Children- The Possession Of The Narcissistic Parents

To most parents, children are thought of as a blessing.  The parents watch with fascination as their baby grows into a young woman with her own likes, dislikes, talents, beliefs, feelings & calling in her life.  It is a blessing to them when she grows up & leaves home, as difficult as that may be for them at first.  Even though it can be hard, they embrace this new direction their life as a parent is going & enjoy it.

This is not the case with a narcissistic parent.  Not even close.

Narcissistic parents view their children as possessions.  Possessions to be used however the narcissistic parent sees fit.  Many narcissistic mothers tell their child what & when to eat, what courses to take in school, what career to get into once she’s out of school… this leads to a child who is very insecure.  How can she think for herself if she was not even allowed to decide whether or not she’s hungry?  How can she get to know what she wants if she isn’t even able to choose what courses to take in school?

As this child grows up, she feels unable to make decisions.  It’s not like she ever had practice at it growing up like most kids get.  I have been the same way, & it can be frustrating!  Mostly I have gotten over this but still there are times I simply cannot make a decision, even about something silly like what I want for dinner.

This takes time to conquer.  It takes time to heal & to get to know yourself too, which are the things that will help you in this area.  Even so, don’t give up!  Just keep on, keepin’ on.  You can heal from this!

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6 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

6 responses to “Children- The Possession Of The Narcissistic Parents

  1. This is so true Cynthia. I remember when I left home at 18, I just wanted to be able to make my own decisions–right or wrong.

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    • Oh yes! I felt the same. To be able to make your own choices, do what you want, wear what you want, be with who you want.. it was so exciting after a lifetime of not being able to do such things. I still don’t take it for granted, & I’m 44. I also still treasure the feeling of driving my own car, since my mother had such fits over me getting a license then car.

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      • Now, as I think about it, I still relish my independence too. I like the fact that I can come and go as I please and don’t have to get permission from anyone. Until now, I never attributed that to my NM and my upbrining. Thank you for sharing this post.

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  2. Margaret Morris

    Hi Cynthia

    Your blog brought back memories of when I was 4 and my mother refused to allow me to attend kindergarten (in Australia that is the year before going to school) because she wanted me to attend meetings she was involved with at my older brother’s school.

    I pleaded with her to go to kindergarten with all the other kids in my street as it taught kids the necessary skills to prepare for school the next year. She totally refused and said that “she needed me at home with her”. In effect she took away a really important part of my education but she didn’t care about that because it was all about what she wanted not me.

    She always wanted to be recognised by others as the best at dressmaking and craft so she was actively on several parent groups that ran activities that made money for the school like fetes or fundraising and this gave her the chance to show off her sewing skills.

    I had to attend these meetings with her as the only 4 year old child with a room full of adults. She would parade me around in the latest dress she had made for me. The idea was so that the other mothers would be jealous of her dressmaking skills and say to her “Oh what a beautiful dress, you are soooooo talented”.

    The point to this story is that I was exactly like you said Cynthia, her “possession” not a child.

    As I got older I made my own decisions about everything and it is still the same today. I take no advice at all from my mother whatsoever.

    Thanks for letting me get that old memory out Cynthia.
    Regards,
    Margaret

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    • That is so wrong, Margaret! I’m so sorry you went through that! It was so wrong to deprive you of the education you needed. I’m surprised the school let her do that.

      Your story reminded me.. I can’t remember exactly how my mother did it, but she must have paraded me in front of others. When I was very young, maybe 6 or so, I once told her I felt like she should just put me in a glass showcase or curio cabinet & get it overwith. She was not happy with that, but that was how it felt. It was weird. It was never the proud mother bragging about how smart or pretty or whatever I was- I would’ve enjoyed that. Whatever she did must’ve been more like what your mother did.

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