About No Contact

I think many of us who stay in a relationship with our narcissistic mothers have been asked repeatedly, “Why don’t you go no contact with her?”  Often,  good points follow such as, “You don’t deserve to be treated that way” along with stories of someone else they knew who had a narcissistic mother & has never been happier since she went no contact.  I have been called foolish & accused of trying to be a martyr as well.

This conversation really can make you doubt your decision.

The truth of the matter though, is that ending a relationship, any relationship, is no one else’s business.  Ending a relationship is a very painful decision, but perhaps ending one with your mother is the most painful of all.  Ending a relationship is also a very individual decision.  You are a unique individual with unique feelings & responses to things.  You may be more willing or able to tolerate certain things than another person.  That doesn’t mean you’re wrong & the other person is right or vice versa- it simply means you’re different.

If you’re considering going no contact with your narcissistic mother, then please do NOT let anyone else influence your decision!  This is one that you need to make by yourself, & have absolute peace & certainty with your decision.  You need to be sure that whatever your choice, you will have no regrets.  To do this, I strongly suggest a great deal of prayer.  Ask God to help you make this choice & how to handle it whichever way it goes.  He will not lead you wrong.

If you opt to go no contact, then you need to remember to stick to your decision.  Don’t call your mother up to wish her a happy birthday or ask her advice after telling her you want her out of your life.  This only goes to show you have weak boundaries, & a narcissist naturally will use that against you.  If you & your mother share relationships, then tell those people that you don’t want them to discuss you with your mother or her with you.  It’s just best to keep others out of the situation that should stay between you & your mother so that person doesn’t feel torn between you two.  Also, beware of flying monkeys- the people your mother sends after you to “talk sense” into you.  They will work hard to make sure you know how badly you’ve hurt your mother & what a terrible daughter you are.  Tell these people that the topic of your & your mother’s relationship is not up for discussion.  Don’t try to explain your side or defend yourself or your decision- it will not only fall on deaf ears, it will hurt you to be so invalidated.  Simply do not engage these people.

If you opt to stay in a relationship with your narcissistic mother, there are ways to manage it.  I opted to go limited contact, which means I don’t talk daily to my parents as I once did.  I talk to them & visit them as I feel able, not always on their time schedule like it used to be.  Continue to work on your healing, not only for yourself, but also because it will change the relationship with your narcissistic mother.  The healthier you are, the less interest narcissist will have in you because you are harder to use & abuse.  Focus on setting & enforcing healthy boundaries too.  Most of all though, remember that it won’t be easy.  There will be times you slip up & fall into old, dysfunctional patterns.  Don’t beat yourself up for that.  These times happen.  Just learn from it, try not to let it happen again.