A little while ago, I was listening to some music from the 80’s. Being a teen in the 80’s, it’s often my go to genre. I was really enjoying the songs & a thought crossed my mind. Most people who listen to their childhood music are transported back to happy days of their youth. I’m not. My childhood wasn’t happy. Even so, I still love the music of the era. As I wondered why, & didn’t even have a chance to ask God why, He gave me the answer. My taste in music was the first thing that was just mine, that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin for me.
My mother likes 50’s music & country music by the Statler Brothers, Oak Ridge Boys & similar sounding artists. My father is mostly into outlaw type country- Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Travis Tritt. Neither likes 80’s music. When I first got into it, my mother harshly criticized it, yet she didn’t spoil my love of it in spite of her valiant efforts.
She tried to squelch my love of other things over the years too- my taste in cars, other types of music I like (such as Southern rock & metal/hard rock), my love of feminine clothing & perfumes, knitting, scary movies & books. I’m positive her motivation was to make me dislike these things & replace them with things she likes or approves of. (Narcissists love to change people into what they think they should be, rather than allowing people to be individuals.) It hasn’t worked, however, & these things all bring me a great deal of joy, even when she insults them or me for liking them.
When you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, holding onto something that the narcissist couldn’t ruin for you or take away from you is precious! It makes you feel strong. In spite of every hateful thing she tried, she couldn’t take this from me! There was one thing she couldn’t destroy about me! YAY ME!!
Do you have something that is just yours, that your narcissistic mother couldn’t take from you? What is it? Whatever it is, I urge you to celebrate it! Enjoy it to the max! Relish in the fact she couldn’t take it from you no matter what. Be proud of yourself for having the fortitude to hang onto that thing!
If you can’t think of anything, that is ok too! Find something! Try something new- a new hobby, a new type of tea, listen to a different genre of music. You’ll find something that is so special to you, that even the meanest narcissistic mother can’t take away, & you will thoroughly enjoy it.