I’ve noticed an interesting trend with this blog. When I write about my mistakes, failures or struggles, my blog gains more followers & views. My recent post about a bad C-PTSD day gained me quite a few more followers & a lot of views.
I believe this is because people are tired of people who claim they’ve been completely healed from their past, saying all you have to do is pray & believe, & God will deliver you completely from your past. People who are completely delivered from their pain are in the minority, yet they are the ones most in the public eye, it seems.
The problem with this is it makes people feel like failures. It sure did me. I felt like I must not have enough faith or I was praying wrong. Maybe because my experiences weren’t as bad as some other folks’ God wasn’t going to set me free- maybe He thought I was over reacting & needed to realize that.
Then one night while watching TV a few years ago, I saw Josh McDowell doing an interview on TBN’s show, “Praise The Lord.” As a child, he was sexually abused. His story was heartbreaking, but it gave me hope at the same time. Why? Because he admitted that as a grown man in his 50’s or maybe 60’s (my guess.. not sure) he still had issues stemming from that abuse. He said when people touch his shoulder in a certain way, he can’t handle it, because it reminds him of his abuser.
Realizing that this wise, caring, good man of God still had issues from childhood abuse so many years later released the feeling of shame I had. He’s obviously no failure, yet God didn’t wave that magic wand & set him free of all symptoms of the abuse. Maybe, just maybe, that means I’m not a failure either!
Two Scriptures also came into my mind in a new way. Psalm 23:4, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” & Philippians 1:6, “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:” I realized that God is truly there with me during all the bad times. Not only the times that I’ve lost a loved one or had a fight with a friend- all of the bad times. He is with me during flashbacks, panic attacks & depressive episodes. He is with me during all of those valley of the shadow of death times, not just some. Also, I realized you learn a lot more going through something than you do if you’re just delivered from it. The things I learn by going through are the things that I’ve been able to share in this blog, & in my books, too, & I believe people are being helped by these things. I’ve received plenty of messages to prove it.
Also, He is the one who showed me I needed healing. He started me on the healing path by gently showing me what was wrong with me & how to heal. So, since God started that “good work,” it seems logical to me, judging by Philippians 1:6, that He will continue working on healing me until Jesus comes back. This tells me there is nothing wrong with continuing to have issues for years after the fact. It’s normal!
These revelations gave me a new heart for how I write. Rather than constantly trying to encourage or teach readers what I have learned, I felt it would be a good idea to share my mistakes & struggles, too, to let my readers know that they aren’t alone. Everyone who has been through narcissistic abuse struggles to some degree. It’s ok! God is with them & helping them to heal.
So, Dear Reader, this is my promise to you- to be real, not only encouraging or educational. I’ll also let you know that I understand your struggles, because I struggle too, every single day. And, there is nothing wrong with you or your faith if God hasn’t miraculously delivered you. There are plenty of us in that same valley, so at least you aren’t alone!