Good morning, Dear Readers!
Well, it isn’t really a good morning for me. I really do want to keep my posts as encouraging & as positive as I can, but I also promised you readers that I would also be real. That means some posts won’t be all happy & positive. This post is going to be one of those. In fact, I was going to write it only in my journal, but I felt I should write it in here. Maybe someone needs to read this today. It’ll probably be pretty long, longer than normal at least, so get yourself comfortable if you want to read this.. lol
The last few days have been really rough, & the C-PTSD is flaring up badly as of yesterday. My head is simply swimming. To start with, our little American Eskimo dog, Dixie, has been sick. Thankfully, she is well on her way to recovery now, but not recognizing her symptoms at first terrified me. My pets are like my children, so when they are sick, I get extremely concerned. Then my husband’s mother went into the hospital a couple of days ago. I’m not sure she didn’t put herself there for attention, to be completely honest about it. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s done that. I think it was last year just before Christmas my husband told me she said that she quit taking her meds for a few days prior to going into the hospital. Yep, I love narcissists.. NOT. *sigh*
And, as the icing on this crappy cake, my husband & I saw my parents yesterday.
Recently, my parents bought a new chair. Once it was delivered, my mother decided she didn’t like it, & wanted to exchange it for another one. She called to ask if my husband would mind picking it up with his truck, as she didn’t want to pay another $80 delivery charge. He said he’d be fine with doing it Saturday (yesterday). So Friday, I said I should call her to be sure of what time to meet my parents at the furniture store. He volunteered to make the call instead, which was fine with me at the time. Now, I’m not happy he did this at all & that will not be happening again as I have learned a painful lesson. Although I have told him many times, do NOT say anything about our furkids or his parents to my parents other than everyone is “fine”, he told my mother Dixie was sick & probably needed to see the vet in the morning, & also that his mother was in the hospital so we couldn’t make it a long visit. If my mother hears anything other than FINE about any of them, I will end up very angry with either her nasty comments about my furkids, or fake concern over my in-laws. The fake concern hurts me very badly, because she knows perfectly well I haven’t spoken to my in-laws since 2002 because of how cruelly my narcissistic mother in-law has treated me. And a side note here- I asked God once why my mother does this. He showed me that my mother thinks my in-laws have a perfect life- been married 60+ years, financially comfortable, nice home in a nice area, their children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren visit them often. She fails to see the mountains of dysfunction in their family, only what looks good on the outside. My mother, being a narcissist & naturally overly concerned with appearances, wants to impress them. By me refusing to tolerate my mother in-law’s abusive ways, I’ve embarrassed my mother. In return, she wants to hurt me as much as possible by showing concern for them, as well as showing them even though I’m a “terrible person,” at least she isn’t bad like me. She is good enough to care about them even if I don’t. This is also why she has sent them Christmas cards since I first told her how cruel the mother in-law is. Amazing what goes on in the mind of a narcissist..
Back to the original topic..
The visit started at the furniture store. My mother sat in the car, & my father approached us in hubby’s truck. He handed hubby a booklet about county services for seniors I’d given my parents a couple of months ago. He said it was because hubby’s parents probably needed it. Really? Hubby told my father no, they’re fine- my parents need it. My father said my mother thought they needed it more, so they should have it. Hubby grabbed the booklet & spoke to my mother, telling her SHE needs this, his parents are taken care of. I heard snippets of their conversation- she kept changing the subject, showing concern for his mother being in the hospital. ARGH! So while this happened, my father & I walked into the customer service area & gave them the receipt. We waited a few minutes for him to bring the chair outside for us, & chatted. Finally we were loaded up & ready to go. I moved the truck over to beside my mother’s car to get it out of the way. My mother said hi to me, I ignored her & waited for hubby.
At my parents’ house, my mother asked me how Dixie was. i said fine. She said “Oh? Your dad said she was really sick.” I said nothing further. (I feel somewhat bad about that, because knowing her, she’ll jump on my father for lying to her even though he wasn’t lying. But, not trying to be vengeful here, he has no problems throwing me under the bus with my mother. Why should I feel bad that I inadvertently did the same to him once, yanno?) So she then talked to hubby about his mother. I continued ignoring her, but was stewing inside. How dare she?! Plus i was also angry hubby told her about Dixie when I have said many times mention NOTHING about her or the cats to my mother.
My husband, father & I assembled the chair. While working on it, my mother brought out a plate of cookies & demanded we all eat one. I refused. All my life, my mother has insulted what I eat, how much I do or don’t eat, demanded I eat what she wants when she wants me to & ridiculed me for being fat no matter how little I may weigh. When she tells me to eat something now, I refuse in order to set a boundary. Plus, the emotional flashbacks I get make me feel like I did at around 10 years old when her abuse regarding food was so bad that I became anorexic then later bulimic: terrified of her anger if I didn’t do as was told or take her criticisms with a smile, angry, like I am too hideous & disgusting to live. This feels HORRIBLE & it makes me angry that at 43 years old, I quickly can revert to feeling like I did as a child.
Finally, the chair was done, & we were ready to leave. As I said goodbye to my father, my mother spoke to my husband about his parents again, feigning such great concern for their well-being. I could feel the anger inside me bubbling by this point. Then, as I moved to say goodbye to her before my head exploded, she said “Wait a minute.” My mother went into another room & came back with a plate of cookies & a get well card for my mother in-law!! She handed them to hubby. I was in shock at this point. She then hugged us both & told me she loved me as we left. I practically ran to the truck. I also realized when she has been especially cruel to me recently, she always says she loves me. No other times. In fact, I could probably count on one hand how many times she has said that in the last 30 years until this behavior began recently.
I cannot put into words how hurt I am by this whole episode. I know my mother is extremely angry with me because I set boundaries with her early last month. (See this blog entry) I’ve been expecting a narcissistic rage because of that as I mentioned in that post, which meant I was expecting her to say excessively cruel, hurtful things to me in a public place. But this betrayal & flaunting it? And to top it off, my husband basically handed her the weapon on a silver platter & doesn’t understand why I’m upset?
I am just depressed, hurt & angry today. I feel so alone in this situation, & am so tired of feeling that way. I can’t talk to my husband about it since he doesn’t really understand. I can’t talk to my father- he’s got his own concerns with how cruel she is to him, & those concerns are very valid. He also won’t speak on my behalf to my mother. I also feel like I don’t matter. Again. I am so tired of this feeling! My mother made me feel this way growing up. Being a typical malignant narcissist, I was only there to be an extension of her, meet her needs & please her. I wasn’t to “bother” her with having needs or feelings. Growing up, things haven’t really improved with her in that area. My husband’s invalidating “I wouldn’t give it any credence” comment about my mother’s actions yesterday have made me feel the same “I don’t matter” feeling. I’m so tired of it!!!
I’m also incredibly frustrated. Something must be done with my mother, but I am too frazzled at this moment to figure out what. If I speak up about her “Caring” about my mother in-law, it’ll feed her- she will be sure to show more concern for her just because she knows exactly how much it hurts me. If I remain quiet, she will show more concern to be sure she is getting to me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t… So, I need to pray about how to handle this after I feel better.
Right now, I’m wallowing in the self-pity place. I know this all too well, & I don’t like it at all. But, I have learned some things since I’ve been here so many times in my life: this place is necessary, & it doesn’t last forever.
So many people will tell you things like “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” but sometimes you need to wallow for a bit, to feel sorry for yourself because you have been through something very painful. I think of it as feeling compassion for yourself. If someone told me what I just told you, my heart would break for them. I would want to tell them everything will be fine & somehow make it better if I could. So why not have that same compassion for myself?
I also think that the self-pity times allow us to process painful things, & we need to process painful things! Sweeping things under the rug or ignoring the pain they cause do no good at all! In fact, ignoring things can cause a great deal of harm. I never really dealt with the abuse I endured until I was around 30 years old. By the time I was 41, I developed full blown C-PTSD after living with many of the symptoms my whole life. I wonder if I had been able to deal with things earlier, if I would have C-PTSD now. Not dealing with things also can cause physical problems such as arthritis, heart problems, ulcers, high blood pressure, & much more.
If you made it this far, God bless you! Thank you for listening to me rant & rave. I hope somehow you were able to glean something helpful from this post.
I’m revising this post only slightly…..
I saw yesterday that the card my mother gave my husband for his mother wasn’t in a sealed envelope- the flap was just pushed in. Seemed odd to me, but I figured that meant my mother wanted me to read it. Knowing her, that just made sense in her dysfunctional little world. So, I finally gave in a few minutes ago. This is the card- nothing has been altered at all. This shows just how hell bent my mother is to hurt me- she is sending a nicer card to someone she can’t stand than she has ever sent to me. I honestly don’t even know if she’s ever given me a get well card…