A couple of weeks ago, I posted about one helpful way to deal with a narcissist is to remind yourself constantly that this person is a narcissist. While that is helpful, I realized that I forgot to mention one other thing along those lines.
Never forget that narcissists are all about narcissistic supply. That is all they care about, & will do anything to get it. Does your narcissistic mother say she wants to spend time with you? She doesn’t want to spend time with you, enjoying time with her daughter- she wants to spend time getting narcissistic supply from you. Does she ask how you’re doing? That isn’t because she cares- it’s because she is looking for something to use against you. Hurting you or making you angry will provide her this supply.
I live in central Maryland. When there were riots in Baltimore, I had a feeling my covertly narcissistic father was going to call about it. I assumed it was going to be to talk politics, since he loves to do that with me. (Odd since I have zero interest in politics) I was sort of right- he called a few days after the rioting started. He said he was concerned about us, & wanted to be sure we were OK. We live about 30 minutes south of Baltimore, my parents are about 20 minutes away. I thought it was an odd question at first, but learned quickly why he was “concerned.” It was all about getting his supply.
To start with, he called at 8:59 at night. I’ve told my father I don’t answer the phone after 9 p.m. He was pushing my boundary because I think that provides him some supply. He can be in control. He got as close to 9 as he could with calling me. If I wouldn’t have answered, he would’ve had the right to be mad at me for not taking his call, as far as he is concerned (he thinks I must answer his calls whenever he calls & makes no allowances for me being unavailable). I answered though, so I let him push that boundary (big mistake on my part), which makes him feel in control.
He immediately said he was concerned about us what with the terrible riots happening in Baltimore. As soon as I said we’re fine, he immediately went into a rant about the politics of the situation. He went on for about 10-15 minutes about how he felt about the riots & how he thought things should be fixed & his opinions… He wasn’t concerned about us at all- he wanted an excuse to talk about politics.
I learned from that call how anything & everything with a narcissist is about narcissistic supply. It showed me how they can twist anything into a supply opportunity. And, frankly, it hurt. I briefly thought he actually was concerned about my husband & I. Finding out no, this was just an opportunity for supply hurt. At least the hurt was a good reminder about the fact narcissists are only focused on their supply. You can bet I won’t forget about that need of theirs again any time soon!
And, Dear Reader, you shouldn’t either! Remembering that with a narcissist, everything is about them gaining narcissistic supply will help you! Remembering this fact will help you not to be as hurt when they mistreat you, because you’ll remember this is how narcissists are. It’s not about you. Nothing is about you when dealing with a narcissist. It’s always about them & furthering their agenda.
Nothing they do will surprise you or catch you off guard, because you know they are capable of intensely selfish, evil acts.
Also, you will be prepared for those selfish, evil acts ahead of time because you know they are coming. Even if you don’t know exactly what they have planned, you know they have something planned. You know to be ready for anything, you know that you will need to enforce your boundaries. This enables you to be prepared to deal as effectively as possible with your narcissist.
While dealing with a narcissist, especially a narcissistic parent, is never easy, remembering their desperation for narcissistic supply will help you tremendously.