As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, many of us raised by narcissistic parents are narcissist magnets, meaning we attract narcissists. Lucky us, I know.. lol I’ve had quite a few of them in my life, & have learned some things about narcissistic friendships.
You have to accept the fact that narcissists don’t want to change. Things work for them, so why should they? So what if others get hurt along the way- that doesn’t affect the narcissist so it isn’t important to the narcissist. Personally, I think the chances of a narcissistic friend changing for the better are even slimmer than that of a narcissistic family member. A family member you have a chance with (albeit a very slim chance), because the relationship is closer. A friendship? They can always find another friend..
The narcissist is your friend for a reason, & that reason is self-serving. You have something that person wants from you. Most likely it’s some form of narcissistic supply. They want you to keep them propped up by telling them how awesome, talented, beautiful, exceptional, etc they are, or they want you to listen to them ramble on incessantly, or maybe they want you to be available anytime to do favors for them. In any case, the friendship is not mutual- you can’t count on this person to be there for you no matter how devastating the problem you have. Don’t expect anything from the narcissistic friend. Ever.
If you want to end this friendship, be boring. I learned a few years back with my narcissistic mother in-law that if I only gave her short answers, she got mad with me, but also couldn’t do anything about it. For example, she always wanted details about my family- details which she used to hurt me with at a later time. So, I stopped providing details. If she asked, “How is your grandfather?” I said, “Fine.” Nothing interesting about that answer! It eliminated much of her verbal abuse because she had no ammunition. I do the same with my narcissistic mother. And, with a “friend” I once had? She didn’t use information I gave her against me- she simply wanted me to listen to her ramble on without bothering her with petty details about my life. It was ALLLLL about her. She called me at least once a day to talk, not caring what I was going through or what I had to do. I started answering her calls at random, only if I felt I could deal with her. Then, I would change the subject to something other than what she wanted to talk about, preferably something about me. She began calling less & less as she realized I wasn’t providing her supply as she wanted me to do. I still listened to her, but not nearly as much, & contributed some information of my own to the conversation. It didn’t provide the supply she wanted & she obviously became bored with my conversation quickly when it wasn’t about her. As a result, she called less & less. Narcissists thrive on drama, stimulation & narcissistic supply- deprive them of those things & they will lose interest in you. Quickly! Many will end a friendship when you become “boring” enough.
If you want to end the friendship, & opt to tell them so, be prepared for fallout. Normal people, you can tell that things aren’t working out & they will accept that & move on, albeit grudgingly. Not so with a narcissist. You have to be aware that telling them to stay away from you could end up badly for you. The friend I mentioned in the previous paragraph? Although she got bored with me, she didn’t end the friendship completely. I ended up telling her I wanted it to end, & she harassed me for well over a year, off & on. In fact, I’m still not positive it’s over although all has been quiet for a few months. Her pattern has been once things are quiet for a while, suddenly she starts up again out of the blue.
Narcissists can handle love or hate, but not apathy. If you show a narcissist you don’t care about her, that what she does doesn’t phase you, it is possible things may get ugly. If you go on with your life just fine without the narcissist, they don’t like that. They may stalk you on social media, email you, call or text you, in the hopes of gaining a reaction from you.