Sloppy Narcissists

Many narcissists are incredibly sloppy.  Their homes & cars are dirty & disorganized.  There are several possible reasons for this.


Often, overt narcissists feel they are above doing mundane chores such as washing their car or cleaning their home.  They expect their parent or spouse to take care of such trivial matters.  Covert narcissists will do these things in order to show their lowly status so you will pity them.  See what their overtly narcissistic spouse makes them do??  Poor covert narcissist…


Overt narcissists also enjoy the power trip of making someone else clean up after them.  They enjoy the feeling of power they get from making anyone do or feel anything, quite frankly, & having someone clean up after them is just a part of that.  Power in any form equals narcissistic supply.


Being messy means people don’t want to come into your personal space.  This can work well for the covert narcissist since they are often more introverted than their extroverted counterpart, the overt narcissist.


It can be a show of dominant behavior if someone is messy in another person’s space.  It shows that the narcissist is taking over someone else’s space or is exercising dominance over the space.  My ex husband was incredibly sloppy around our home & cars even knowing how much it bothered me.  He said he didn’t mind the mess, which obviously was all that mattered to him.  No amount of begging & pleading would make him stop being a slob.  Looking back, I believe it was simply a way of extending his dominance.  Also, my mother was a terrible housekeeper when I was a kid.  It bothered my father.  So much so, he once had me ask her to clean the house for my birthday gift (the result was her screaming at me & the house stayed filthy.  He never acknowledged how wrong it was to put me in this position).    I believe this was her way of dominating the home as well as her attitude of being above doing housework.


If you’re in a relationship with a messy, sloppy narcissist, make no mistake, it has a purpose.  Everything narcissists do has a purpose, which includes being slobs.  If you’re frustrated by this, that is supply for the narcissist.


Unfortunately I have yet to find any way to deal with this behavior successfully.  All I can tell you is to pray about it & ask God for wisdom & creative ways to deal with the situation.  And, remember, it’s ultimately narcissistic supply, so provide as little as possible.  Respond, don’t react.  Hide your anger or hurt in their presence.  The less supply you provide a narcissist, the greater the chance that person will get bored with attempting to upset or control you.



Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

14 responses to “Sloppy Narcissists

  1. I’ve had the opposite experience. My NM has always been an excellent housekeeper and her home was always very clean and neat. She never allowed anyone else to clean it and we didn’t have chores around the house. As a result we didn’t learn how to clean (or cook). I remember one day I was so bored that I started to clean our refrigerator and she threw a fit, accusing me of trying to take her place after my father, in a rare instance of positive reinforcement, commended me. That was my last attempt to do anything to help around the house. Later on, when her strength and eyesight began to fail, we (my siblings and I) grew concerned because her house was frankly dirty. And we suggested that we get a cleaning service for her. But she refused. The house was always her province and she has never relented, even though she can no longer keep it clean. Apparently the control she has always enjoyed is something she still clings to, even if she has to live in dirty house.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow.. total control freak huh?

      There are a lot of narcissists like that too. My late mother in-law always kept a neat, clean house. It seems to be a one extreme or the other kind of thing- they’re either total neat freaks or total pigs, nothing in between. It seems to me from my experience & that of others I’ve spoken with that there are more sloppy than neat ones, but it’s always one extreme or the other.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Cindy

    It reminds me of my dad coming into my space whenever he worked on my car or got me gas for it…I appreciated it,but he would always yank down and break the string on whatever I had hanging from the rear view mirror.I tried to give him benefit of doubt at first,like maybe it was just in his way,but I think breaking something of mine,esp if it was something given to me by a friend or hub,my bf at the time,was a way to show dominance over me.
    Pathetic.If I’d done that to something of his,I’d have never heard the end of it.For the next 30 years,literally

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jarwithaheavylid

    Great points.

    The narc was married and used to come over and comment on the ‘creative mess’ that was my house. If a bottle had been in the same place on the floor the second or third time he came, he’d comment on it. He was grooming me to become the person I needed to be to win the appointment (slave) but I didn’t change. THANK GOD FOR THAT! 🙂

    He wasn’t a clean person. His car was a pigsty and another home he lived in wasn’t clean either. His wife either was already a clean freak, or he turned her into one. Yep, you really ‘won’ him, honey.

    Whenever I mow the lawn, I always think back to the narcissist’s future fakings – “I can come over and mow your lawn” (probably knowing I’d never take him up on it). ‘Look at me! I’m a ‘normal’ man – I do these things!’

    But now when I think of him, it always makes me think of how much of a loser he really is. He either has to pay someone to do it (so pathetic he can’t even mow his own lawn like real man), or have to mow it to APPEAR like a real man and hate his wife and himself for the simple peasant he is.

    The narcissist is a loser either way. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. disorienteddaughtering

    I’ve dealt with both sloppy narcissists and neat freak controlling narcissists. I agree with you that it’s never about how clean the house is, it’s 100% about control and garnering sympathy for themselves. My neat freak narc always played the “poor me” card because (in her mind) she did everything, no one ever helped her, and when we did, we did it badly or wrong on purpose just to make her life harder because we were lazy and stupid and ungrateful, etc. You nailed it on the sloppy narc – the one I dealt with felt that it was my place to clean up after him, and when I didn’t, he sometimes got physically abusive.


  5. So true!!! My mom exactly lol .. 😂😂😂 Could check my blog out please? Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: The Slothful Slob – Desolate Life

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