Narcissists simply do NOT care about anyone but themselves.
- When I got into therapy at age 17, my mother cared more about what I was telling the therapist than the fact I felt so badly I sought therapy.
- When I told my parents I was divorcing my ex husband, my father’s first words were, “Can he & I still be friends?”
- My cousin once confronted our narcissistic grandmother (my maternal grandmother) about many lies she had told & other hurtful things she had done. As my cousin was sitting there, crying openly, our grandmother ignored her tears. She instead demanded that my cousin tell her who would say such things about her (aka, the truth).
Do scenarios like this sound somewhat familiar to you?
If so, please know that you are not alone. This is typical narcissistic behavior, caring more about themselves than you, even if you are hurt or going through something devastating. It truly is no reflection on you or anything you have done.
If you can accept that this awful behavior is typical & it’s really not about you, it can help you a great deal. It takes much of the pain out of the awful things the narcissist in your life has said & done to you. Instead of taking their abuse personally, you understand that they have problems, & are attempting to put those problems on you. You have done nothing wrong & you are OK! The narcissist, however, is dysfunctional, & unfortunately, you were chosen to be a casualty of that dysfunction.
This probably sounds strange, but it really has worked for me. It’s been a very helpful coping technique when dealing with my mother in particular. It has helped me release a lot of the hurt I’ve felt when she has put herself ahead of me. Yes, this behavior proves she doesn’t care about me which hurts, but it also proves how incredibly dysfunctional she is. It also reaffirms that she is narcissistic, which means she is incapable of caring for anyone- it isn’t something wrong with me, but instead with her.
Not that accepting this behavior is typical makes it OK. Nothing makes it OK. It’s hurtful & dysfunctional, never doubt that! You also do not need to tolerate it, & are well within your rights to tell the narcissist they are hurting you if you think that will help your situation. My only point in discussing this topic with you today is to help you: to help you to release the hurt over times this has happened & to not be so hurt when it happens again if you are still in a relationship with the narcissist.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
So true! They care so much about pleasing others (their reputations) but treat their families like garbage. When they seem to genuinely, selflessly care about you it’s because there’s an audience present. So two-faced.
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You can say that again. Who cares what those close to them think? Gotta make a good impression on strangers! It’s really sick.
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This is a big problem for me at the moment. I have recently gone no contact with my mother and now my husband and I have to tell that to my husbands parents. The problem is that my mother has never revealed her true nature to them. I can’t avoid telling my in-laws that I no longer see or speak to my mother because they have always attended all of our family celebrations and holiday functions. My mother will undoubtedly call them and invite them to the next family get-together so they must be told why my husband, children, and I won’t be there. I’m not looking forward to it. How do you convince sweet, kind, normal people that they have been deceived for over 30 years by a covert narcissist? And what happens if they want to know why we didn’t tell them sooner?
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That is a terrible position to be in. How is your & your husband’s relationship with the in-laws? Do you think they’ll believe you over your mother? If so, be honest with them.
If they don’t believe you, there’s really nothing you can do. All you can do is tell them you believed this was the right decision for you, your husband supported that decision & that they are allowed to disagree with you, but the matter is not up for discussion.
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Wow Cynthia! When I read the opening I thought you were look in the mirror at me!!! Being one who has had a dysfunctional relationship with my own mother ever since I can remember, Goodness can I relate! But you are an incredible trailblazer! Seems like the character trait of narcissistic behavior patterns is a generational pattern on your mother’s side of the family. A curse of sorts that you have been fighting to break at the 3rd generational level! This is to be so commended. I am there as well. My maternal grandmother had mental health issues, my mother, and then that same spirit tried to over take me but God! I have been fighting that thing for as long as I can remember. I am a mother now and I will not be passing that mess on to my child, BELIEVE THAT! It took years to accept that is not me and simply my mother’s way of reflecting her own guilt, selfishness and set backs on me. Well I love her still but won’t have it. I have bigger things to do in this life than to entertain that nonsense indefinitely! Thanks my friend for sharing this one. I so appreciate it!
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Wow, Chanel.. thank you so much!! You are too kind!
Actually from what I’ve heard, narcissism goes back even further in my mother’s family. Her grandparents, mother’s parents, were something else. Her grandfather was active in the KKK- need I say anything else about him? And her grandmother? Cheated on him constantly- no telling who the father of her 4 children was. She also abused my mother’s one aunt especially. Even to the point of hitting her in the face with a shovel. She ran away at I think age 12. Terrifying stories! & those are just some of what I’ve heard- I can’t imagine the ones I haven’t heard.
Good for you! Being a mother after having a narcissistic mother must not be easy! It’s got to be a scary prospect. But even so you were smart & brave enough to end the cycle. That is really something to be proud of.
Do I ever understand that- you love her but won’t have it. Totally understandable when a mother is a narcissist.
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Cynthia I just look at my precious son and just want better for his life than I had. It’s really not that hard this the confusion I have been left with concerning my own mother. But she has choices. I’m over the nonsense! It took me 22 years to have my baby and I did not wait that long to make his life miserable! If I can help it and with the strength of God himself my future generation will be nothing but blessed! Keep doing what you are!
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You must be a loving, wonderful mom, Your son is blessed. 🙂
Thank you! I plan to keep on doing this until God says stop!
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Yep, my wife and my mother are both that way. The wife is getting better though because I have low tolerance for that two faced stuff. 🙂
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Good for you! 🙂
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