Why Are Victims Supposed To Fix The Abusive Relationship?

Why is it when someone has either set boundaries in or ended an abusive relationship, people try to convince that person to “forgive & forget” or “be the bigger person” & fix the relationship?  Have you noticed how commonplace this is?  Think about it…


If a daughter in-law is constantly belittled by her mother in-law, she is told to be the bigger person.  Let it go.  She is only trying to help by criticizing everything about you!


If your abusive parents have been out of your life for some time, then they become ill or worse are dying, chances are someone is going to tell you that you need to make things right with your parents.  You need to be there for them & take care of them!  You owe your parents that much!


A wife whose husband has beaten or raped her is told to forgive him since he was drunk.  He didn’t know what he was doing.  Stop making a mountain out of a molehill!


This is a major pet peeve of mine.  It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to expect an innocent victim to repair an abusive relationship.  Why don’t people tell abusers to fix the relationship instead?  Why not tell them to stop abusing?!


I think some people simply don’t want to face the fact that there is a lot of ugliness in the world.  They prefer to think everything is unicorns & rainbows, when nothing could be further from the truth.  Anything that interrupts their ignorance is met with denial or even hostility.


Some people, flying monkeys in particular, don’t want to believe that a person could be so bad.  Maybe they know the abuser & have seen the “good person” show that he or she puts on.  They would prefer to believe that facade is the real person, not the vicious, devious, abusive monster who has hurt you.


When this happens to you (& sadly it will at some point), it’s going to hurt.  It’s going to make you angry.  This is only natural since this type of thing is triggering & painful.  You can cope, however.


If you see the conversation you’re in is taking this turn, then end it.  Change the subject.  Say you won’t discuss this topic with this person.  Walk away if you must or hang up the phone.


Don’t buy into that “you need to be the bigger person” nonsense.  You didn’t cause the damage, you don’t need to fix the damage.  Fix only what you broke & apologize if you hurt people.  Take responsibility for things you have done wrong only.


And really.. how is it a good thing to stay in an abusive relationship anyway?!  Not only does that take a toll on your physical & mental health, but it encourages the abusive person to be abusive!  While no one can make an abuser become a kind, Godly person, setting boundaries sets the stage for that person to change their abusive behavior.  That is truly loving, Godly behavior!  Tolerating abuse from anyone is NOT!


Rather than listening to that drivel about being the bigger person, do what you know God wants you to do.  Stick to your boundaries.  Don’t be bullied or manipulated into allowing an abusive person back into your life.  Surround yourself with good, loving, Godly people who understand, love & support you.




Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

15 responses to “Why Are Victims Supposed To Fix The Abusive Relationship?

  1. Tess

    thank you Cynthia that is just what I need to hear right now…..

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The “bigger person” thing really burns me up. When someone urges you, even tells you (an insult in itself as an adult has no right to tell another adult what to do), that you must overlook and continue to endure abuse what they are really saying is that you are the smaller person. The smaller person is deemed not worthy of respect, love, freedom, peace, or health of mind or body, but must give up these things to serve the interests of a person who has made hurting them their lifestyle. It’s just another cruelty piled onto the ones the victim has already endured. Sometimes it’s well-meaning in the sense that the person urging you to do this may want to see two estranged people reconnect. At best this is thoughtless and one-sided. But it’s usually said by an enabler or FM who isn’t acting in the best interest of the victim and is probably also a N. Victims of N abuse just want to be left in peace. We shouldn’t have to hear from those not party to the dispute that we must return to a situation and relationship that has done so much to harm us.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Teresa Dexter

    hi Cynthia My narc friend has a clique of people who seem unwilling to accept me into her harem…..they have been intimidating by their indifference and negative bady language and behaviour…..thay havent been nasty…just silently disapproving . Because of this I am unable to make myself vulnerable  by connecting with these ladies as i am already struggling with the ringleader’s put downs ….and accusations of “holding on to unforgiveness “at being snubbed in this way. My narc friend  will not respond to my pleas to talk about this pushing away…..when I confess to feeling hurt and confused by their behaviour, she says I need to forgive and move on… but without this being brought out into the open, I am becoming more and more anxious and struggle to feel ok about myself, as these folk r all Christians. I am being made to feel the  unloving and unreasonable instigator even thoI know I have always shown acceptance and respect to these people To be forced to forgive….yet to find my narc wont acknowledge this is happening is sheer torture….its like the silent treatment by “turning a blind eye”….pretending it isnt happening. Whenever I try to speak up about it, the only response is more accusations that I am unforgiving and that I need to let it go…that i am bitter and twisted..etc etc Its like entrapment by instigating guilt …false guilt…and is triggering cptsd symptoms that i am struggling to cope with. No one seems to “get it”….the anxiety this enforced silence is causing. Thank you for your patience Teresa Dexter xx  

    Liked by 1 person

    • Teresa, it sounds like you really need to distance yourself from these people. They sound so toxic! You don’t deserve to be treated this way! You aren’t being unforgiving- you simply want to be treated with basic human respect. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t want to do that. People are nothing but tools for them- something to use when needed & ignored when not. They think of people the same way your average person thinks of a screwdriver. Use it when needed, ignore it the rest of the time, & it has no feelings or needs. Nothing can change that except God.

      Liked by 2 people

    • People can call themselves anything they like, but that doesn’t make it true. Your “friends” are not Christians. They are only wearing a label. And they do “get it”. They know exactly what they’re doing and they enjoy it because it gives them power and control over you. They aren’t going to change because, from what you have told us, they are narcissists and a narcissist doesn’t change. You need true Christian friends and not these wolves in sheeps clothing. There is no way you can fix this because what they’re doing works for them and that is all that they care about. I suggest that you focus on their words and actions and stop trying to figure out what you did wrong. That way you’ll be more likely to see them for what they are. And it’s not good, Christian people. Since you are a Christian anxious to do what God wants you might be interested in this book by Rene Pittelli. It lists many verses that address your situation from a Christian perspective: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1546336664/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Cynthia, I just want to thank you for this post. I could write dozens of paragraphs explaining why I wholeheartedly relate and agree with everything you said here. Suffice it to say: I relate and I agree!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I was doing research on how to start writing my memoirs about my childhood sexual abuse and rape and the many traumas I have survived. I committed to healing in 2010. Now I want to have a business helping women to commit to therapy like I did and heal. Anyway, I wanted to say THANK YOU. Your blog is refreshing and I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I frequently post “Forgiveness is not an Eraser”. Even though we forgive or release them from debt there is still a lot of work left to do on repairing the damage done. At five years old I was raped by my mothers’ boyfreind. Forgiving him did not remove the damage to my self worth. At 50 I committed to therapy and have since healed. I no longer suffer from depression, but I want to help other women commit to and complete therapy. Sorry for the long comment. Thank you for what you do. I will be following you.


    • Hi, Mozayik! Nice to meet you!

      Thank you so much for your kind comment! I really appreciate that!

      I’m so very sorry for what you have experienced. How horrific!! It’s wonderful though that you’re using what you’ve learned to help others. I have no doubt you’re doing great things for many others who have experienced abuse.

      I like your phrase, forgiveness isn’t an eraser. It’s true, it isn’t! Many people think it is though. So many also think going no contact with an abuser will make everything better when in fact, it’s just the start of your healing. It’s a pity how many wrong beliefs are out there, isn’t it?

      Thank you for writing.. have a blessed day! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Why Are Victims Supposed To Fix The Abusive Relationship? – The Souls' Poetry

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