I’ve learned that being objective can be a helpful tool regarding your healing from narcissistic abuse.
When you grew up abused by a narcissist, the abnormal was your normal. Not much phased you, because you were used to so many outrageous & horrible things. Plus, your narcissistic mother made sure you knew that you never had any real problems- she was the only one who knew suffering. You were accused of faking being sick or in pain to get attention. On the off chance you were really sick or had a problem, hers was much worse than yours ever could be. You also knew you weren’t to bother anyone with your “petty” problems.
The result of growing up like this means that even after you’re aware of narcissistic abuse & its devastating effects, you still don’t think you have the right to be affected by it. The dysfunctional beliefs your narcissistic mother put on you as a child are naturally deeply ingrained in you.
The truth is though, that these beliefs don’t serve you well. In fact, they hurt you. You can become very depressed, because you know you have problems resulting from the abuse you endured, but you feel deep down that you don’t have the right to be affected. You may even wonder if you’re faking it or exaggerating your problems. You may even think you’re being too hard on your narcissistic mother. You feel guilty or even wonder if you are going insane.
None of this is good for you! You need to be able to look at the situation objectively, without emotion or dysfunctional beliefs if you want to see the truth & begin to heal. It can be easier than you think to do.
Simply consider your situation differently. Imagine that a good friend has come to you with this horrible story of growing up with an abusive, narcissistic mother. What would you tell her? Would you tell her to get over it or it wasn’t so bad? Or, would you offer her compassion, telling her she has nothing to be ashamed of, it was terrible what she had been through & other caring things?
Treat yourself as you would treat that good friend of yours, with deep compassion. Accept that you have been through some serious & traumatic things. Once you do that, you are validating your pain & you can truly begin to heal. You most likely will begin to grieve- grieve for your lost childhood, for the pain you endured, for the unfairness of the situation, for the fact your father didn’t protect you & for the loss of hope that your mother will change into a loving mother one day. This is a vital step towards healing. It isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile to go through it.