I have a folder of various songs on my mp3 player that are very special to me. When I lost several of my cats over the years, shortly after their death, I’d hear a song or a song would go through my head out of the blue, & God would speak to my heart, telling me that the kitty who just passed on wanted me to know that this song reminded him/her of me. I turned these songs on the mp3 player while finishing some housework..
The song “You Were Loved” by Wynonna came on- that was my Magic’s song, my first kitty & a very special dark sable/black guy who was in my life for over 16 years. Grief overwhelmed me. Physically I could barely stand & the sobbing hit hard. In this pain, I cried out to God, telling Him I miss my Magic so much. I clearly heard Him ask me what else do I miss? A laundry list of things that are currently a problem in my life came out. I miss having a mother- I’d love to have a normal, non-narcissistic mother who won’t hurt me purposely for her own amusement or to preserve her own image. I miss not having financial problems- not saying I want a brand new car or whatever, just want the bills current or paid ahead & be able to do some things. I want to no longer be constantly hurt or affected by or blamed for things other people do.
A lot of anger came to the surface too. I’m angry at the people who have abused me yet never took responsibility for it or showed any remorse. November 28th, it’ll be 24 years since my mother threw me into a wall & messed up my back. In those 24 years, not once has she accepted responsibility for it, but instead told anyone who would listen I faked the injury to get out of working because I was lazy. My mother is hardly the only abuser who hasn’t taken any responsibility, either, & that frankly just pisses me off!
Some of the anger that came up is because there are so many things in my life I can’t make sense of. I thought about my ex boyfriend for example. Last January, I learned not only was he gay (might have been nice to know that before we became a couple!), but he murdered his boyfriend, then himself. I shared a life with this man- how did I not realize he had such serious problems?! I know I was young, but still, what the heck?!
Then the anger turned to sadness, & I started crying pretty hard… it didn’t want to stop for a long time as years of anger & pain came out & God comforted me. Thankfully! I hadn’t cried like that in a long time, & apparently I really needed to do so.
This experience reminded me of something I had long since forgotten about. When I was a little girl, I think God gave me a survival skill that I never appreciated. One night a week after I went to bed, I would make myself cry for a while. I would think of anything sad that would make me cry, then just cry for however long felt right, & go to sleep after that. This was my own time & no one interfered with it, as my parents assumed I was asleep. Growing up with an engulfing narcissistic mother was very, very hard. I was very anxious & depressed, even as a little girl (not that anyone noticed, because I was good even then at hiding my feelings). Those nights when I cried were good for me- I was able to get out the sadness, anger & anxiety I felt & go on with more peace the next morning.
As a grown up living with C-PTSD which includes nasty periods of depression plus all the stress I’m facing lately, I think it is time to implement a grown up version of this ritual I had. Today showed me the need for periodic emotional purging.
i am going to spend more time with God, even if it’s while running the vacuum cleaner, & ask Him to help me, to help me purge of whatever anger, hurt, etc. is inside that needs to come out. Then ask Him to heal me & help me to cry or do whatever I need to to get things out. (Like most adult children of a narcissistic mother, I have trouble often with expressing emotions).
The reason I’m sharing this with you, Dear Reader, is because I think this may help you as well. So many people, especially adult children of narcissists, aren’t good at getting out their emotions. Look at all of the health problems today- high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, immune system problems.. so many of these are from holding in emotions & stress. Feel your feelings. Process them rather than stuffing them down deep inside! It’s good for you! Talk to God about them, too- He not only will comfort you, but help you to deal with them & heal your broken heart as well!