to be something other than what you are, & I believe this phenomenon is an epidemic in society today.
Being true to yourself means taking care of yourself, rather than only caring for others. it means resting when you need rest. It also means not losing your identity to please another person. While yes, you should change some when you get married since you’re now sharing your life with another person, you shouldn’t lose your dreams, desires, likes & dislikes. God made you as you are for a reason- embrace who you are & enjoy that person. I am working on doing that myself, & I hope you do the same!