This past week since my father has been in the hospital has been interesting to say the least.
On a positive note, he seems to be doing quite a bit better. He’s still in pain with the compression fracture in his spine, but at least he’s not screaming in pain anymore. They’ve also cut way back on his pain meds, & I think have eliminated the morphine. Thank God- he reacted terribly to it! He’s been hallucinating & acting very bizarre. Yesterday he was much more coherent though, so I hope this means it’s almost out of his system.
Things with my mother have been very interesting. Several times, she’s thanked me for all I’m doing to help out, said she doesn’t know what she’d do without me, & said she loves me.
Being the adult child of a narcissistic mother, i had the normal reaction to this. Hoping this meant changes were coming to our relationship. I quickly realized this isn’t wise- this is setting myself up for disappointment. Maybe some narcissists change, but I have never seen it. My mother is a malignant narcissist, so the chances of her changing for the better & permanently are slim to none.
I had to learn how to handle moments like this very quickly when a similar situation happened last year. I thought I would share what I have learned with you so hopefully you will be helped when this type of situation arises with your narcissistic mother.
I have learned everything I can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I learned that narcissists approve of you when you are doing what they want or need you to do. If you say no, you are a horrible person, selfish, ungrateful, etc etc. according to them. I keep that in mind when my mother says these nice things to me when I’m helping her.
I also had to talk to myself. I had to tell myself it’s ok to enjoy this pleasant time with her, but it’s not ok to expect it to last. Chances are very good that as soon as my father is out of the hospital, she’ll be back to her old ways. I’ve had to remind myself of this a few times lately. This will help me not to be devastated when she gets mean with me again.
This situation hurts! It feels like everyone’s mother loves them- why doesn’t my mother love me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I unlovable? While it feels like these are valid questions, the truth is they aren’t. It’s her- something is wrong with her! It’s not you! Narcissism is a horrible thing. Something made these people turn so self-centered that they refuse to think of anyone else. To them, other people, including their own children, are simply tools to be used to meet their needs. No one else has real problems- only they do. No one else has feelings- only they do. This has nothing to do with you or some flaws in you. It truly is all their problem!