Fear Is Not From God

2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (NKJV)

 

As many of you know, I have agoraphobia.  Leaving home, sometimes even to go into my yard, is very difficult or impossible.  Anxiety takes over & logic that nothing is going to go wrong or hurt me goes out the window.  Quite frankly, it sucks.

 

Recently I’ve been wanting to go for a drive.  That’s all- just enjoy a short drive in my awesome car.  However, the agoraphobia left me at home & my car sitting…

 

A few days ago, I opened up my email first thing in the morning.  I get a Scripture delivered daily.  That particular day the Scripture I shared above was in the email.  When I read it, something clicked in my mind.  No, God didn’t give me a spirit of fear.  My agoraphobia is NOT from Him.

 

The agoraphobia started in 1996, just after my paternal grandmom passed away.  My husband told his mother, who didn’t even acknowledge my loss- she changed the subject.  A short time later, this exact same experience happened with his sister.  Somehow, these experiences cemented in my mind that I don’t matter.  I shouldn’t bother anyone with my problems or even my presence, which is a belief that stems from my upbringing with my narcissistic parents.  Their behavior made this belief evolve into feeling like I don’t even have the right to leave home, possibly bothering people in public places.

 

Thinking about this angered me a great deal.  As is common with many adult children of narcissistic parents, I’m suffering because of other people’s cruelty.  This agoraphobia isn’t from God at all, & that Scripture was a reminder of that.

 

2 Timothy 1:7 enabled me not only to go for a ride, but a longer one than I originally wanted to do.  And, I got on smaller interstates too!  (After getting sick in 2015 & being unable to drive for a long time, I lost a lot of confidence in driving.  I’ve avoided bigger roads & interstates since.)

 

I’m not saying I’m cured.  Even thinking of leaving home now makes me tense up.  However, I do know that keeping these things in mind is going to be helpful for me leaving home in the future.

 

I’m sharing this with you today, Dear Reader, because I know so many of you also live with anxiety &/or agoraphobia.  Please consider what I wrote about here.  Know that such awful things are NOT from God.  It helped me to remember that & get mad at those who put the anxiety & agoraphobia on me.  Maybe it can help you as well to think about it.  What is the root of your anxiety?  If you don’t know, then ask God- He will show you.  He showed me why I have agoraphobia.  I never would’ve guessed that on my own!  He can do the same for you.  Once you get to the root of the problem, you can work on healing it properly.

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16 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

16 responses to “Fear Is Not From God

  1. ibikenyc

    “Their behavior made this belief evolve into feeling like I don’t even have the right to leave home, possibly bothering people in public places.”

    Oh, C B-R. I was choked up reading this. That poor little girl inside.

    However, I was choked up also at your description of your longer-than-wanted (expected?) drive!

    How.
    WONDERFUL!

    You go, girl!

    😀

    Like

    • aww, thank you ibikenyc! I appreciate the validation greatly! Thank you also for the encouragement! I’m trying to work myself up to going for a drive more often, maybe weekly. I love driving my old car- she was once my granddad’s- & sitting isn’t good for old cars anyway. Not happening yet but I’m sure it will one of these days. With God, all things are possible! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • ibikenyc

        I, too, love to drive but rarely do anymore simply because I have no car. I assume you had, on balance, a wonderful time!

        I would love to know more about your old car, if you feel like telling!

        (I have owned some oddish cars myself and have never bought a car with an automatic transmission.)

        Like

        • Mostly a wonderful time. It went a lot differently than I expected. I went to a local cemetery where my (narcissistic) grandmother, my husband’s mother & brother & a former classmate of mine are buried. Although my grandmother & I didn’t exactly get along, I still feel kinda bad no one visits her grave, so I thought I would & see the others then go on my way. Wellll… I first saw my mother in-law’s name was misspelled. *sigh* Took a pic to show my husband. Then I saw my grandmother’s marker.. wow. The little date of birth & death plaques? Birth one was gone, death one barely hanging on with 2 sided tape. I went to the office to tell the staff & hope someone could deal with it. Couldn’t be so easy eh? lol The one guy there was on the phone, so I ended up talking with another customer who had just lost his mother thanks to a drunk driver. Not long before he also lost an aunt to one, a cousin was killed by her husband & another relative’s small child kidnapped & murdered. Heartbreaking! So once he spoke with the employee I spoke with him. Turns out apparently my mother got her mother’s marker elsewhere & for cheap! Awful! The cemetery isn’t responsible for repairs. Trying to shorten this long story some, the employee asked about my family’s final arrangements. Thankfully he found out my parents have everything taken care of. Sooo.. about 2 hours later I left the cemetery. So much for that quick 10 minute trip there.. lol That aside it was a great time though.. I do love driving my car! 🙂

          Rather than repeat the story, here’s a link to a post I shared about my car a couple of years ago. It’s a miraculous story as far as I’m concerned.

          https://wordpress.com/posts/cynthiabaileyrug.wordpress.com?s=november

          What kind of cars have you had?? I take it you’re into old cars too?

          Liked by 1 person

          • ibikenyc

            WOW! You did a LOT, not just physically but also emotionally!

            Thanks for that link; I’ll visit it later on.

            My first car was the 1975 Dodge Dart my parents gave me; that was the automatic.

            (Not so much old as [maybe] distinctive. Since then, I have owned a white 1973 Peugeot 504 4-speed; a black 1981 or 2 Mercury Capri 5-speed (with a Holley 4-barrel); a Mars Red 1985 VW GTI 5-speed; and a white 1989 Firebird 5-speed with t-tops.)

            Like

            • It really was a lot. At least for me. Was so NOT planning on human interaction, but I guess God had other plans.

              Nice! What a unique selection of cars you’ve had! I remember that year of Firebird- it was a good year for them! My mother had a ’68 Dart when I was growing up. It was a nice looking car, but unreliable & a pain in the neck.. lol

              Liked by 1 person

          • ibikenyc

            FYI (and I would still love to see whatever it is!) I have tried the link several times since you posted it, including just now, and it takes me to a wordpress page informing me that “You don’t have any WordPress sites yet.” even though the URL in the address bar is the one in your link.

            Like

            • Oh for cryin’ out loud. I’m sorry about that!! I just copied the entry & will paste it below.. & hope for the best.. lol I also have a free ebook about this story on my website if you want to check it out.

              God’s Love For You
              On this day ten years ago, I was blessed with one of God’s best gifts. My car. Maybe that sounds odd, so just read on- it will make sense.

              My granddad had a beautiful 1969 Plymouth Fury when I was born in 1971. Four years later, my father’s car was stolen, & Granddad gave my father this car. In 1979, my father sold the car to a junkyard because he didn’t want to replace the failing transmission & rear end.

              In 2005, my father was in the hospital. One Saturday morning, I woke up early, & couldn’t go back to sleep. It was too early for visiting hours, so I suggested to my husband we go to the local flea market, then the hospital.

              Once we arrived, I saw a beautiful car at the other end of the parking lot. A green 1969 Fury that looked identical to my granddad’s. My husband suggested I leave a note on the car, saying I’d like to buy it if the seller was interested in selling. I’d never done anything like that before, but decided why not.

              The seller did want to sell! He called me two days later. My husband & I met up with him to look at the car better, & decided to buy it. Unfortunately we were refinancing our mortgage so our money was tied up. Thankfully the seller was understanding & patient.

              November 23, 2005, I was able to get the car. It was a wonderful day, but things got even better…

              My father came by one day to see the car. He said it was his car. I thought he had to be mistaken but he was adamant. Shortly after, he showed back up at my home with an old log book where he had written down maintenance records on some of his cars. He had torn out the pages on the Fury after getting rid of the car, but he had missed the page with the VIN on it. We compared it to the VIN on my Fury, & they were identical! I couldn’t believe it- my car was also Granddad’s car! It was (& still is) a miracle to me that this car is back in my family after 26 years. And, not just any car- my favorite car that either my granddad or my father had. I’ve always loved cars, & there was always something special to me about this one.

              I’m telling you this story today, Dear Reader, not only because I love sharing it, but hopefully to inspire you. God is capable of great miracles. All things are possible with God.

              God is also very well aware of your deepest desires, even if you aren’t aware of them. I had no idea how much I would love having this car, but God knew & sent her to me. Driving this car is one of the greatest pleasures in my life, & I had no idea until God arranged for me to have her.

              God can do the same for you. He can grant you a special blessing too amazing for you to comprehend! Ask Him to bless you! You aren’t being greedy or selfish- you are simply asking Him to do something He wants to do. You will be amazed at what happens!

              Liked by 1 person

              • ibikenyc

                Oh, MY!

                WAAAAAH! I needed some Warm Fuzzies today. Thank you!

                THIS could / should be in one of those “Chicken Soup” books.

                How in the WORLD did the guy you bought it from get it from the junk yard?

                (PS: MY Grands had a 1966 Plymouth Fury III in a pale yellow with a brocade-ish olive-green-and-black upholstery that was much nicer than it sounds; my folks got it when they gave it up, and we drove to The Coast and back in it, twice, on vacations!)

                Liked by 1 person

                • lol You’re welcome for the warm fuzzies! 🙂

                  The guy who owned the junk yard must’ve fixed the car & drove her for some time, parked her for a few years, did some work on her (since sitting is so hard on cars) & sold her to the guy I bought her from who also did some work on her. He said the guy had a junkyard, so that’s what makes sense to me anyway.

                  Nice!! The 66’s were pretty cars! Funny how on the old cars, those colors could work together & look so sharp isn’t it? They wouldn’t work on a new Lexus, for example. lol Bet it was a comfortable drive on those vacations! Nothing like a big, comfy car for long road trips! I took mine to NC in 2006 & it was great. Funny story about that trip.. on the way home up I95 near Richmond, VA, I saw a yellow ’67 Fury get onto the highway beside me! Our eyes me & we both beeped & waved at each other like idiots when we saw each other’s cars. LOL

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • ibikenyc

                    Gosh, I just love stories like this!

                    Yeah; you’re RIGHT about those colors, and that reminds me of a thing I read years ago about what makes some cars look Classic and some just look horribly dated.

                    (My folks had air conditioning retrofit in that car at Sears before we made our trip out west, and at the time there was a company in Phoenix called “Shadow Screen” that custom-made rear-window screens that let you see out just fine while deflecting heat. It was so unusual even out west that people would ask my folks about it all the time.)

                    Like

              • ibikenyc

                PS: I am gonna ask for blessings SOON (today?), because I am way out of “Resources of Self” (LOVE that; it’s from Melania Tonia Evans) to spend on more of this.

                Like

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