The Fear Of Hurting Other People

Many adult children of narcissistic parents have an issue with being overly concerned with hurting the feelings of other people.  I wonder if it’s because early on, we learned that we were not to make any waves.  Just silently serve our narcissistic mothers when needed, & otherwise we were to blend silently into the background.  Speaking up & hurting someone’s feelings would make us more human & less “tool like”, which would make using us wrong.  And we all know, narcissists can’t be wrong!

As a grown woman, I still have a problem in this area.  I would rather do something I am unwilling to do than say no & potentially hurt someone’s feelings.  I would rather ignore my own hurt at someone’s thoughtlessness & tell them that it’s ok rather than speak up about how wrong what they did is, even knowing that they need to realize their actions were unacceptable.

This sort of behavior is unhealthy.  Keeping things inside rather than speaking up isn’t good for your physical or mental health at all.  High blood pressure, heart disease, kidney disease & diabetes can result as well as depression, anxiety, bitterness & self-destructive behaviors.

I’m not saying you have to spew forth every bad thought that comes to mind or even be harsh with your words.  However, there are times you need to say something, & there is nothing wrong with that.  You need to have a healthy discernment of when to speak up & when to stay quiet, as well as the courage to speak up when necessary & wisdom on what words to use.

I know it sounds difficult (or even impossible), but it can be done.  I’m working on improving in this area myself.

Prayer is of the utmost importance.  Asking God to help you in this area, giving you what you need to accomplish what must be done.  He will do it!  Just follow the promptings He places in your heart.

Also, the more you heal, the more dysfunctional you realize this behavior is, & the more willing you are to change it to get away from the dysfunction.  That willingness helps to give you courage to make the appropriate changes.

Work on your self esteem.  The better you feel about yourself, the more willing you are to make yourself a priority, & to take care of yourself.  You will realize you do have the right to have reasonable boundaries, & if someone hurts you either deliberately or accidentally, it’s perfectly fine to speak up to them about their actions.

You also need to know that there is a difference between hurting & harming.  Hurting someone is temporary.  They’ll get over that pain quickly.  Harming however, the damage goes much deeper. Hurting comes from facing painful truths (such as admitting that something you did hurt someone else).  Even so, it can make a person learn & grow.  Harming, however, causes damage.  So, if you tell someone what they did hurt you or set a boundary, there is nothing harming in either of those things.



Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

6 responses to “The Fear Of Hurting Other People

  1. To be honest, part of me hates your blog because it reminds me of the people and things I want to forget. I often quickly scroll by not wanting to take the hit to my mood. But I keep following you because of posts like this where the title grabs my attention and I think “Oh shit, that’s why I’m like that?” And then I read it and it’s actually really helpful. I guess reading your blog can be like ripping off a bandaid… So I just want to thank you. And I love that you talk about God. I don’t remember how I found this blog, but I know God is using it to keep proding me gently along this path of healing He has me on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can understand that. Honestly, I hate reading & learning about NPD & narcissistic abuse. It hurts learning just how bad things were & how damaged I still am as a result. But, God wants us to learn & to grow, so like you, I keep going.

      Thank you so much for your comment. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jane

    Easier said than done when the NPD
    refuses to talk to you about their part in a problem and denies it when you call them out on it. “What’s this all about?”
    All you can do is set a boundry because
    there will be no discussion as they will not talk anout it and own their part. Saying sorry to someone who provokes you is unhealthy and taking care of yourself means understanding you can not change their behavior. You can only live with empathy and compassion for them from a healthy distance as you will always be blamed
    and your feelings will always be dismissed as non-existent. Let go and walk away with love. When someone is not clear in their communication/intentions; they can no longer be trusted.


  3. Jane

    that’s why it’s called a personality disorder. Someone with it was treated
    badly when younger and developed this survival mode for self protection. It calls for empathy. The hardest people to love need it the most but it does not mean you should continue on without boundries.


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