I just got myself a little ice cream. Rocky road, my favorite 🙂 Hubby brought it home probably close to a month ago by now. I’ve been the only one eating it & it’s maybe 1/4 gone. Realizing that I haven’t been over indulging triggered a flashback.
When I was growing up, my mother would get candy bars at the grocery store, & often when we came home, she’d give one to my father, one to me then take one for herself. Often, she forced me to take another one, then when I finally did, she’d call me a hog & give me a very creepy, maniacal smile. It was so scary looking! If I confronted her, she’d say “But it’s cute when I do it” & continue the scary smile. I also had to eat the stupid candy bar or she’d have treated me even worse, more shaming. I still flippin’ HATE Fifth Avenue candy bars because of her. Not sure if they even make them- I’m not a big candy bar fan. Gee, I wonder why??
It was kinda funny though.. for once, I realized how angry I am about what my mother did to me. I also realized it wasn’t a bad thing. I certainly have a right to be angry about this! Not only did this awful behavior of my mother’s trigger a flashback (I sincerely hate them!), it’s things like this which are directly responsible for me having eating disorders in my younger days. I wasn’t overweight growing up, but my mother consistently commented on my weight or my body. She also very harshly criticized whatever I ate or didn’t eat. Everything about me, my body, my looks & what I ate was wrong.
God’s been working with me on getting OK with my anger for quite a while. I’m never angry all that long, I forgive easily & I don’t get vengeful or cruel. I’m not consumed with anger. Also for quite a while now, I’ve envied those who say they don’t let things bother or anger them & felt guilty for not being so “good”, being a bad Christian or even worse, proving my mother right when she said I have a terrible temper. The Bailey temper, as she’s always called it. According to her, the Bailey temper is the worst plague in all humanity, past or present. So not being ashamed of my anger or feeling like it was misplaced or over the top was a breakthrough!
If you struggle with anger too, Dear Reader, please know you are not alone! Many of us raised by narcissistic parents go through this. Also, please know that feeling anger is human! God gave people emotions so we are aware of things. Joy means what you’re doing is a good thing- have fun with it! Sadness helps us grieve when we lose someone we love. Anger is a sign someone is mistreating us. Emotions are God-given & there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of them, including anger! It’s what you do with emotions that can be a bad thing. Simply feeling anger isn’t bad at all. Hurting someone in the heat of anger, however, that is bad.
So the next time you feel angry, feel it! Don’t ignore your anger! Ignoring or burying your anger only leads to problems. Feel your anger. Tell God what you’re feeling. Journal about it. Talk to a safe friend or relative. Beat up some pillows if that helps. Write angry letters you never send. Find a safe way to get your anger out, & rest easy that your anger is not only normal, but God ordained. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling angry for being mistreated!
Also once you get the anger out, know you’re going to be tired. Emotional work can be very draining. Take care of yourself. Rest & relax. Lay around & watch movies if that helps. Do things that comfort you & make you feel nurtured. It’s good self-care to take it easy after any emotional work.