Good morning, Dear Readers!
Again, thank you so much to every one of you who has prayed for me & shown me concern these past 10 days. My father is now home to recover after a caifoplasty (I think it was called?) yesterday to repair a compression fracture on his spine. I took him home last night & he was moving much better already. 🙂
These past 10 days have been brutal. My father went into the hospital with this terrible back pain at 3 a.m. on Tuesday the 9th, then quickly had a bad reaction to the morphine & was delirious for several days. They weren’t sure at first if it was pain, meds or what making him delirious, but thankfully figured out it was the morphine. No more morphine for him! EVER! I warned him never again- I’m not happy with him calling me Mom! lol
Those of you with a narcissistic mother can imagine the “fun” this has been. As if the drama with my father’s health wasn’t enough, she managed to turn everything around on her. Even yesterday, the day he had an operation on his spine, my mother still turned everything around on her. Amazing!! Absolutely amazing!! & not in a good way! By the time I got home, much later than expected mind you, I was in tears of anger & frustration. Not to mention anxiety because I spent the entire day at the hospital- not good for the agoraphobia. My husband, bless his heart, listened to me tell all of the day’s awful events. He also said, “I have seen the light! I really get it now about your mother! I am so sorry!!” Thank God!! I can’t put into words how grateful I am for that. My husband is accustomed to his own narcissistic parents, & due to his upbringing, always tried to make excuses for or defend my mother. I think that is a thing of the past now. God is truly good- I never expected that to happen!
After I took my father home, I had to leave fast. One of my cats has diabetes & a couple of other health issues, & I’ve found testing his glucose & giving him an insulin injection when needed at about 5 p.m. works well for us, usually keeping his glucose levels pretty stable. By the time I got my father home, it was already 7:30! I told my parents I need to go- Pretty Boy is late for his insulin. My mother kept dragging her feet, pretending she didn’t hear me or coming up with reasons I needed to stay. I ended up pretty much walking out on her. *sigh* She didn’t care that my boy needed help, my husband wasn’t home yet from work & couldn’t take care of him- I had to go. It was maddening!!
The icing on the cake was when I was walking out the door. My mother gave me a hug & said “I love you. You’re doing such a good job!” Maybe with a normal, non-narcissistic parent, this would be a nice thing to say. However… with a narcissistic parent, this made me very angry. The only time my mother tells me she loves me, is proud of me or other such positive things is when I’m doing what she wants me to do, as she wants me to do it. I could count on one hand how many times my mother has said those type of things to me in the last 25 years. Maybe even 30 years.
It was just so maddening!! The only time I’m worthy of any praise, even just a small amount, is when I’m doing her will?! Really?! Never mind I’ve run a non-profit organization designed to help people with depressive disorders. Never mind my writing helps other people often (I know- I get the emails to prove it!). Never mind I’ve rescued over 25 cats since 1990 & 3 dogs who were in horrible situations. (I’m not trying to brag on myself with this information, by the way!!) None of that matters to my mother. All that matters to her is what I do for her. ARGH!!!! It’s not that I’m after her approval- I’ve accepted that I’ll never have it. Even so, the reminders of this fact still hurt. Reminders like this show me, yet again, that I’m not even human to her. That I am simply a tool to be used when needed, according to my mother. I don’t matter to her, nor do my needs, wants, feelings or even my furkids as she showed me so clearly last night. It hurts!!
I guess my point of sharing all of this (aside from venting) is to let you know, Dear Readers, I really do understand. I understand your frustration with your narcissistic mother. I understand your pain & hurt. I understand how aggravating it is when others don’t get it. Having a narcissistic mother is truly a lonely road!
I really hope my experiences can help you somehow to cope with your own narcissistic mother. If nothing else, I hope you realize that you truly are not alone, in spite of how it feels. I love you & am praying for you! xoxo