Narcissists treat their children as if they are mere tools- they take them off the shelf when they need their narcissistic supply or need the child to do something for them, then they put them back when done, & expect the child to stay out of sight & out of mind the rest of the time. (Isn’t this also how your average screwdriver or hammer is treated?)
Many narcissists also tell their children that children are to be seen & not heard, speak when spoken to only or other such hurtful things. They also clearly don’t wish to be bothered with their child’s needs or wants.
These things mean the child grows up learning to behave as if she is invisible. She stays quiet, & stays out of people’s way. People treat her as if she is invisible as well, because they see how she acts. (Your behavior shows others how you expect to be treated.) Their treatment reinforces to her that she needs to be invisible, & the painful cycle continues. It is so frustrating when even total strangers treat you this way. A few years ago, I stopped by a convenience store. When I was done & backing out of my parking space, I looked. No one was behind me so I backed out. Suddenly my car jolted to a stop. Someone in an SUV backed into me. We got out of our vehicles & she immediately began screaming at me for upsetting her by hitting her truck. I couldn’t even get in a word to tell her she had backed into me, not the other way around! Thankfully no damage was done to my car & she said none to her SUV, so we walked away from the incident. Her behavior hurt though. I felt like she thought I was so unimportant I shouldn’t be allowed to say one word.
This invisible thing results in a deep sense of shame about your very existence. You feel as if the fact you exist is a bad thing, & this can destroy your self-esteem. I know this from personal experience- I’ve never had healthy self-esteem. In fact, at 44 years old, I still battle low self-esteem often.
I have been working on becoming visible instead of staying invisible off & on for a few years now. I’ve learned that to do that, you need to start setting some boundaries. Don’t let others call all of the shots, all of the time. For example, I’ve always let others end the phone call first, & now I’m starting to do end it when I feel strong enough. (sad.. such a mundane task shouldn’t be so stressful!) If someone wants to go out with me but I have plans, instead of rearranging my plans, I suggest another time. Basically, I’m finding little, reasonable ways of making myself noticed. The good news is it does get easier & easier, the more I do it. I hope you will try to do the same thing so you no longer feel invisible. You deserve so much better than that!