Ranting & Raving.. (revised)

Good morning, Dear Readers!

Well, it isn’t really a good morning for me.  I really do want to keep my posts as encouraging & as positive as I can, but I also promised you readers that I would also be real.  That means some posts won’t be all happy & positive.  This post is going to be one of those.  In fact, I was going to write it only in my journal, but I felt I should write it in here.  Maybe someone needs to read this today.  It’ll probably be pretty long, longer than normal at least, so get yourself comfortable if you want to read this.. lol

The last few days have been really rough, & the C-PTSD is flaring up badly as of yesterday.  My head is simply swimming.  To start with, our little American Eskimo dog, Dixie, has been sick.  Thankfully, she is well on her way to recovery now, but not recognizing her symptoms at first terrified me.  My pets are like my children, so  when they are sick, I get extremely concerned.  Then my husband’s mother went into the hospital a couple of days ago.  I’m not sure she didn’t put herself there for attention, to be completely honest about it.  It wouldn’t be the first time she’s done that.  I think it was last year just before Christmas my husband told me she said that she quit taking her meds for a few days prior to going into the hospital.  Yep, I love narcissists.. NOT.  *sigh*

And, as the icing on this crappy cake, my husband & I saw my parents yesterday.

Recently, my parents bought a new chair.  Once it was delivered, my mother decided she didn’t like it, & wanted to exchange it for another one.  She called to ask if my husband would mind picking it up with his truck, as she didn’t want to pay another $80 delivery charge.  He said he’d be fine with doing it Saturday (yesterday).  So Friday, I said I should call her to be sure of what time to meet my parents at the furniture store.  He volunteered to make the call instead, which was fine with me at the time.  Now, I’m not happy he did this at all & that will not be happening again as I have learned a painful lesson.  Although I have told him many times, do NOT say anything about our furkids or his parents to my parents other than everyone is “fine”, he told my mother Dixie was sick & probably needed to see the vet in the morning, & also that his mother was in the hospital so we couldn’t make it a long visit.  If my mother hears anything other than FINE about any of them, I will end up very angry with either her nasty comments about my furkids, or fake concern over my in-laws.  The fake concern hurts me very badly, because she knows perfectly well I haven’t spoken to my in-laws since 2002 because of how cruelly my narcissistic mother in-law has treated me.  And a side note here- I asked God once why my mother does this.  He showed me that my mother thinks my in-laws have a perfect life- been married 60+ years, financially comfortable, nice home in a nice area, their children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren visit them often.  She fails to see the mountains of dysfunction in their family, only what looks good on the outside.  My mother, being a narcissist & naturally overly concerned with appearances, wants to impress them. By me refusing to tolerate my mother in-law’s abusive ways, I’ve embarrassed my mother.  In return, she wants to hurt me as much as possible by showing concern for them, as well as showing them even though I’m a “terrible person,” at least she isn’t bad like me.  She is good enough to care about them even if I don’t.  This is also why she has sent them Christmas cards since I first told her how cruel the mother in-law is.  Amazing what goes on  in the mind of a narcissist..

Back to the original topic..

The visit started at the furniture store.  My mother sat in the car, & my father approached us in hubby’s truck.  He handed hubby a booklet about county services for seniors I’d given my parents a couple of months ago.  He said it was because hubby’s parents probably needed it.  Really?  Hubby told my father no, they’re fine- my parents need it.  My father said my mother thought they needed it more, so they should have it. Hubby grabbed the booklet & spoke to my mother, telling her SHE needs this, his parents are taken care of.  I heard snippets of their conversation- she kept changing the subject, showing concern for his mother being in the hospital.  ARGH!  So while this happened, my father & I walked into the customer service area & gave them the receipt.  We waited a few minutes for him to bring the chair outside for us, & chatted.  Finally we were loaded up & ready to go.  I moved the truck over to beside my mother’s car to get it out of the way.  My mother said hi to me, I ignored her & waited for hubby.

At my parents’ house, my mother asked me how Dixie was.  i said fine.  She said “Oh?  Your dad said she was really sick.”  I said nothing further.  (I feel somewhat bad about that, because knowing her, she’ll jump on my father for lying to her even though he wasn’t lying.  But, not trying to be vengeful here, he has no problems throwing me under the bus with my mother.  Why should I feel bad that I inadvertently did the same to him once, yanno?)  So she then talked to hubby about his mother.  I continued ignoring her, but was stewing inside.  How dare she?!  Plus i was also angry hubby told her about Dixie when I have said many times mention NOTHING about her or the cats to my mother.

My husband, father & I assembled the chair.  While working on it, my mother brought out a plate of cookies & demanded we all eat one.  I refused.  All my life, my mother has insulted what I eat, how much I do or don’t eat, demanded I eat what she wants when she wants me to & ridiculed me for being fat no matter how little I may weigh.  When she tells me to eat something now, I refuse in order to set a boundary.  Plus, the emotional flashbacks I get make me feel like I did at around 10 years old when her abuse regarding food was so bad that I became anorexic then later bulimic: terrified of her anger if I didn’t do as was told or take her criticisms with a smile, angry, like I am too hideous & disgusting to live.  This feels HORRIBLE & it makes me angry that at 43 years old, I quickly can revert to feeling like I did as a child.

Finally, the chair was done, & we were ready to leave.  As I said goodbye to my father, my mother spoke to my husband about his parents again, feigning such great concern for their well-being.  I could feel the anger inside me bubbling by this point.  Then, as I moved to say goodbye to her before my head exploded, she said “Wait a minute.”  My mother went into another room & came back with a plate of cookies & a get well card for my mother in-law!!  She handed them to hubby.  I was in shock at this point.  She then hugged us both & told me she loved me as we left.  I practically ran to the truck.  I also realized when she has been especially cruel to me recently, she always says she loves me.  No other times.  In fact, I could probably count on one hand how many times she has said that in the last 30 years until this behavior began recently.

I cannot put into words how hurt I am by this whole episode.  I know my mother is extremely angry with me because I set boundaries with her early last month.  (See this blog entry)  I’ve been expecting a narcissistic rage because of that as I mentioned in that post, which meant I was expecting her to say excessively cruel, hurtful things to me in a public place.  But this betrayal & flaunting it?  And to top it off, my husband basically handed her the weapon on a  silver platter & doesn’t understand why I’m upset?

I am just depressed, hurt & angry today.  I feel so alone in this situation, & am so tired of feeling that way. I can’t talk to my husband about it since he doesn’t really understand.  I can’t talk to my father- he’s got his own concerns with how cruel she is to him, & those concerns are very valid.  He also won’t speak on my behalf to my mother.  I also feel like I don’t matter.  Again. I am so tired of this feeling!  My mother made me feel this way growing up.  Being a typical malignant narcissist, I was only there to be an extension of her, meet her needs & please her.  I wasn’t to “bother” her with having needs or feelings. Growing up, things haven’t really improved with her in that area.  My husband’s invalidating “I wouldn’t give it any credence” comment about my mother’s actions yesterday have made me feel the same “I don’t matter” feeling.  I’m so tired of it!!!

I’m also incredibly frustrated.  Something must be done with my mother, but I am too frazzled at this moment to figure out what.  If I speak up about her “Caring” about my mother in-law, it’ll feed her- she will be sure to show more concern for her just because she knows exactly how much it hurts me.  If I remain quiet, she will show more concern to be sure she is getting to me.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t… So, I need to pray about how to handle this after I feel better.

Right now, I’m wallowing in the self-pity place.  I know  this all too well, & I don’t like it at all.  But, I have learned some things since I’ve been here so many times in my life: this place is necessary, & it doesn’t last forever.

So many people will tell you things like “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” but sometimes you need to wallow for a bit, to feel sorry for yourself because you have been through something very painful.  I think of it as feeling compassion for yourself.  If someone told me what I just told you, my heart would break for them.  I would want to tell them everything will be fine & somehow make it better if I could.  So why not have that same compassion for myself?

I also think that the self-pity times allow us to process painful things, & we need to process painful things!  Sweeping things under the rug or ignoring the pain they cause do no good at all!  In fact, ignoring things can cause a great deal of harm.  I never really dealt with the abuse I endured until I was around 30 years old.  By the time I was 41, I developed full blown C-PTSD after living with many of the symptoms my whole life.  I wonder if I had been able to deal with things earlier, if I would have C-PTSD now.  Not dealing with things also can cause physical problems such as arthritis, heart problems, ulcers, high blood pressure, & much more.

If you made it this far, God bless you!  Thank you for listening to me rant & rave.  I hope somehow you were able to glean something helpful from this post.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I’m revising  this post only slightly…..

 

I saw yesterday that the card my mother gave my husband for his mother wasn’t in a sealed envelope- the flap was just pushed in.  Seemed odd to me, but I figured that meant my mother wanted me to read it.  Knowing her, that just made sense in her dysfunctional little world.  So, I finally gave in a few minutes ago.  This is the card- nothing has been altered at all. This shows just how hell bent my mother is to hurt me- she is sending a nicer card to someone she can’t stand than she has ever sent to me.  I honestly don’t even know if she’s ever given me a get well card…

 

This is the outside of the card...

This is the outside of the card…

& here is the inside... lovely wording, isn't it?

& here is the inside… lovely wording, isn’t it?

 

 

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11 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

11 responses to “Ranting & Raving.. (revised)

  1. Pingback: Ranting & Raving.. (revised) | Christians Anonymous

  2. Margaret Morris

    Hi Cynthia. Now it’s my turn to help you feel better. It’s OK to be angry, hurt and just literally pissed off. Writing about this episode definitely helps to purge it all out of your system. I am sure all of us with narcissistic mothers and parents know how it makes you feel. You are not alone in this. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Kindest Regards, Margaret

    Like

    • Hi, Margaret!

      Thank you so much. This did make me feel better. 🙂

      Yes, writing is a good way to purge, which is why I journal & sometimes write nasty letters to get it all out!

      Thank you so much for the understanding & the prayers. You’re a doll. xoxo

      Like

  3. Margaret Morris

    The card is just another example of how really sick your mother is. My mother never sends me get well cards but I know for a fact she has sent many of our friends from church cards when they are unwell. I do not ever tell her when I am sick or have hurt myself like I did last week when I had to see the physiotherapist because I hurt my back. It is pointless telling my mother because she turns the situation around to her and how many operations she has had. So in the end you get no sympathy. Margaret

    Like

    • Absolutely the truth! You get no sympathy. You could have an arm falling off & are told to suck it up. Let someone she wants to impress get a hangnail & they get all the (fake) sympathy in the world.. it is truly sickening how these narcissistic mothers are.

      Thank you for your understanding.

      Like

  4. It sounds like part of the problem is because this isn’t an isolated event — just your mother doing this on its own is probably harder for your husband to understand. It seems, from over here anyway, like it’s all part of a bigger picture in your relationship with her, that made this such a big event for you, and your husband probably doesn’t understand that because he doesn’t have the prior associations. I’m just guessing. I know it HURTS when a loved one goes against your wishes even though you’ve tried to explain the reasons behind your wishes. I’ve had people kind of plow over my wishes before because they just didn’t think my wishes made sense to them and their actions seemed harmless, to them. But it always leaves me feeling really disrespected and alone. You know? It doesn’t matter if they agree with my wishes or understand them fully– I still want to be respected and that my wishes matter. I’m not wording this very well. But yeah, I can understand why you’d feel frustrated, even though I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with a narcissistic parent.

    Like

    • Sadly, this type of thing has happened many times with my mother & hubby has seen it. I think with him, he’s so accustomed to his own narcissistic mother & her antics that nothing much really affects him anymore, if that makes sense.

      Absolutely it makes you feel disrespected & alone, & I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this as well! In a way, that can hurt more than the nasty action can, I think.

      Your wording was totally fine- I understood everything you meant. Thank you for understanding & for your validation. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sherry

    first, just a teaser, I never lick my cards unless there is money in them, but I can understand why you think it was on purpose.
    Now, I wonder if Eric does not know how to not say things, as maybe it is all he can think of with the uncomfortable feeling she may put him in if he doesn’t have much to talk about and what you don’t want him to talk about just happens. I get that way and darned if I hadn’t wished I said anything.

    No matter though, he has been with you long enough the validation of him saying sorry, I was wrong. Eric seems to be a gentleman and speaking up to your mom may also be very hard, but some day he needs to, as Henry finley had to do it for me with his mom and one time I finely stood up to her as to how she treated him. A boiling point may come, but he loves you enough to deal with your moms antics, especially over a chair. I swear that may be just away to get around you two.
    I am sorry your all flared up, but yes it may be time to think about it and reassess as to what to do from here. If you have to put a stop to being around her, then do it. Your a wonderful person and she steels that part of you way too often.
    Love ya girl.

    Like

    • I know many people don’t seal an envelope, but my mother isn’t one of them- she ALWAYS does. Never in my life saw her not do it.

      Unfortunately Eric said he thought he was doing me a favor by explaining why we couldn’t stay long. I told him she wouldn’t like it, but no explanation is necessary- “we can’t stay long” is sufficient & if she doesn’t like it, tough. We don’t owe an explanation. He doesn’t feel that way, but he also has his own issues from growing up in such a dysfunctional family. I understand that. Not happy this happened, but I understand why it did at least.

      Oh I am reassesing things with my mother. For a long time now, I felt it wasn’t the right time to sever ties with her. I started feeling a bit different & prayed about it. God told me to do whatever I want to do. I know I have His support however I choose to handle it. So we shall see how it goes.

      Thank you, Sherry, & love you too!

      Like

  6. DKG

    Reading this just gave me another “ah-HA!” moment. Back the end of June this year hub and I were on vacation. My mother called me one morning, we chatted like we always used to do but at the end she said “I love you.” I freaked out after I hung up because that is the FIRST time my mother has ever said “I love you” to me on the phone. I was literally in shock. Then it dawned on me that her narc/psycho boyfriend tells his children that every time he ends a conversation and I’m almost positive my mother thought “Hmm… perhaps I should do that as well.”

    We got home first week of July. 6 days later my mother suffered a severe stroke. N/b/f [of 3 1/2 months at the time — he showed up two weeks after we buried my step-dad of 40 years — ex-neighbor, don’tcha know] was at her side 8-12 hours every day and more than upset because I was in control of her care [50 y/o only child here]. Two months of solid hell after, including silent treatment, pretending to be asleep amongst other things, they walk out of rehab [she truly is a living miracle and I’m so proud of her], he moves in, she continues the silent treatment [until she didn’t feel good, called me and told me if I could be respectable and speak politely to b/f I could come to ER, if not, don’t bother].

    Coming from a solid family unit, to say I questioned my sanity was putting it lightly. To find out and researching the HECK out of it the last few weeks, it’s such an enormous relief to know it’s NOT me, it’s him, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about any of it [she’s now changed her medical POA and I’m sure the other as well to him and, thankfully, one of her ‘old friends’] except to go completely NO CONTACT. And it hurts, but so do I and I can’t fight against something like him with her having a brain injury on top of it. She’s literally been brainwashed against me. Hugs, and thank you for sharing your down days as well.

    Like

    • It’s such a shame this has happened. I’m so sorry! It really is good though that you realize what is happening & that it isn’t you! It definitely sounds like it’s all on him. Sending you hugs!! & thank you- I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog. ❤

      Like

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