I believe picking your battles with a narcissist is among the most challenging thing a person can do when in a relationship with a narcissist. They need to know their behavior is unacceptable, yet when confronted, the person doing the confronting often ends up frustrated & even more hurt than they were after the original event that made them think they should confront the narcissist.
Second only to deciding when to confront a narcissist is how to confront them once you decided to do it. Narcissists love to play the victim & also to twist a situation around so you’re the bad guy. It can feel impossible to know the best way to go about this incredibly difficult situation.
I firmly believe in staying calm & sticking to the facts. Force the conversation to stay on topic, otherwise the narcissist will steer you completely off topic, & most likely onto what they think is wrong with you. They may provoke you into getting so caught up in defending yourself, you forget what the original topic of the conversation was supposed to be.
There is one thing that I have found to be even more important though, & that is prayer. Before talking to a narcissist, pray. If they are calling, quickly ask God should you take the call or let it ring. If you feel you should take the call, ask Him to help you through the conversation. He truly will not let you down!! And, it may be in a different way than you expect, but it will be the best way possible.
Last May just after my mother in-law died, I didn’t tell my parents. I realized they’d see her obituary in the local newspaper. I expected them to call me, & say how sad it was, she was a great woman, blah blah… things I did NOT want to hear about the woman who hated me & treated me like dirt for the first 8 years of my husband’s & my relationship. When my parents called a few days after she died, I knew the call wasn’t going to be pleasant. I also knew I might as well take the call because if I didn’t, they’d call back constantly until I answered since that’s what they do & they’d think this was an important topic. I also asked God to help me have the right words to say. My parents shocked me by saying they wanted to attend the funeral, & were upset they didn’t even know she passed until they saw her obituary. Wasn’t expecting that! It immediately angered me, especially when my parents acted like something was wrong with me for being angry. I ended up yelling at both of my parents, even using some bad language which are all not my normal behaviors with them.
Once I hung up the phone, I told God how sorry I was- I don’t even know what happened to me, why I reacted that way. It’s not like this was the first time my folks cared more about someone who has hurt me than me. God spoke to my heart & said this is exactly what they needed. They needed to know that they hurt me so badly, that I would act that way, so out of character. He answered my prayer- He gave me the right words for the situation at hand- just not in the way I expected.
In the months that have passed, I realized God wanted my parents out of my life, & this was a way to do it. They have cut ties with me, so I can’t be accused of going no contact with them. Anyone who hears about this situation has to see the ridiculousness of it. My parents cared more about someone they saw twice in the 22 years my husband & I have been together, than me, their own daughter. It’s only logical I’d have been upset by that. Not even the most devoted flying monkeys can justify their incredibly hurtful behavior, which is probably why I haven’t heard from any of them.
My point (finally) is that praying before confronting a narcissist is absolutely vital to dealing with them. If I wouldn’t have prayed before talking to my parents last May, I have no doubt our relationship would be as it always was. Extremely painful for me. As it is though, I’m much happier than I’ve been in a long time, in spite of grieving the loss (dysfunctional or not, losing your parents is still a loss that needs to be grieved). It’s amazing the power of prayer. James 5:16 states in the last half of the verse, “The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. ” (MSG) That is so true! Utilize that power & God will help you in ways you never imagined, even when it comes to something so complicated as dealing with a narcissistic parent!