I vowed some time ago to keep my blog real, to be honest about my experiences, both the good & bad ones. My hope is that you can learn from my mistakes.
A few days ago, I read a quote on Facebook from the book “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud & Townsend. It says,
“Another damaging effect of abuse or molestation is the destruction of a sense of ownership over the victim’s soul. In fact, victims often feel like they are public property- that their resources, body & time should be available to others just for the asking.”
Although I’ve read “Boundaries” several times, I never related to that quote so well as I have recently. It perfectly sums up how I’ve always felt.
Interestingly, this quote came to my attention a couple of hours after receiving a message from one of my readers. When I saw I had a message, I cringed a bit. Not because the person was someone I didn’t like (she was lovely to talk with) or I didn’t want to help this person, but because I have gotten so tired lately of all things narcissism. I’ve also been more depressed than usual for about a month. Considering my feelings & then this quote, I immediately realized something about myself. I haven’t been practicing what I preach. I haven’t been taking frequent breaks. I slipped back into the old, dysfunctional habit of feeling as if I need to be there for anyone & everyone, at all times, always being the strong one & fixing everything.
*bangs head into walls*
I really hate backsliding! It’s especially insulting since I was doing better in this area. God showed me a few months ago that when I got so sick in 2015 from carbon monoxide poisoning, one of the reasons was basically to force me to take better care of myself. Since getting sick, sometimes now my body &/or mind gets extremely tired & I have no choice but to rest, which has proven to be a good thing. At least until this past month, when I slid back into ignoring my physical & mental health, pushing myself past my limits.
I decided the other day this has to stop. Right now, I have a sick kitty who needs my attention & I also need a break from all things narcissism.
I started by asking a very close friend to help me manage my group by being an admin in there. When I need a break, she can keep an eye on things. When I told my group, they were incredibly supportive. Another dear friend who is in my group sent me a private message, telling me it’s ok to take breaks, I don’t always have to be the strong one & she is there for me. I was very moved by the wonderful show of support & love! Truly, my group is amazing. 🙂 If you’re interested in joining, you can check it out here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/
While I was recovering last year, I was able to write many blog posts. So many, I have them written 3 months in advance. Plus wordpress publishes them to Facebook, Google Plus, Linkedin, etc. automatically. I don’t write blog posts every other day, as it may look since that’s when they are published. Please keep that in mind if you try to contact me via this blog or my social network sites. If I don’t respond quickly, please forgive me, but I needed a break. Otherwise, I’ll respond quickly.
Interestingly since I decided to take breaks, I already feel less pressure & depressed. Knowing I can take breaks as needed has taken a large weight off my shoulders!
My reason for this post, Dear Reader, is two fold. For one thing, I want you to know what is happening, so if I don’t respond to you in a timely manner, you won’t feel that I don’t care. I truly do! I also care about myself, though, & know being “on call” is too much pressure for me to handle.
For another thing, I want you to learn from my mistake. Never, ever forget that Narcissistic Personality Disorder & recovering from narcissistic abuse are extremely serious, complex & painful topics. Frequent breaks from thinking & talking about narcissism are absolutely vital to one’s mental & physical health! I think it is very normal to obsess at first. Once you have an answer to why someone treated you as they did, it’s only natural to want to know more about why they behaved that way. It also feels so good to learn that you aren’t the problem as you were told you were. Who wouldn’t want to understand why they were blamed for being abused?! And, since narcissism is so complex, it’s pretty much a bottomless pit of things you can learn about it. You should learn about narcissism. It will empower you to do so. That being said though, due to its complex nature & the pain of narcissistic abuse, you will need to take frequent breaks away from the topics. During those times, refuse to think about or discuss narcissism. Relax. Do things you enjoy. The balance will help you to stay strong & avoid depression. You’ll know when you need a break, too- your mood will sink & you’ll be thinking about narcissism constantly. Listen to these cues! I didn’t, & look what has happened to me. Please learn from my mistakes & don’t make the same ones I have!
Take good care of yourself, Dear Reader! I’m praying for you as I hope you pray for me! xoxo