Sometimes I feel like all I am is a narcissistic abuse survivor. Writing about this topic is not for the faint of heart, & certainly not what I expected to be doing as an author. But, I feel this is what God wants, so I’m obeying gladly.
Even so, there are still some times that I feel like that’s all I am.
When I got carbon monoxide poisoning last February, I came pretty close to death. It caused me to do a great deal of soul searching. Among other things, I thought about this & realized I pretty much had become just someone who survived narcissistic abuse. Frankly, it was depressing. Surviving a narcissist with your sanity in tact is certainly something to be proud of, but even so.. what about other things? I’d lost some things I once enjoyed- for some reason, knitting & crocheting became uninteresting to me instead of hobbies I once loved. Thanks to the C-PTSD, reading has become hard for me as my brain feels overwhelmed if I look at the pages in a book too long. I felt empty.
I often write about the value of taking breaks from your healing & learning about narcissism. You simply can’t focus on such deep, heavy topics constantly & maintain any joy. I think it is equally valuable to take time to get to know yourself though. Truly get to know the person God has made you to be.
I have focused on this quite a bit since February. It’s turning into a very good thing. Getting to know me has helped me to be more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve begun to take better care of myself with less guilt. It has helped tremendously in reducing my anxiety levels as well. I realized this recently at the doctor’s office. A nurse suggested Weight Watchers for me. Weight has been an issue for me my whole life. My mother has always criticized my weight, even when I was thin. So much so, I had eating disorders starting at age 10. Now, I’m about 20 lbs overweight, & some people in the medical field act like I’m more like 700 lbs. overweight. This nurse was one of them. That situation used to trigger a lot of anxiety & shame in me but this time I felt fine. I told her no & ended that conversation.
The best part of getting to know myself is my relationship with God has become much more comfortable & open. There always was some shame in me asking for things I needed. So much so, I’ve always prayed more for others than myself. That is balancing out more all the time.
I have learned that I am not only someone who has been through narcissistic abuse, but also am a child of God, a wife, a mother to some super amazing furkids & a person who is gaining some diverse interests. I have been forcing myself to step outside my comfort zone & explore things, which has led to learning some new interests.
Dear Reader, please do as I have done, & start to get to know yourself too. You are a wonderful person, & you should appreciate that about yourself. You are so much more than you were told you were. Find out who you really are. Get to know the new you & embrace that person!