Periodically, I like to post about the signs of a covert narcissist. Everyone knows about overt narcissists, but there just isn’t much information on their covert counterparts. Today, I want to share some warning signs of covert narcissists.
They are terrible listeners. When having a conversation with a covert narcissist, it is painfully obvious they want you to shut up so they can resume talking. They look bored. They pretend they’re going to talk as you start to talk, then obviously stop talking, acting as if you interrupted them. They try to hurry your conversation up.
They create a false image of themselves. Covert narcissists are not as obvious in their delusions of grandeur like overt narcissists. They may even say depreciating things about themselves such as “I can’t do that.. I’m not talented.” “I’m not very smart.” This false image of modesty often makes people complement them & provide narcissistic supply when they make such comments. Some pretend to be stupid, when in fact they are quite intelligent, so people will take care of them & protect them. Others do for the people in their life to create the image of the self-sacrificing martyr who never thinks of herself.
They are smug. Narcissists look down on other people, whether they are covert or overt, but coverts are quieter about it. They may not tell a person flat out that they are better than the victim, but the victim knows this is how that person feels anyway. Covert narcissists have a look that conveys the message well. Or, they compare you unfavorably to someone else. My mother in-law told me how disappointed she was my husband married me instead of someone he used to date, which left me feeling not good enough to be a part of her family.
Covert narcissists have no empathy. Like their overt counterparts, covert narcissists have zero empathy. They don’t care about your pain unless it directly affects them. If you cry in their presence, they will look at you blankly. If there is a witness, the covert narcissist might offer you a hug or some kind words, but that is only to make the witness think well of them. They really don’t feel any empathy for you whatsoever.
Always the victim. Covert narcissists are always the victim. If they hurt you, & you confront them, you are mean/unreasonable/abusive/etc. They’ll even bring out the fake tears to attempt to make you feel guilty.
Covert narcissists fake apologize. On the off chance you get an apology from a covert narcissist, it is obviously fake. They don’t understand why what they did was wrong, but they feel forced to apologize to appease you & keep you providing their narcissistic supply. When there’s no way to get around that apology, it can be either passive/aggressive (“I’m sorry you feel that way”) or by saying things they think you would want to hear. Chances are, they’ll be dead wrong on what they think you want to hear, too.
They are extremely sensitive. Narcissists are all sensitive to any criticism, real or imagined, but covert narcissists are the worst. Any slight from you can have them crying about how cruel you are.