No Contact Isn’t Cowardly Or Weak

**DISCLAIMER:  If, like many of my readers, you are in the unfortunate position of not being able to go no contact with your narcissistic parent, please do NOT think this article is aimed at you!  It most certainly isn’t!!  I’m sure many of you have been shamed enough & I am not trying to add to that shame by implying you’re weak or wrong or whatever for being in that position.  Every situation is unique, & I won’t judge you.  This post is aimed at those who have gone no contact, not you!**

 

Going no contact (or even low contact for that matter) with a narcissistic parent isn’t an easy thing to do.  There is a tremendous amount of anger & grief at the abnormal, awful circumstances that bring a person to this decision.  Then there is society & their warped views of no contact.  Some people think you should cut someone out of your life (yes, even a parent) at the first sign of them disagreeing with you.  At the opposite end of the spectrum are those who think you’re a horrible person if you even entertain the  idea of ending a relationship with your parent, no matter what.  Many of those people also think you’re weak for “taking the easy way out”.  That is the point I want to address today.

 

If you’re in the painful place of having gone no contact with your narcissistic parent, my heart breaks for you.  I know the pain of this first hand & would tell anyone who thinks it’s easy or cowardly that they are completely, absolutely, 1,000% WRONG.

 

First of all, a relationship with an abusive parent is incredibly painful.  Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, & realizing that not only do they not love us but are out to hurt & control us hurts!  Really, really freaking hurts!  How can anyone continue to subject themselves to that indefinitely?  Every person has their limits.

 

Secondly, even considering how painful it is having an abusive parent, children naturally don’t want to end that relationship.  It feels unnatural to end that relationship.  How can it not?!  That’s your mother or father, not some casual acquaintance.

 

Third, thinking about going no contact isn’t some easy decision like where to go for dinner.  It takes a lot of prayer, thought, time, weighing your options, imagining scenarios.. it’s incredibly draining just to think about, let alone do it.

 

Lastly, once you are no contact, that doesn’t mean things are going to be easy.  Without that narcissistic parent in your life, your emotions that you stifled so long just to survive the toxic relationship are probably going to come to the surface & demand you deal with them.  That’s never fun!  I’m going through it myself & I can tell you, quite frankly, it’s really rough!  (It’s good in the fact I’m finally able to deal with stuff left untouched in so long, but it’s not fun to go through the process).  There’s also the distinct possibility your narcissistic parent will send the flying monkeys after you to “talk some sense” into you by attempting to make you feel guilty for going no contact.  After all, that parent won’t be around forever yanno!  She’s getting older, & she is your mother yanno!  Flying monkeys are always fun to deal with.  (yes, I’m being totally sarcastic in that comment).  Even more fun is the chance your narcissistic parent will attempt to contact you personally.  There’s nothing quite like going along with your day, in a good mood, when you open your mailbox & see that parent’s handwriting.  So much for that good mood.  You can block that parent from emailing, calling, texting or on social media, but you can’t block postal mail.

 

So if anyone reading this thinks no contact is the cowardly thing to do, the easy route, think again.  It’s far from it!  Going no contact is actually a very brave, incredibly difficult thing to do.

 

8 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

8 responses to “No Contact Isn’t Cowardly Or Weak

  1. Well said, Cynthia. It took me almost 5 years between coming out of the fog of abuse (realizing that my mother was a N abuser and my siblings enabled her) to decide to go NC. In that time I tried talking to my mother about the pain she caused in the mistaken belief that she’d stop if she knew how much she was hurting others. I also spoke to my siblings to try to get them to put up a united front when our mother was abusive. All of my efforts to end the abuse failed. Finally, after years of trying, I gave up. I had my last straw moment and realized that it was hopeless to expect anything different from my FOO. I thought that was going to be the most difficult part of the process. Boy, was I wrong! I lost my entire family, including my nieces and nephews. I was punished with cruel text messages and slandered on FB. My NM contacted my in-laws in her attempt to hurt me through them. I was told to return family photos because I was no longer part of the family. And while this was going on I started to process the memories of abuse I’d suppressed for so long with all of the pain that involved. Weak? Cowardly? It took all the emotional, physical, and spiritual strength I had to walk through that dark valley. And I did it while enduring the symptoms of CPTSD. I have no regrets. My experience since going NC has been painful but it’s paid off in big ways. I have peace for the first time in my 63 years and I’ve done lots of healing. My heart breaks for those whose individual circumstances prevent them from going NC. May God watch over them.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Amy

    Hi Cynthia,

    I am 8 months in no contact now & as you said, it has been & is incredibly tough. So painful. Even though I know it is necessary for my overall well being, it hurts more than anything else I have ever been through.

    I wanted to thank you for what you do. Have been reading your blog throughout this tough time & can’t even tell you how many times you took the words right out of my mouth & validated the exact feelings I was struggling with. Also have now subscribed to your You Tube page. What you are doing matters & makes a huge difference to so many. This is (most times) a very lonely path to take in life, so your words are very appreciated.

    Thank you again.
    God Bless,
    Amy

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thank you for speaking the truth. My heart is with you. Staying no contact with abusive parents is especially more painful in my culture (Taiwan), as in many Asian cultures, where filial piety (basically abiding by & respecting your parents) is a highly held moral tradition. People tend to assume the adult child that cut her relationship with her parents is at fault or somehow morally flawed. *sigh* So I almost never let anyone know the details about my biological family. I don’t like to talk about it anyway. People are so quick to judge.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re welcome. ❤

      No wonder you don't discuss the details of your family. People are very quick to judge as you said, but much more so in the Asian cultures where filial piety is so revered. It's a shame people when people don't look beyond their own beliefs & be objective.

      Liked by 1 person

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