Recently I’ve realized something surprisingly helpful in helping me cope with the abuse I’ve experienced at the hands of my narcissistic parents. Seeing things through their eyes. Granted, that isn’t always an easy things to do since I’m not a narcissist, but it can be oddly helpful.
Seeing things through their eyes has shown me the incredible dysfunction they live with, & how so much of their abuse wasn’t personal (although it sure felt that way), but was solely about them. I was simply collateral damage, an acceptable loss to them.
For example, my mother has criticized my looks as far back as I can remember. Compared her features to mine, telling me how much more attractive hers were than mine. Naturally, I grew up feeling like the ugliest person on the planet. Eventually, I looked at this situation through my mother’s eyes. My mother said when I was born, she figured I’d look like her- brown hair & eyes. I’m a blue eyed blonde, like the Baileys- my father’s family. In fact, I look a lot like my grandmother, who, mind you, was a beauty in her youth. My mother hates all of her in-laws, so if you look at this situation through her narcissistic eyes, I probably betrayed her. I disappointed her by being born not looking like her, & to boot, looking like people she hates. Never mind I had zero control over this, somehow it still comes back to her, & I didn’t do as she wanted. I had to pay. Plus, she probably thought I was prettier than her, so again, I had to pay. She had to tear me down so I didn’t think of myself as pretty. Bonus- tearing me down built her up at the same time.
Realizing these things helped me to stop taking her scathing criticisms so personally. What she said wasn’t true- it was simply a means to make herself feel better & to nurse the “wound” I gave her by being born differently than she wanted me to be. Granted, I’m still trying to believe I’m pretty, but at least I know now what she said is all lies & I’m not some hideous monster like she made me feel like. (Feeling pretty probably will take a long time. Baby steps..)
See what I mean? Seeing things through her eyes helped me to see the truth in the situation, & stop believing her hurtful lies. It can help you as well, & let’s face facts- anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse needs any help they can get to heal the damage it’s caused.
I would like to encourage you today to try this, Dear Reader. Look at a painful situation through the narcissist’s eyes. I guarantee you will see that you did not deserve what was done to you, that it was more about the narcissist than you & that the narcissist lied to you simply to benefit herself. If you’re having some trouble, ask God to help you if this is something He wants you to do.