I’ve noticed an interesting trend with this blog. When I write about my mistakes, failures or struggles, my blog gains more followers & views. My recent post about a bad C-PTSD day gained me quite a few more followers & a lot of views.
I believe this is because people are tired of people who claim they’ve been completely healed from their past, saying all you have to do is pray & believe, & God will deliver you completely from your past. People who are completely delivered from their pain are in the minority, yet they are the ones most in the public eye, it seems.
The problem with this is it makes people feel like failures. It sure did me. I felt like I must not have enough faith or I was praying wrong. Maybe because my experiences weren’t as bad as some other folks’ God wasn’t going to set me free- maybe He thought I was over reacting & needed to realize that.
Then one night while watching TV a few years ago, I saw Josh McDowell doing an interview on TBN’s show, “Praise The Lord.” As a child, he was sexually abused. His story was heartbreaking, but it gave me hope at the same time. Why? Because he admitted that as a grown man in his 50’s or maybe 60’s (my guess.. not sure) he still had issues stemming from that abuse. He said when people touch his shoulder in a certain way, he can’t handle it, because it reminds him of his abuser.
Realizing that this wise, caring, good man of God still had issues from childhood abuse so many years later released the feeling of shame I had. He’s obviously no failure, yet God didn’t wave that magic wand & set him free of all symptoms of the abuse. Maybe, just maybe, that means I’m not a failure either!
Two Scriptures also came into my mind in a new way. Psalm 23:4, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” & Philippians 1:6, “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:” I realized that God is truly there with me during all the bad times. Not only the times that I’ve lost a loved one or had a fight with a friend- all of the bad times. He is with me during flashbacks, panic attacks & depressive episodes. He is with me during all of those valley of the shadow of death times, not just some. Also, I realized you learn a lot more going through something than you do if you’re just delivered from it. The things I learn by going through are the things that I’ve been able to share in this blog, & in my books, too, & I believe people are being helped by these things. I’ve received plenty of messages to prove it.
Also, He is the one who showed me I needed healing. He started me on the healing path by gently showing me what was wrong with me & how to heal. So, since God started that “good work,” it seems logical to me, judging by Philippians 1:6, that He will continue working on healing me until Jesus comes back. This tells me there is nothing wrong with continuing to have issues for years after the fact. It’s normal!
These revelations gave me a new heart for how I write. Rather than constantly trying to encourage or teach readers what I have learned, I felt it would be a good idea to share my mistakes & struggles, too, to let my readers know that they aren’t alone. Everyone who has been through narcissistic abuse struggles to some degree. It’s ok! God is with them & helping them to heal.
So, Dear Reader, this is my promise to you- to be real, not only encouraging or educational. I’ll also let you know that I understand your struggles, because I struggle too, every single day. And, there is nothing wrong with you or your faith if God hasn’t miraculously delivered you. There are plenty of us in that same valley, so at least you aren’t alone!
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
Thank you for this, Cynthia. It’s a relief to be able to know that we aren’t alone as we struggle with the aftermath of abuse. I once confided to a friend who had also been abused by her family that I was afraid that I’d never be able to escape the pain of past abuse. She very confidently told me that I was wrong, that she has been able to get past it and live a happy life and I would too. That was years ago. I know she meant well but I can’t agree. Even though I’ve prayed and asked God to heal me I still live every day with the sadness and emptiness that happens to people when they don’t get the unconditional love and support every child needs. The aftereffects of rejection, disapproval, cruelty and neglect are always there even though I tell myself it’s in the past. And my medical issues and CPTSD march on despite excellent care. Going NC has helped because I no longer have to endure the ongoing abuse of my FOO. But the past is always there, or the effects of it. In the life of every follower of Jesus there is unanswered prayer, or what we consider to be an unanswered prayer. I think of Paul who asked God to remove his thorn in the flesh but didn’t receive the answer he wanted. Maybe we should consider that we are like Paul in that God has a reason for allowing us to suffer and for allowing our pain to persist. In my life this persistent pain has led to a reliance on God that I may not ever have had if I’d grown up with the love and support of my family. Maybe I wouldn’t love Him as much as I do if I hadn’t needed Him so much to walk with me through my own dark valley. And though I still want to be healed emotionally and physically I’d gladly do without that healing if it meant I’d love or need God any less. So yes, please continue to write about your struggles. We need to know that we’re not alone in this battle and to support one another as only fellow survivors can. You’ve helped so many of us already. And although we would prefer that you never suffered we see the hand of God in your struggle to endure and we’re grateful, both for His love in our adversity and for your willingness to share your heart with us. God bless you for that.
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Thank you so much, my friend. ❤
I have to agree with everything you said. Paul's thorn in the flesh is a great point. I think everyone has a thorn of some sort. Maybe this is ours. If we had no thorns, we wouldn't need God. And, this one really makes us need Him. Actually it's less like a thorn & more like an entire sticker bush… lol
You also brought up another great point- getting away from your abusive family of origin didn't fix everything. I've noticed with some people who write about narcissistic abuse, they come across like going no contact fixes everything. While it's certainly very beneficial of course, it doesn't fix everything. Narcissistic abuse does too much damage- simply removing the source of the pain doesn't fix everything they did. It removes future problems & pain, but it doesn't fix damage already done. People need to be aware of that (hmm.. sensing another blog post coming..lol).
Again thank you for everything you said. This is not a path I ever would've expected my writing to take, but I guess God had other plans. It's not an easy one, & there are plenty of times I want to just give it up. Comments like yours help me to keep going. I really appreciate what you said.
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Reblogged this on A Call to Witness and commented:
Same here for me. The Triggers and flashbacks are still with me. Just when you think all is well then Boom!!
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RealBoldTruth my friend! As a believer we still struggle to truly let go and let God with many issues in our lives. At times on my blog I am clearly in Faith and at other times I’m obviously frustrated in my walk and waver just a bit. That’s just part of growing in Him, being human and living in this flesh! It will happen and being honest about those times does more good than pretending like we got it all together!🤗
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Thank you bunches! ❤
Everything you said is so very true! Totally agreeing with you!
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