Something is happening that I assume is a natural part of C-PTSD, but I haven’t read or heard anything about it: anger, & lots of it. I’ve read that often people with PTSD or C-PTSD can have a short fuse, getting angry at silly little things, but that is all I read. So, I had to start praying..
For the first time, I’m getting very angry when people are deliberately hurtful, mean or even abusive towards me. I realize for the first time that I don’t deserve such poor treatment. In a way, this is pretty darned cool!! God showed me it means my self-esteem is at a good place instead of in the toilet where it’s been most of my life. In another way, it’s rather scary since it’s new territory… I’m not used to feeling anger, because I learned early in life I wasn’t allowed to feel it. If I expressed any anger, my mother said I had that “awful Bailey temper.” I carried that dysfunctional habit of not expressing anger into adulthood.
In addition to that, I’m getting very angry at the things that I feel C-PTSD has stolen from me. This morning, this anger was triggered because of my hair. Yes, sounds crazy, I know.. I was brushing my hair this morning & realizing so much is broken off & my hair is extremely dry. It looks awful, which upsets me as I’ve always had healthy, nice hair. Researching this online, long story short, I learned that anxiety & depression are most likely the cause for me. *sigh* Great. Then a little while later, I decided I was going to work on the new carburetor that is going on my car. As I skimmed over the directions, they didn’t seem too difficult- I thought I could do what I needed to do. Nope. Trying to follow the directions, I was easily confused. Although I did eventually remember that I’ve done this before (admittedly, 20+ years ago..), trying to actually do what the directions said to do absolutely baffled me. I also couldn’t remember details of how I’d done this. it was just the icing on the cake for me. Made me so angry that I have to rely on my husband do to this simple task for me! I miss my independence so much! I then thought about so many other things that C-PTSD has stolen from me, like my coping skills. i was once very strong, but now any little thing can frazzle me. Writing has become very hard for me, because my focus absolutely stinks. Reading, which was always my favorite pass time, is now a burden because my brain gets easily overwhelmed when I look at the pages in a book. I can’t tell you the last time I had a restful night’s sleep that wasn’t interrupted by nightmares or waking up with anxiety attacks, & yes, this happens even with sleeping pills. I’m sick of the constant anxiety, depression, forgetfulness & mood swings too. We won’t even discuss how many perfectly fine days have been ruined by flashbacks out of the blue..
I realize I sound like I’m wallowing in self-pity, which is what so many ignorant people think C-PTSD is, but yanno something? I think it’s OK to have these moments of self-compassion sometimes, & even be angry about it. It’s NOT fair to be abused, let alone so badly & so frequently as to develop C-PTSD. It’s WRONG! And, it’s so maddening when you’re suffering through every single day while your abuser goes on with his or her life without a care about what they did to you. I know, God says vengeance is His, & I respect that by not trying to get revenge on anyone. That being said.. sometimes it’d be nice to see that person suffer a little, yanno?!? Not nice, not a good Christian attitude either, but I think it’s just normal to feel that way once in a while (& then ask God to forgive me later..). It’s also maddening when you are trying your absolute best just to survive, & someone comes along telling you to stop looking so depressed, shake it off, let it go, just think happy thoughts.. seriously, don’t you want to slap those people hard sometimes?? lol I actually chewed out my husband recently for telling me to do my best. He’d said it many times, & I felt like doing my best was never good enough for him. One day, i got angry & told him “the fact I’m out of bed today & I haven’t put a gun to my head should tell you I *am* doing my best!” He was shocked, but it finally clicked for him that even if it doesn’t look like it, I really am trying!
Does this describe you too? Do you have times like I’m having today where you are just hot mad at having C-PTSD? If so, doesn’t logic dictate this as normal behavior sometimes? C-PTSD is such a frustrating, depressing disorder! God reminded me of that, & understands my anger & frustration, just as He does yours. Please, don’t berate yourself for how you feel! Feelings can’t be helped- they just happen. It’s what you do with those feelings that matter.
How can you cope when these days happen? To start with, get those feelings out! Once I’m done writing this entry, I’m going to write in my journal or pray. Getting all the anger out I can in a safe manner. Writing is an awesome way to get out your anger & hurt if you don’t feel like praying. Or, you could beat up a pillow- that helps too. Talk to something as if it’s the person you’re angry with, maybe an empty chair in front of you.
Music can help too. Right now, I’m listening to 1980’s hair bands & heavy metal- some of my favorite music ever. What is your favorite genre of music? Well, crank it up!! Doesn’t matter if it’s heavy metal or classical- whatever makes you feel good! In fact, go for a drive with your music blaring if you can- it’s fun & therapeutic!
Be gentle & understanding with yourself. If you’re feeling angry, there is a reason for it! Don’t tell yourself to just get over it, stop feeling that way or even that you need to forgive the person who hurt you. Accept the fact it’s really OK to be angry sometimes! The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26-27 “Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry- but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.” (MSG) See? Even God says it’s OK to get angry sometimes! Just don’t do anything bad with that anger, such as get revenge.