I’ve been thinking a lot these last couple of weeks.
As many of you know, I’ve spent a great deal of time with my parents trying to help them out while my father has had some pretty serious problems. Not trying to brag, but I’ve helped them a lot. Their friends & family aren’t nearby, so I’ve been their primary help. It’s caused me to think a lot..
Before this happened, I was seriously considering severing ties with my mother. I was fed up with her nastiness. I’d prayed & God said that decision was up to me. Now, I’m glad I decided to hang in there.
It hasn’t been easy doing this. My mother has plenty of nasty moments & when she’s being nicer, it’s only because I’ve done something for her. It’s also been hard stepping out of my comfort zone, which makes the C-PTSD flare up. So badly in fact that I’ve lost 8 pounds in these past 2 weeks. But, good has come from this too…
I’ve realized that although my mother’s niceness often only comes after me blessing her, so long as I remember that, I can enjoy those positive times. We have had some nice conversations lately & some laughs. And, although the nasty moments return, I’m expecting them, so they aren’t devastating. I’ve truly learned to enjoy the good times whenever they come.
I’ve also learned that I really enjoy care giving. Being raised by a narcissistic mother, I learned early how to help & how to anticipate needs, which works well for being a caregiver. For once, I enjoy doing for my parents without expecting anything in return.
There is a peace & joy that comes from helping others, including those who have hurt you. Blessing your enemy (or abusers) as God mentioned in the Bible isn’t just for their benefit. It’s for yours too. It can be hard to do, but it’s well worth it!
Also, I’ve seen God bless me tremendously recently. My parents’ narcissistic ways decreased a lot. Those are miracles in my opinion, whether they’re temporary or permanent! Also, I’ve been blessed financially when I wasn’t expecting it. I’ve received a great deal of love, support & prayers from friends & fans which means more to me than I can say. And, I’ve felt God giving me the strength I need as I need it when the C-PTSD flares up or I feel weak or unable to cope.
I’m glad I haven’t gone no contact at this time. It hasn’t been easy lately but helping them has been an incredible education for me, & even a blessing.
If you’re considering going no contact, please think about what I’ve written. I’m not trying to change your mind if you believe in your heart it’s what you need to do. You know best of course, & often it’s the only choice. There’s no shame in that. But, just be absolutely certain that no contact is the right decision & at the right time for you before cutting ties.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
That’s awesome! I’ve learned to be thankful for the small things as well..every little laugh or thing that I’ve enjoyed.But that’s what God says to do,right? Give thanks in ALL things.Glad it’s going better for you 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely, Cindy! That is wonderful!
Thank you!
LikeLike
Yes. As you know I was my parents only caregiver.. And even though at times the road was long and hard.. God has blessed me tens times fold. I am glad now that I had those times.. Memories good and bad, because that’s all that’s left when they go to heaven, and I would be lost without those memories..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautifully said, Tonja. ❤
I'm glad you shared that too.. like I said, so many people say going no contact is the only answer, & in many cases, it really is. But, I don't think it's the only answer in 100% of cases.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Diary of a Disillusioned Diva and commented:
I never realised until analysing my relationship with the narc that not only is my birth father a narcissist but my mother – well, I’m on the fence between NPD and BPD for her. Anyway, yesterday was the last time I intend to engage in discourse with her for a good while; it only ever leaves me feeling shitty.
LikeLike
And there is nothing wrong with that. You have to do what you believe is right for you! I’m so sorry for what you have gone through with your parents. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. This has definitely been a year of reckoning! Everything has come to a head; here’s hoping next year is more peaceful. Blessings 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t like it being promoted this as being what God wants. God never wants us, or expects us to continue being harmed.
The fact that out own C-PTSD continues to flare up and by affected by them, is proof enough that we do not need to tolerate them at all, and in fact to do so, can sometimes be about being a martyr and this is a form of narcissism in itself. And I have seen this in action.
I think the bigger issue when raised by narcs, is understanding the emotional self harm behaviours we can continue, often unknowingly.
I had to come to terms with mine, and my Christian counsellors have both stated that my boundaries of no contact, were needed, wise and required for my healing.
There are many emotional self harming issues that go on when raised by narcs and most never realise this.
LikeLike
No, God doesn’t expect us to continue being harmed. But, He also leaves the no contact choice up to us. I personally am grateful for it, as it’s working for me. Great, no. My mother’s a narcissist & always will be I’m sure. But, I’ve learned ways to deal with her that work for me. It’s kinda funny- the last couple of weeks when my C-PTSD has been flaring up so badly, it’s nothing to do with her. (First time for everything..) It’s because I’ve had to go out of my comfort zone, such as being alone in public places. That is a BIG one for me thanks to the agoraphobia, but by being in the position of having to do it has shown me I can do it if necessary. I’ve also gotten much better at setting boundaries, & the cool part is my mother is actually respecting them now.
I hope I don’t come across telling people to suck it up & tolerate being abused- that isn’t my purpose at all. I just don’t think it’s right that so many people preach no contact is the only solution. It destroys the hope of those who can’t go no contact, & there are a lot of them. Those are the people I’m trying to help, to offer some solutions for a frustrating & nearly impossible situation.
LikeLike
I wanted to make sure you saw this as it was addressed to you and I would not want to be accused of talking behind your back. And by the way, Cynthia only says for you to use your own best judgment, she does not tell you what to do. Those of us who have survived a narcissistic mother can tell you that we have spent our lives having someone force their points of view down our throats. We really don’t need someone who has quote ‘read all about what we have dealt with force their’s down our’s now!
Dear Healing from Complex Trauma PTSD & CPTSD: First off let me say that a person that believes that THEY have all the answers and any other suggestions should be shot down are narcissist. So while you are jumping on your soap box and saying that YOUR WAY is the ONLY WAY, you really need to look in the mirror. I was raised by one of the most abusive narcissist you could ever meet so don’t sit on your high horse telling everyone that your NO CONTACT answer is the only way. Some of us really don’t have that option. For that matter some of us actually care enough about others around us not to cause them stress by making them choose. You remind me of one of those people that if they decide they don’t like someone, no one around you can like them either. As for Cynthia being a ‘martyr’, you couldn’t be further from right. She doesn’t ‘TELL’ people how to live or tell anyone that it’s ‘HER WAY OR THE HIGH WAY’ she writes about her own experiences and what has hurt and helped her in the past. She doesn’t go from sight to sight attacking and downing anyone that doesn’t agree with her (yes I read your sight too). I wander what they call someone who does these things. Oh, that’s right. Guess you take after your mother!
LikeLike
Pingback: More Thoughts On Going No Contact With A Narcissitic Parent | CynthiaBaileyRug
Dear Healing from Complex Trauma PTSD & CPTSD: First off let me say that a person that believes that THEY have all the answers and any other suggestions should be shot down are narcissist. So while you are jumping on your soap box and saying that YOUR WAY is the ONLY WAY, you really need to look in the mirror. I was raised by one of the most abusive narcissist you could ever meet so don’t sit on your high horse telling everyone that your NO CONTACT answer is the only way. Some of us really don’t have that option. For that matter some of us actually care enough about others around us not to cause them stress by making them choose. You remind me of one of those people that if they decide they don’t like someone, no one around you can like them either. As for Cynthia being a ‘martyr’, you couldn’t be further from right. She doesn’t ‘TELL’ people how to live or tell anyone that it’s ‘HER WAY OR THE HIGH WAY’ she writes about her own experiences and what has hurt and helped her in the past. She doesn’t go from sight to sight attacking and downing anyone that doesn’t agree with her (yes I read your sight too). I wander what they call someone who does these things. Oh, that’s right. Guess you take after your mother!
LikeLike
Cynthia has dealt with her parents with compassion as well,and that is exactly what Jesus told us to do! That doesn’t mean you can’t include no contact;just use your own best judgement about that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And I also meant to add,she will have eternal rewards waiting on her for that. Eternal=forever rewards.I know that is not why she does what she does for them,but the rewards will be there waitin for her,nonetheless. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
At no point did I state ‘no contact’ was the only way – so that is incorrect …….I explained there are deeper issues in why many people stay in relationships with narcissistic people and I am very educated and aware of the deeper issues that can occur…so I don’t like the insinuation that we are more ‘Godly’ by remaining in relationships with people who are abusive.
Cynthia is actually one of my facebook friends….so no – you are absolutely wrong to state I have gone around different sites attacking people. My comment was to give a different view to a friend. and I respect Cynthia, even if we do differ on some views. So no, I do not have a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude at all, again you are completely wrong.
You clearly have anger issues and that is your issue to deal with. The fact that you believe your mother was the ‘most narcissistic’ ever – wow – this shows your situation being the worst & is very dramatic and is very poor mental health. I can assure you, there are mothers out there that will be more narcissistic than yours. We can never assume our situation is the worst. I don’t.
And I did not state Cynthia is a martyr at all, I stated people can become martyrs, and this actually happens a lot with Christians, as has been discussed in my Christians counselling. It goes on far more than people realise. Being a martyr is not godly.
Every comment you have made is a huge dramatization, cognitive distortion, and clearly projecting your clear issues onto me. Sounds far more narcissistic than anything I have stated.
Please try checking your facts, and stop assuming and presuming things….it isn’t wise, or mature.
LikeLike
I am also reminded of the stages of faith, with most Christians being stuck at stage 3, which is often about shame based behaviours.
I am not at stage 3, but, I realise many are.
There can be greater spiritual maturity, than your own.
You can read more about this, in my blog if you wish.
LikeLike
Why do you have such a problem with Christians and how can you lump an entire group of people together and make such a wild diagnosis?. Where do you get this information from because I don’t know of any study that has been done concerning Christian children. Seeing a Psychologist and being a Psychologist are two different things. How sick does someone have to be to believe they have all the answers. And how narcissistic does one have to be to believe that all THEIR answers are the right ones!
LikeLike
With all your education, you have failed to comprehend what I wrote (on your own post as well). I NEVER once said that my mother was the worst anything. But, like a good narcissist, you attacked with unfounded accusations and turned everything you said in your last post around. Why did you feel it necessary to beat your own drum by telling me how much wiser and more educated than I. Then to go on to diagnose me with anger issues was unconscionable. Do you have a degree in Psychiatry? Leading people to believe that you have the credentials is a two edged sword. Even the most accredited psychiatrist would not do this on a blog. It is can be very dangerous and hurtful as you don’t know all the circumstances of the people you are advising . However, maybe you should take your own advise and start checking your facts and stop presuming and assuming.
LikeLike
Read the stages of faith. And understand your thoughts, are not the only thoughts.
I understand you ego is feeling attacked, and that is shame based stuff.
Shame is a big issue to many people’s behaviours, and even more so in Christianity.
LikeLike
I wasn’t the one beating my own drum, YOU WERE! I wasn’t the one throwing around how highly educated I was, YOU WERE. Mostly because I don’t have to. I don’t feel it necessary to show people how great I am and as for my ego…you couldn’t touch it if you tried. And I am not the one that should feel ashamed because I am not presenting myself as something I’m not.. And by the way, I’m not a Christian either. So you are way off the mark. Dr???
LikeLike
Cynthia, I am sorry for my part of the conversation between HFCT and myself. I want you to know that I have the utmost respect for the hanging in there and finding ways to have a relationship with your mother. It takes a strong person to do that. It is easy to say (and in truth it may be the only option for some) ‘No Contact’. And in truth some narcissist use ‘No Contact’ as a form of punish (not realizing that it is a relief) for those who disobey or disagree with them. Or when they are challenged and information comes to light that they don’t want known. Your mother has done all of these things, but through it all you have hung in there and are finally getting some peace. And as you have said before, this may not work for everyone, but it is for you and I am really happy for you. Again Congratulations!
LikeLike
Thank you Windrider. I really appreciate what you said.
Unfortunately writing about what I write about, conflicting & passionate opinions are going to happen. (Also unfortunately, on wordpress, I don’t know of options to manage conflicts, so I have to leave them up to others to work out between themselves.) I’ve heard plenty in the last 12 years since I’ve been an author. This was hardly my first.
LikeLike
I also want to apologize to Cynthia’s followers for my part in the argument in the above post. Many of you have dealt or are dealing with a Narcissistic parent and do not come on this blog to hear arguments.. Someone can attack me all day and I would not make a peep. I got used to it a long time ago. But to attack someone who is trying to make a difference by bringing her own experiences to light and at the same time not saying that her way is the only way should not be disrespected simply because someone doesn’t agree with them. (Yes, I am talking about Cynthia, the other innocent bystander in this mess). Then, I thought about something. We disrespected you (her readers) as well by having to be a witness to it. I have a big mouth (or maybe be fingers in this case). Please forgive me if I have caused any of you any harm as that was not my intention. And please do not take my big mouth out on Cynthia as she had nothing to do with it. She is a good and kind person that is only trying to help.
LikeLike
That is very sweet of you to post that.. thank you, WindRider! ❤ I'm sure those who follow me take no offense. One of the things I love about my fans is they are very real & aren't offended easily, especially by those who are genuinely trying to help.
LikeLike