The other night out of the blue, I thought about the fight with my parents in May. As if that didn’t anger me quite enough, then I thought about when a year or two ago, when my mother called me & said my father told her my ex husband hit me. She asked if that really happened & said if she would’ve known, she would’ve called a lawyer. (a lawyer, not the cops?! Trying to profit off it?) Both my parents saw me all bruised & battered right after it happened, & didn’t give a damn. My mother blamed me, in fact, for “making” him do that.
So many other times my parents haven’t cared about me popped into my head. (gotta love intrusive thoughts..gggrrr!) The hateful comments when I’ve lost a furkid, such as, “they’re better off dead than with me as their mom.” Or, “Oh, you still upset that cat died?” a week after losing a furbaby. Snide comments when my back was injured, thanks to my mother, about being lazy. Or, criticizing my writing- it’s trash, a waste of time, no one wants to read it, etc.
This morning I’m still very angry. It sickens me how anyone can be so cold & cruel to another human being, but especially their child that they are supposed to love. I can’t fathom treating anyone that way.
I felt embarrassed about being so angry. After all, part of being a Christian is forgiving others easily. Preachers speak about it constantly. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger!” “Forgive so your Father may forgive you!” It’s embarrassing to be an angry Christian, no matter how valid the reasons for your anger. I tend to feel guilty & ashamed if I’m angry partly because there isn’t good, Biblical preaching out there on anger (at least that I have found).
Also, I honestly thought I’d forgiven my parents for everything, other than the fight in May. I’m seeing now that I have a lot of anger for how selfish they are. They can’t see beyond their own noses. If it doesn’t directly affect them, it doesn’t matter (typical narcissists), which makes me angry.
However, I’m seeing this anger isn’t necessarily a bad thing. This anger is helping me to maintain my healthy boundaries & distance. It’s giving me courage that I may not have otherwise to keep a distance from my parents.
The anger also helps me to focus on the truth that they are dysfunctional, cruel & abusive, & I have every right to protect myself & my little family from that.
It also isn’t bad in the sense that I’m not planning to hurt my parents or get them back somehow. I truly wish no bad on them, I just know I need to keep my distance. Hardly a bad thing.
Another good thing is the anger is giving me the courage to speak out against narcissistic abuse more openly than ever.
God’s also showed me this anger is normal in my situation. I’ve had too many years of stuffing my anger. It has to come out! Let it out & deal with it appropriately. He has not told me my anger is wrong, & after 20 years in a relationship with Him, I’m quite in tune with His voice.
I do know that in time, I truly will forgive my parents. But, I doubt I’ll ever lose the righteous anger about narcissistic abuse & the devastation it causes. There is nothing wrong with that either- even God gets angry about injustice & when people are mistreated.
Hoping this maybe helps some of you that read my work, which is why I’m sharing. I can’t be the only one who has experienced this. If you are too, you’re not alone! Please don’t be ashamed for how you feel or beat yourself up for it. xoxo