Psalm 132:18 says, “His enemies will I clothe with shame: but upon himself shall his crown flourish.” (KJV)
I noticed something about this Scripture. See how it says “will I CLOTHE with shame”?? That really is how it is when you live with shame- it’s like a garment you just can’t take off. The only way to remove that garment of shame is with God’s help & the truth.
When you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, you know shame all too well. You have been made to feel ashamed of everything about you- your thoughts, feelings, likes/dislikes are all wrong, according to the narcissist. Even things beyond your control are wrong, such as your eye color or weight. You know that you are a terrible person, wasting space on this planet, & the world would be better off if you hadn’t been born.
Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It surely does with me.
Dear Reader, today I want to encourage you to tear off that garment of shame! You deserve so much better than to feel this way!
It’s not your shame that you are carrying anyway! You are carrying the shame that the narcissist who abuses you feels inside. Remember, narcissists are extremely insecure people, ashamed of themselves. That is why they act so confident, constantly trying to impress others- to convince others (& themselves) that they are in fact good, talented & beautiful/handsome. They don’t want to feel the shame that they feel, so they try to get rid of it in any way possible. They try to convince everyone of their awesomeness or they project it onto a target, usually someone that they admire or feel is a good person. This means they try to make someone else feel as bad about themselves as the narcissist feels about herself.
Putting their shame on someone else means that the narcissist doesn’t have to feel it. The other person feels that shame, carrying it with them constantly. This also gives the narcissist a feeling of power since she can have such an effect on another person.
Why would you carry that narcissist’s shame for another moment? You don’t need to! The shame is NOT yours to carry, so refuse to do it a moment longer!
How do you go about doing this? One thing that has helped me tremendously is constantly asking God questions. “Am I bad for liking *fill in the blank*?” “Am I ugly because of *fill in the blank*?” “Please tell me the truth, Father- my mother said I am *fill in the blank*. Is that true? Am I really so bad?” Then, I listen for the answer. Usually it comes as a knowing feeling inside. Doing this taught me that I’m really not the awful person I was always ashamed of myself for being. Instead, I was carrying my narcissistic mother’s shame.
I also talked to other daughters of narcissistic mothers & wives of those married to narcissistic men (usually ex wives, by the way). I learned their experiences were often quite similar to mine with my mother & my ex husband. It was very eye opening! So many narcissists use similar tactics! That helped me to see that it’s abusive people who say such things, not normal people.
Once you realize the truth of what has happened, that you are carrying around your narcissistic mother’s shame, it is very freeing! You begin to accept yourself & even love yourself. You also stop taking her cruel words to heart, because you know that is how she feels about herself- it doesn’t mean that it’s true for you. In fact, it can be educational too, because you learn just what she feels about herself deep down. This can benefit you by helping you to learn how to deal with your narcissistic mother.
So please, Dear Reader, make a decision today to throw off that garment of shame & never put it back on again! It’s not yours to wear, so refuse to wear it a moment longer! xoxo