I read something recently about how narcissists dump their inner pain & torment on others in order to attempt to relieve some of the pain they feel inside. This makes a great deal of sense when you think about it. For example, my narcissistic mother has very low self-esteem, & she has done her best to make sure I also have low self-esteem. She obviously feels a great deal of shame, so she has put that on me as well. My narcissistic mother in-law never felt good enough for her mother in-law, & from day one, she made sure I knew I was never good enough to be a part of her family.
There are so many (often very subtle) ways a person can try to put their pain on another. Did your narcissistic mother accuse you of being fat although your weight was normal & hers above average? Did your narcissistic spouse accuse you of cheating, shaming you greatly, when in fact you were faithful & he was the one sleeping around?
This trying to transfer their pain to another seems to be a pretty normal thing for narcissists to do, but that doesn’t make it right. Rather than excusing their actions, I wanted to discuss this with you today so that you know when this type of thing happens, it’s not your fault! Like many narcissistic behaviors, it isn’t even personal even though it feels like a personal attack- it’s simply the narcissist hurting & wanting to make herself feel better. You getting hurt in the process isn’t important to her, of course, so long as she feels better.
If you can keep the perspective that some abusive behaviors aren’t personal, but about the narcissist, it makes coping a bit easier. It still hurts of course, & is painful to accept it happened, but it does help some at least. Any help is better than none, right? Really grasping that what was done to you was the narcissist’s fault & not yours will help you to avoid the always painful thinking that what happened was your fault, that you made her do that terrible thing, or if you would have only done or not don *fill in the blank* then she wouldn’t have hurt you.
I urge you today to keep this post in mind when your narcissistic mother says something hurtful to you. Remember, she is trying to make you feel bad so she doesn’t have to feel bad. That is why she’s accusing you of whatever awful thing it is she’s accusing you of! You’re fine, she isn’t.