It’s All About Them, Not You

The more I learn about narcissism, the more clearly I see one thing- everything is about the narcissist.  Every single little thing can be traced back to benefiting them in some way.

While their victims feel attacked, invalidated & abused (& truly, they are), the fact is that was not the main goal of the narcissist.  Their goal instead was to do something to make them feel better.

Insulting you makes the narcissist feel better.  It builds her up to insult you.

Gaslighting you gives her control, which provides her with narcissistic supply by making her feel powerful.

Seeing you angry or crying also makes her feel powerful.

Although many people think narcissists don’t know they are hurting others, they do.  Sometimes they actually feel guilty about it.  When that happens, & they try to pretend they didn’t do that bad thing, or find ways to justify their  abusive actions, although it hurts you, that was not their goal.  Their goal was to appease their own guilt.  They don’t care that you were hurt, so long as they feel less guilty.

Never ever forget that every single thing a narcissist does is all about her.  Even if she is helping you, it isn’t to be a blessing to you- it is to make her feel good about herself for being so generous & kind.

If you are dealing with a narcissist in your life, you need to remember this fact about them.  It will help you tremendously.  Remembering that what they do isn’t personal will help you not to be as hurt or angry when they do things to you.  Sure, there will be some times that you feel hurt or angry no matter what, you’re human after all, but at least if you keep this in mind, those times won’t be your norm anymore.

Remembering that it’s all about them will help you to keep your focus on how to best deal with this person rather than getting caught up in emotions.  It’s very hard to try to deal with a narcissist when all you want to do is cry or smack them.  If you can keep your emotions in check, it is much easier for logic & wisdom to function.  It’s also easier for you to remember to pray & to hear God’s voice clearly as He guides you in how to deal with this person.

The next time the narcissist in your life hurts you, I encourage you to tell yourself- it’s all about her!  This isn’t personal,even though it feels personal.  It truly will help you!


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

5 responses to “It’s All About Them, Not You

  1. lynettedavis

    “Every single little thing can be traced back to benefiting them in some way.” This is so true. No matter how small the deed is.


  2. This is a very essential post. I was warned all the time when I was with my ex narcissist partner by others in the know that I was setting myself up for more hurt by being open and vulnerable with them.
    They will use this against you every time.
    Limit contact.
    Keep it short and sweet.
    Don’t seek empathy from them they don’t have it to give.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re so right! Being open & vulnerable with a narcissist sets you up for hurt- that’s nothing but ammunition to them that they can use to hurt you. It’s like you said, limit contact, keep it short & don’t seek empathy.


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