Good afternoon, Dear Readers!
I’m sorry I’ve been MIA the last few days. I haven’t felt well at all. Last Saturday’s interaction with my mother left me feeling physically ill & very depressed. Today’s the first day I’ve felt better at least, not great, but improving.
I’ve been beating myself up a lot over this, which I know is unhealthy, but I’ve been very frustrated. In talking with a friend of mine, I mentioned this frustration, asking her rhetorically why my mother’s betrayal has hurt me so badly? I know this is how she is, so why is this even bothering me? Her response didn’t click at the moment, but a bit later, I realized how true & wise her words were- “because you’re not a narcissist. You wouldn’t do this to anyone.” That is very true. That means that although I understand why she acts as she does, I can’t comprehend wanting to hurt someone, especially one’s own child, just to make sure people think well of me. That is beyond my level of comprehension. It’s beyond anyone’s level of comprehension except for narcissists.
Something else came to my mind, too. Narcissistic abuse hurts, no matter who the narcissist is. However, when that narcissist is your mother, that magnifies the hurt. The abuse these narcissistic mothers dole out goes so much against nature. Look at the animal kingdom- mama cats adore their tiny kittens, mama deer love their precious little fawns, wolf mothers happily fuss over,protect & play with their pups. They automatically know how to be loving, caring, good mothers. Human mothers are supposed to be no different, yet here are these narcissistic mothers, hurting their children while wearing a smile, destroying their self esteem & their identity, sometimes even their sanity. It is nearly impossible to comprehend, even when you understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I think this is why no matter how well versed you are in NPD, no matter how old you are, sometimes your narcissistic mother will do something that hits you very hard, maybe even devastates you. Those times are frustrating, but I think a natural part of dealing with such an unnatural situation. Rather than beating yourself up like I have done, accept that fact. Take care of yourself during such times. Get out your comfort bag. Relax. Acknowledge if you’re going through the grief process (as I mentioned I was in this post), & process your feelings as you need to. Write in a journal. Talk to compassionate friends. Mostly, pray. God knows what you’re feeling & thinking anyway- you won’t surprise Him if you are so angry, you hate your mother or wish she were dead. He understands your hurt & anger, & can heal you.
By the way, my mother called me yesterday. I debated answering the phone, but ended up doing so since I avoided her last call, & I was sure I could handle it. It was almost funny…she asked how my dog Dixie was feeling. (Hubby had told my father she was sick, & may need to go to the vet). I said Dixie’s fine. She said, “I knew it. Your dad lied. He gets things so mixed up.” (he has a traumatic brain injury so his memory isn’t up to par). She also said my father said Dixie is so old (she’s 10) & doesn’t have much longer to live. That was it- I blew off. I told her “Dixie is FINE. She has many more happy, healthy years ahead of her! She’s a strong, healthy girl!” She actually said, “That’s just what I told your dad!” Really?? Because about a month ago she told me Dixie is getting old & probably won’t be around much longer.. *pulling hair out*
She also was on a fact finding mission to see if I was talking to my mother in-law or spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws. Ridiculous…why would I speak to my mother in-law suddenly after 12 years of no contact? ( I think because she realizes how close I am to ending my relationship with her, & she wants to see how I operate with not speaking to the mother in-law). My mother then invited my husband & I to go to dinner with them on Thanksgiving but I refused. I want a quiet day to myself, over indulging in reruns of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” for their marathon online. Relaxing with a silly, fun tv show all day sounds like a good way to spend the day- much better than pretending we’re a happy, functional family…