The topic of defending oneself to a narcissist & its futility came up in my facebook group this morning. It was also mentioned how narcissists can turn anything back around onto you. True, isn’t it? They could beat you bloody, steal all your money, or call you horrible names for something so silly as reading a book, yet according to them, you are the problem. And, if you aren’t careful, you can end up accepting that lie as truth. I’ve done this many times myself.
How can you avoid falling into that awful trap? It’s easier than you may think..
First of all, I have found that a good relationship with God is vital. When you are blamed, ask God if this is true, are you really at fault? Ask Him to help you see things clearly so you don’t accept blame that isn’t yours.
Focus on improving your self-esteem. The more secure you are, the harder it is for anyone to push false blame on you.
Learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Knowledge truly is power, & knowledge of NPD will help you to remember that they are the ones with a problem, not you. This is something you need to be very aware of in order to stop accepting the blame for problems a narcissist blames you for.
Another thing I’ve learned to be very helpful is to journal about the events. Seeing them written out factually, without emotions, helps bring you clarity. That is partly why I discuss my experiences with my narcissistic mother. It helps me to keep a proper perspective while also helping others. It also helps me tremendously when people say things like, “I read in your blog about what your mother did. She was so wrong for doing that!” It’s an additional validation. I’m not saying you have to make what you write public as I have, of course, but if you opt to do so, it may help you as it helps me. You can use false names if you want to remain anonymous.
Talk to those who understand. Close friends or relatives who know the situation, & support you can be tremendously helpful. Often those with narcissistic mothers don’t have many friends or relatives who do support them, as narcissistic mothers love turning people against her daughter, but there is still hope. There are facebook groups & forums like mine that are full of safe people who understand your plight because they have been in your situation.
Lastly, never engage a narcissist. Ever. If she wants to blame you for something, don’t defend yourself. Respond to her with calmness & logic. If she continues raging, walk away. Let her look like a fool while you protect yourself. If she recruits others to her side, & those flying monkeys wish to talk to you on her behalf, refuse to discuss that topic with them.