Reassuring The Narcissist When You’re The One Who Is Hurting

Why do narcissists expect you to reassure them when you are the one going through problems?!  This seriously irks me.  Maybe I’ve lost all patience as I’ve gotten older, but lately this pushes my buttons badly.

My husband will be visiting his parents today, & I’ll be alone. We’ve spent a few holidays together in our 20 years as a couple, but most he has spent with his family.  I’m ok with it now.  I decided to change my perspective several years ago & now look at holidays as a laid back day I can enjoy by myself.  (I discussed this in my last postif you care to read about it.)

So last night, my father called.  He invited me to go to Thanksgiving dinner with my parents again.  I thanked him & declined again.  Suddenly he has a bee in his bonnet about me spending a holiday alone.  I ended up reassuring him it’s ok.  This really ticked me off.  Why is it I’m the one who in the past has been hurt badly by this, yet I am supposed to reassure my father who isn’t in the least bit affected by this scenario?  How does this make sense on any level??   Yet, I realize this is a very common scene when dealing with a narcissist, be they overt or covert.

When my dog, Danya died suddenly in 2009, my mother called as my husband & I were trying to get his body (he was over 100lbs) to the car so we could take him to the crematorium.  I told her what we were doing, & she went on to tell me how hard this was for her, & wanted me to comfort her.  Really?  She never gave Danya the time of day when he was alive…

When I told my father I was divorcing my ex-husband, his response was, “Can I still be friends with him?”  He was upset that he might lose his “friend,” & I told him it was up to him & the ex (even though inside I was hurt this was even an option).

If you think about it, I’m sure you have had similar experiences with your narcissistic parent as well.  Am I right?

I am trying to think of ways to deal with this especially annoying habit.  So far, all I can come up with is to say you have to go then leave the room or hang up the phone, or change the subject.  After all, narcissists aren’t like normal, healthy people.  If you explain that the behavior is wrong or painful, they will take offense & either go into a narcissistic rage or they’ll use the behavior more often just to hurt you.

If anyone else has a better idea, I would love to hear it.  Not just for my benefit but for the benefit of others who read this blog as well.  Please leave your suggestions in the comments below.

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6 Comments

Filed under Mental Health, Narcissism

6 responses to “Reassuring The Narcissist When You’re The One Who Is Hurting

  1. Sorry your dealing with that. I have gone no contact with mine.

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  2. Khensey

    Hi there. I just experienced a ‘light bulb ‘ moment after reading everything I would just like to share my story.. I’m 22 years of age and I found out just last year that my mother has NDP and that my boyfriend is a narcissist. So at that moment I decided to go on a recovery journey because I understood the horrible impact the whole experience has been (with my mom) and I wanted to do it by myself (single, as in out of a relationship) because I realized that my boyfriend was aware of how I felt about my mom and saw how sad she made me but never tried to assist in making me feel better and also because of what I had realized about him… So I was able to get out of the relationship by telling him that I needed space By getting out of this relationship. In his head he thought I meant I needed a break and when he realized that I’m no longer talking to him as usual he kept on asking if it’s guaranteed that the relationship will continue that he didn’t mind the space but asked if I could promise him that nothing will change after I’m gone.. N I was proper hacked at how he could think of such while I was going through something he knew about and was well aware of the impact it had on me… It even hacks me more that I’ve dated a narcissist because of the only ‘kind of love’ I understood from growing up/ being ‘raised’ by a mother with NPD characteristics.

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    • Hi there!

      First off, you are extremely blessed to have learned about NPD at your age! Most people I know (myself included) were in their 30’s or so, which means more years of their abuse.

      Also, you sound very wise! Good for you to realize how devastating narcissistic abuse is & make your healing a priority! That is wonderful!

      No wonder you were angry about your boyfriend! Typical narcissistic behavior though. My ex-husband even saw some of the abuse first hand yet still expected me to make him feel better afterwards because seeing it was so hard on him. He didn’t seem to realize it was hard on me too!

      That anger you feel about being the only kind of love you understood? Totally normal… I think we’ve all been there. It’ll diminish in time. Chances are though that you’ll be angry about all kinds of things as you heal. It’s not pleasant, but it is necessary to work through it all.

      Wishing you the best!

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  3. Narcissist are the best drama Queens, I’ve ever met. They should get an Oscar for each performance. As I have gotten older, I have very little to no tolerance for this behavior myself. I don’t want to be a part of their play.

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