Anyone who has been subjected to narcissistic abuse also has been subjected to flying monkeys.
Flying monkeys are those people who either have fallen for the narcissist’s act, blindly believing anything the narcissist says or are abusers themselves, likely covert narcissists, who get a thrill out of vicariously abusing the narcissist’s victim. They often say things like…
- “Your mother is worried about you. You haven’t called in a while & she doesn’t know why..”
- “I know your father hurt you when you were growing up, but he didn’t mean to. He did the best he could.”
- “You need to just forgive & forget. After all, your mother was abused when she was growing up! She doesn’t know any better!”
These people are indispensable to narcissists, which is why all narcissists have them.
Flying monkeys can reach a victim once that victim has gone no contact with the narcissist. When a victim doesn’t speak with a narcissist, they often will talk to a flying monkey, at least for a while until they discover that this person is a flying monkey. During that time, the flying monkey can tell the victim whatever the narcissist wants her to, becoming the mouthpiece for the narcissist. They can say things a narcissist can’t say without looking bad. The flying monkey also benefits from doing this. If she is deceived about the narcissist, she honestly believes she is doing good & trying to help the victim. If she is also an abuser, this gives her a thrill by abusing without being blamed for being abusive. Covert narcissists make good flying monkeys, because by doing so, they get to feel powerful- something all narcissists love.
Speaking of feeling powerful, narcissists enjoy having flying monkeys because it means they’re controlling another person. Controlling others makes them feel powerful.
Flying monkeys do all the dirty work for the narcissist. The victim often will get mad at the flying monkey rather than the narcissist who is pulling the strings. The flying monkey is the one who will look bad rather than the narcissist. This is a bonus for the narcissist since no narcissist wants to look bad.
If the flying monkey is especially good at what they do, & the victim isn’t strong at resisting the narcissist, the victim will come crawling back to the narcissist. That is the ultimate goal of the narcissist, of course. Using one person to control another is quite the power trip! Any narcissist would love to have this ability.
Flying monkeys are a very useful tool for any narcissist, so beware. If you know a narcissist, you are going to have to deal with them at some point. Be alert. Be aware of their behavior so you can spot them easily. Never feed them by engaging them in a discussion about the narcissist. Refuse to discuss the topic with them, changing the subject as often as necessary & telling them this topic is not up for discussion. And most of all, pray. Ask God to help you to discover the best way to deal with this person or if you need to end this relationship.