My parents came by for a visit on Thursday. I didn’t expect it to be a good one. My mother is always angry with me, & my father was upset I postponed from last week. For days, I prayed & worried.
Wednesday, I suddenly got very angry at the fact that my parents have done so much to me, yet believe they are entitled to come into my home anytime & treat my furbabies & I so nastily in our own home. Mind you, I’m not particularly good with anger. Growing up, my mother accused me of having “that Bailey temper”, shaming me, if I was angry or even simply just frustrated. I learned early to ignore anger. It’s only been recently I’ve been trying to deal with anger in a healthy way. Even so, it still feels awkward to be angry, so Wednesday was a somewhat difficult day.
I realized something though. I was gaining confidence. It really started to sink in that I have a right to be angry about the things they have done & continue to do to me. That anger gave me the confidence to realize I do NOT have to put up with being abused. If me having boundaries hurts their feelings, that isn’t my problem.
Shortly before they arrived, I remembered something that also helped me. Years ago, I stopped speaking to my mother 6 years. During that time, I had planned to visit my Granddad one Saturday. The night before, he called & said my parents had just called to say they were coming by on that same day. He said “If you want to do this another time, I’ll understand.” I thought about doing that, but said no- I want to see him & if he wants to see me too, then I’ll be there in the morning. He did so we agreed I’d come by the following morning. That day of the visit, my mother was shocked to see me there. (Years before, she had tried to ruin my relationship with my grandparents. I had stopped speaking to them for several years, & at the time of the visit, only had began visiting him again a few months prior) She did her best to frazzle me with some of her actions, but instead I let her know they wouldn’t work, much to the delight of Granddad who was quite proud of me that day. I was proud of myself for handling things so well, too!
Remembering that successful event & being angry both helped me to stay strong when my parents came by & successfully, for the first time, limit the time of their visit! For the first time, I told them when the visit was over, not them staying in my home until they felt like leaving!
My point (finally..lol) is these tricks can help you when it comes to dealing with your narcissistic mother as well. I know many Christians think anger is from the devil or you’re a terrible person to feel anger, but I completely disagree! Anger is a normal emotion & it is from God. Yes, forgiveness is a wonderful thing & should be practiced regularly. However, anger has its place too. A righteous anger at injustice is a wonderful motivator for change. What is the difference? Being angry at the unfairness of being abused & being angry because you know you have done nothing to deserve abuse, those are examples of righteous anger. Me being angry because my parents have abused me & think they still have to right to do so is also righteous anger. God stirred that anger up in me for a reason on Wednesday- to help me be strong & able to set boundaries with my narcissistic parents the next day.
And, God also reminded me of a very successful interaction I’d had with my parents, which was extremely helpful as well. Remembering how well that previous episode had gone helped me to see that yes, I could be strong. Yes, I could handle things well. Yes, I could even be composed when angry. I could do it!
Dear Reader, what God did for me, He can do for you as well. I prayed & asked friends to pray for me to have strength for this visit, & God certainly did not disappoint. I would like to encourage you too, to think on similar things in your life. Gain courage from your successes, & hold onto that righteous anger! If you are having trouble, ask God to help you. He truly will!