Rejection & Narcissistic Abuse

Part of the reason narcissistic abuse is so damaging is the rejection.  Rejection is at the core of many behaviors done by narcissists.  Not hearing someone is rejecting them.  Not allowing someone to have any rights is rejection.  Mocking & criticizing someone is rejection.  Failing to protect a child is rejecting them.  Not being validated is rejection.

 

Rejection hurts, whether you’re a child or adult, & no matter who does the rejecting.  However, it seems to me a child rejected by a parent hurts more than anything, & the pain often continues well into adulthood.  There are ways to cope however.

 

You have to realize that a parent who abuses (rejects) their child is the one with the problem, not the child.  I know, that is a tough thing to really get a good grasp on, but it is vital that you do!  A child cannot do anything that forces her parent to reject her- that is on the parent.

 

When your parent rejects or hurts you, ask God to tell you the truth about the situation.  As soon as possible, get into prayer.  Ask God, “Is my parent right in what she said about me?”  “Did I deserve to be treated that way?”  or any other questions you may have, then wait on Him to speak to you.  God cannot lie.  He will tell you the truth, & it will heal your wounds!  I have done this many times.  God has carried me through some incredibly painful experiences by simply speaking His truth, the real truth, to my heart.

 

Look at the situation from your parent’s perspective.  If your parent is a narcissist & you aren’t, this can be kind of tricky, but I encourage you to try it.  It will show you the depths of their dysfunction, which will help you to understand that you aren’t the problem.  For example, my mother has always had problems with my looks.  I look absolutely nothing like her, but instead look like my father’s family, in particular my grandmother.  Looking at it through my mother’s eyes, I can see how this is a problem.  My mother told me she assumed I would look like her when I was born, but I didn’t.  She hates her in-laws, all of them, & here I am, looking like them instead of her.  Her mother in-law to boot!  Does that mean it was OK for her to be so hyper critical & cruel to me about my looks?  Of course not.  But, understanding that showed me that I’m not the repulsive, ugly creature she always treated me like, & my mother has problems to treat me that way!  In fact, my grandmom was a beauty in her youth, so I consider it an honor to look like her.

 

Accept the fact that your parent isn’t capable of loving you in a normal, healthy way that a parent should love a child.  This one is hard & very painful, but you need to do it.  If you don’t, you might cling to the hope that she’ll change.  Instead, you’ll constantly be disappointed that your parent didn’t treat you better this time when you saw each other.  Your parent not changing has nothing to do with you- no one can make another person change.  Instead, it has everything to do with your parent not wishing to change, to be emotionally healthier.

 

Talk about your pain.  Pray.  Talk to a trusted friend or relative.  Write in your journal.  Get the hurt & pain out of you so it doesn’t poison you.

Be prepared- you may feel anger that you’ve never felt before.   The more you heal from narcissistic abuse, the more you see things through a healthier perspective.  That means that what was once normal for you suddenly you see as incredibly dysfunctional or abusive.  This is going to make you angry.  I started getting angry at my mother a few years ago for ordering me around like I was her personal slave rather than asking me to do thing for her.  All my life, that was just how she was.  No biggie.  Once I got much healthier, I realized I deserve better than to be bossed around so disrespectfully, & it made me very angry.  As the anger rises up in you, don’t be afraid of it.  Don’t ignore it, because it won’t just go away.  Find healthy ways of dealing with it.  Talk to God about it.  Vent to someone close.  Write scathing, angry letters that you don’t show to anyone.  Just get the anger out of you!

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10 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

10 responses to “Rejection & Narcissistic Abuse

  1. Excellent post, Cynthia! I’m in the midst of the ‘devalue and discard’ stage and it is hard. Coming to terms with rejection is not easy at all. What has helped is my deepening walk with God and a new found knowledge of narcissism. Making an effort to understand my mother has helped me move beyond just observing and disliking her. Thank you so much for this post and for obeying the call of God on your life (I feel like I can’t say this enough!!). I’ve found journalling, prayer, counselling and just talking it out have really helped me release the anger. I’m trying to get out for more walks and outdoor runs now that the weather is better. Any other suggestions for anger-releasing outlets?

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    • Thank you Nadia! You are too kind. ❤

      I'm sorry.. it's really hard to come to terms with that rejection. It really does draw you closer to God & He helps you get through so much, doesn't He? 🙂

      Releasing anger takes a lot of time & energy, so even though you're doing so many good things, it'll still take you some time. One thing I've found very helpful too is to really feel the anger. I know, it's scary if you weren't allowed to do it growing up, but it gets easier as you get more practice. Feel that anger, get it out of you however works best (for me, it's prayer & journalling about it). You may need to do that a few times for an incident, but it does work. Remember too, the Bible said be angry but don't sin. Anger is OK! It has a purpose- to let people know when something is very wrong. Forgiveness will come, just not overnight. Hope this helps!

      Liked by 1 person

      • That does help–thank you!! I’m learning how to feel anger. It is sooooo very foreign. At first, I resisted it. My counsellor and others have been instrumental in encouraging myself to feel the anger, rage and frustration that had been stifled for so long. Thanks for saying that I might need to do it a few times for an incident. There’s one memory lately where I’ve been feeling the anger come back again and again. Nice to know this is a natural part of working through it.

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        • You’re welcome! Glad it helps!

          I’ve never understood people who say they can just let things go. They must be freaks of nature.. lol I think most of us, especially those who have been abused, really have to feel it before we can let things go.

          Ugh, that’s rough, when you think of something & the anger keeps coming back. Been there quite a few times myself. It’ll get better in time. Just get angry about it as much as you need to. When I journal, I let it all out- bad language, name calling & all. It helps purge all that nasty stuff out.

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  2. Angela

    I don’t know whether this will help. I thought about my anger as poisonous bubbles coming to the surface from deep within me, and bursting when they got to the surface. I too, got angry about the same things over and over, but there’s a lot of anger to release. I write my anger out in a notebook app on my tablet – bad handwriting, bad spelling and bad words, and then delete it straight away. As my mother has passed, she is no longer here to add to what she has already done, so I feel it’s not so hard for me as I’m only dealing with past abuse and not present as well, but I do remember what it’s like.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Angela

        To explain further, I see the poisonous bubbles of anger as my suppressed feelings about events that should not have happened to me, and things that were dumped on me, that do not belong to the soul that God gave me, and the person He created me to be. I once heard a preacher say “We come to the Lord as sinners, and then spend all our time pretending that we’re not.” So I’ll own and take responsibility for my own sins, but I don’t need to own and hang on to anybody else’s. Here ends today’s sermon, with apologies to Cynthia – this is your blog, not mine.

        Liked by 1 person

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