A Message For Those Who Support Narcissistic Abusers

I always said I’d keep my writing real & I’m doing that with this post.  Be forewarned, it’ll be ugly because I’m very angry as I write this.  It also isn’t going to be pretty or succinct, but it’s going to be real.

**note- this post had to be edited for clarity before publishing.  For a short time after a flashback, my brain doesn’t work very well.  I made tons of spelling errors & unclear thoughts when I first wrote this post.  I needed a couple of days to recover then correct this post before publishing.  Although I wanted this post to be 100% real, that wasn’t quite possible if the post was to be readable.  I did maintain the thoughts & original message, I just prettied it up.  This post isn’t indicative of how coherent I am after a flashback. Thanks for understanding!**

 

This was just going to be a journal entry, but I felt instead I should make it a blog entry.  It felt important enough to put out there for the world to see & to rearrange my scheduled posts so this will post in just a couple of days.  When I prayed about this, God told me, “It needs to be said.”  So, I’m saying it.

 

A little while ago, I was watching “Law & Order SVU”.  One of the detectives was talking to a young woman about statutory rape.  That phrase triggered a flashback as soon as I heard it.

 

When I was 17 & trying to date my now ex husband, my overt narcissistic mother’s abuse was at its peak.  She didn’t like him, & was determined to keep us apart at any cost.  One of the many cruel things she did during that time was accuse me of things I wasn’t doing, including having sex.  She was absolutely obsessed with that topic, thinking I was having sex not only with my ex but a LOT of guys at our high school, including the entire football team.  Anyway one day during one of her many daily screaming fits at me, she told me that since my ex was six months younger than me, she could easily have me arrested for statutory rape for having sex with him.  I can’t describe the blind fear that put in me.  Not because I was actually doing anything, but because I was certain that the police would believe her.  She had about everyone we knew convinced I was nothing but a promiscuous juvenile delinquent.  I couldn’t believe the police would think otherwise.  It also made me wonder exactly what else she was capable of.

 

As I was writing this in my journal, trying to process this abuse, I also had another thought.  I thought about people who blindly support narcissists.  They need to know things like this, things the person they’re so devoted to is capable of doing.  If you know someone who is on a narcissist’s side, then by all means, feel free to show them this post if you think it’ll make a difference!

 

The rest of this post is directed at them.

 

Dear supporter of a narcissist:

 

Think for a moment about what I shared above.  My own mother threatened to have me arrested for something I wasn’t even doing.  And, this is just one example of how she abused me.  She screamed at me for hours every single day, telling me what a terrible person I was, I was stupid, ugly, a disappointment & so much more.  She didn’t just say it, although that would’ve been bad enough.  She literally screamed it repeatedly each & every day several times a day.  She often was so close I could feel her breath on my face.  (To this day, I still get panicky if I feel someone’s breath on me thanks to her.)  My ears would ring after she stopped screaming, because she was so loud.  Many narcissistic parents do the same kinds of things my mother did to me to their children.  How can you support a person who is capable of doing this to their own child?!  Do you honestly think that person is truly worthy of your loyalty?

 

Not only did my mother abuse me daily, but my covert narcissist father did nothing to stop it.  When I told him, he would say something about the way she treated me was hard on him, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.  As if failing to protect me wasn’t quite enough, he also wanted me to comfort him instead of him comforting & protecting me like any decent parent would do.  This is abusive & it’s pure evil, treating your own child this way, yet many covert narcissists do this & more.  Why does someone like this deserve any of your respect, loyalty & devotion??

 

Here we are, almost 30 years after the threat of being arrested & the daily scream-fests.  I’m still dealing with it & countless other similar incidents.  Thanks to the abuse I endured, I have C-PTSD, which means have flashbacks on a pretty regular basis.  Today’s was not an isolated incident.  Anxiety & depression often get so bad that I can’t even leave my home.  My moods are a roller coaster & it takes a LOT of strength not to yell at my husband or cry on him most days even though he’s not the cause of the mood swings.  I have nightmares more nights than not, when I can finally get to sleep that is.   Usually, even with sleep aids, I still have trouble falling & staying asleep.  We won’t even discuss how pitiful my short term memory or my comprehension are thanks to C-PTSD.  Many adult children of narcissists also suffer with C-PTSD because of being abused by the people who were supposed to love & protect them- their parents.  We are the ones who deserve  love & support, not the abusive, wicked narcissists who derive pleasure from hurting others, even their own kids!

 

Meanwhile, like most narcissistic parents, my parents tell people they don’t know what’s wrong with me.  (They obviously didn’t care enough to listen when I told them during our last conversations why I was upset with them, even though I was in tears.)  They don’t get why don’t I call or visit or take care of them.  The simple truth is I had to get away from them to protect what’s left of my sanity & protect myself from further abuse.  I just couldn’t take any more.  My mother made it easy by removing herself from my life last year.  My father wasn’t far behind.  I just saved him the trouble by going no contact before he did.

 

And as if all of this wasn’t bad enough, then there are many people out there who defend these evil narcissistic people & invalidate their victims!  They say victims need to get over it, fix things with their parents, use guilt laden phrases like “your parent won’t be around forever yanno!” (they must have forgotten many children die before their parents)  or simply don’t believe them.  Talk about a slap in the face!  It’s just one more incident of abuse heaped on the pile.  Discrediting a victim especially when you don’t know the facts is abuse!  It’s invalidation!  

 

People who blindly side with someone when two people are having problems are acting incredibly foolishly.  It makes no sense to side with one person while not knowing all of the facts!  It’s even worse when the side chosen is the side that enables & encourages a person to abuse their own child, no matter what the child’s age!  Unless a person is truly naive enough to be duped by a narcissist, the only reason a person would do such a thing (that I can fathom anyway) is they get a thrill from abusing the victim like the narcissist does.  I believe there are many wicked people like that, which is partly why I refuse to engage with anyone who shows me they are on the side of someone who is clearly abusive, in particular to me.

 

Does this describe you?  If you are reading this & offended, I’m sorry- I don’t want to offend anyone.  But, I do want to get people to think & one way to do that is to spell out the ugly truth.  If someone you know has told you they’re being abused, don’t brush them off!  Most people don’t make up lies like this.  It takes a lot of courage to admit you’re being abused, especially by a parent.  Don’t think that parent is too nice & couldn’t possibly be abusive either.  All abusers have a public persona & a private one.  Appearing “nice” in public is a way to make sure no one believes a victim.  They aren’t genuinely nice.  Don’t be naive enough to think otherwise.

 

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29 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

29 responses to “A Message For Those Who Support Narcissistic Abusers

  1. I can relate to everything you wrote here. The details from my life are different from yours, but the abuse my momster put me through is very similar.

    You wrote: “For a short time after a flashback, my brain doesn’t work very well. I made tons of spelling errors & unclear thoughts when I first wrote this post.” Yes, that happens to me, which is why writing my memoir is so hard. I have been trying, off and on, to write my story since 1975.

    Seventeen years ago, I wrote and published a novel under a different pen name. So I know I have the ability to write a book from beginning to end, and see it through to publication. But when it comes to writing my real-life horror story, my brain goes into flashback mode and then, like you, my thinking and my writing suffer. It’s a problem!

    However, I am very hopeful, now that I’m having neurofeedback treatments for my PTSD, that I will be able to finish and publish my memoir before I am gone from this earth. 🙂

    My mother used to accuse me of sexual behavior that I was not even thinking about, let alone doing. Later I learned that my mother had done the very things that she was falsely accusing me of, when she was a girl.

    Specifically, my mother wrongfully accused me of sexually molesting my much younger twin sisters. Not only did I never do such a horrible thing, it had never once entered my mind to do anything like that. I’m just not wired that way. Then the truth came out — when my mother was an older child, she sexually abused her much younger sister on multiple occasions, and punished her little sister by locking her in a dark closet under the stairs when she would not cooperate. it was twisted, very sick stuff.

    As I was reading your post just now, I had to wonder what kinds of things your mother did in high school with her boyfriends — and with the football team?

    Projection — it’s what narcissists do. If a narcissist is cheating on his or her spouse, they will accuse their spouse of cheating. It’s crazy making, gaslighting stuff. And it’s textbook behavior for the personality disordered.

    I am that sorry you went through this, and doubly sorry that others took the narcissist’s side over yours. This has been my experience, too. Sometimes I felt that other people taking my abuser’s side, hurt me as much, if not worse, than the original abuse did.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m so sorry you went through abuse as well! No child should have to suffer at the hands of their own parents especially.

      It really is a problem when your brain goes into flashback mode. It’s debilitating! When I wrote my autobiography, God got me through the entire process. It was incredibly hard, but I knew it had to be done. It was a relief once it was done too- not just because it was hard, but because it was so validating. Something about seeing my story in writing showed me exactly how horrible it was. Very helpful for me. I pray you’ll be able to get through writing yours & benefit from it as I have!

      That doesn’t surprise me at all about your mother. Narcissists do love projection, don’t they??

      I’ve wondered the same about my mother when she was in high school& with her football team. Or, was she simply a pervy middle aged woman who thought the guys on my school’s team were hot or something. Either way eeewww.

      Thank you so much. I’m sorry you’ve had the same experience with people taking your abuser’s side. It really does hurt as much as the original abuse, at least when it comes from someone who should know you better.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I had the same thought, that Cynthias mother was likely projecting her own sins onto Cynthia. Their need to expunge these sins is so great that they must purge them by transferring them onto someone else.

      Liked by 2 people

      • It sure is possible. My mother has some very strange views on sex. Very prudish. I wasn’t looking forward to it when I was a kid thanks to her saying it was so yukky (not exact words). This makes me think she either was sexually assaulted, or she did some pretty promiscuous stuff & thought I should behave better than she did so she’d try to make me think it was a bad thing. After thinking about it years later, her accusation with the football team (how many guys are on a football team anyway?!?!), I lean more towards being promiscuous.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes. In a very rare moment of insight and honesty, my mother told me once that she had treated me so badly when I was growing up, because she hated herself, and she saw me as an extension of herself.

        About a year later, I told my mother how much it had meant to me when she said that, and she “didn’t remember” saying it. This was typical of her, unfortunately. She also went right back to abusing me again, emotionally and verbally, and lying about me to others in the family. So I went no contact at long last, and she really came unglued. She wrote a 62 page letter telling me everything that was ever “wrong” with me, and she gave copies of the letter to my siblings and aunt, so they could know all the reasons why she hates me. But it backfired. My aunt and at least one sibling saw how wrong that was.

        Anyway, I did not read that letter, my husband tore it up before I could. It wasn’t about me anyway, I know this now. It was about her.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Don’t you just love triangulation? My NM has done this all her life because it benefits her. And when she dies her legacy will be 5 children who have no close or loving ties, only malice and strife. And the worst? That 4 of them don’t even see what she’s done.

          Liked by 2 people

          • That’s the part that puzzles me the most, how my four sisters and one of my two brothers can’t see reality when it comes to our mother. How deaf, dumb, and blind do you have to be?

            I know it’s probably just denial, not letting yourself consciously know what in your gut you already know. But it’s so crazy making. And very lonely for the scapegoat.

            Liked by 2 people

            • So many prefer a pretty lie to the ugly truth. It’s really sad. I know the truth can hurt but it’s better to face it than to continue living in fantasyland!

              Liked by 2 people

              • People live in that fantasyland for a variety of reasons. The only one that is truly justifiable is when a fellow victim is so fearful of the N, and so steeped in survival mode, that they are truly powerless to help anyone (even themselves). It takes a lot of courage to go up against a N since they react so maliciously to being exposed or challenged. And some people are just not strong enough to do that. I was in that position for a long time so I can understand their failure to act. And I have compassion for them. But if someone is not in that state of powerlessness I hold them responsible for: Acting in concert with the N as a FM
                For turning a blind eye to the suffering of the victim
                For failing to validate the victims experiences when they are told about them
                Those who do these things are just as guilty as the N.

                Liked by 1 person

        • Wow.. that moment must have been so revealing & helpful for you with your mother! Such a shame it didn’t last!

          62 pages?! That is utterly amazing!! It’s a good thing your husband tore it up before you could see it- even knowing it was about her & not you, there is no way it couldn’t have hurt at least some.

          Liked by 2 people

          • What my mother said about why she was always so hateful to me, was an amazing moment, like the sunshine briefly coming out from behind a storm cloud. I think for that moment, my mother was the person she would have been, if she hadn’t had a terrible head injury as a child that even she says forever changed her.

            Plus her dad came back from WW2 with a drinking problem and a lot of anger. And while her dad was away in the war, her mom, my grandmother, got a job manufacturing bomber airplanes to help the war effort, leaving my then preschool age mother in the “care” of her sexually abusive teenage cousin. So my mother went into motherhood already badly messed up for a lot of reasons. Plus she had married my often violently abusive dad when she was only 16. I was born when she was 18.

            It takes some of the hurt away, to understand what probably caused my mother to be such a mess!

            About 28 years before my mother wrote that 62 page hate letter, my mother sent me a 50 page letter. I did read that one, several times over a period of a couple of months, before I finally tore it up and tossed it. That letter was written on big yellow legal sized pages, in her tiny neat handwriting. Fifty pages of that is a lot of words.

            In all of those pages, there was only one sentence that wasn’t a put down. “I know your father has always loved you,” that sentence said. It was immediately followed by this: “However, he just does not like you.”

            Yes, you are right, it hurt. I am glad I did not read the 62 pages she sent in 2011.

            Hey, I just read your kindle book about honoring a difficult parent. It was great. I will write a review as soon as I can get my head in the right gear, lol.

            Liked by 1 person

            • It’s really heartbreaking all your mother went through, but there is one thing I don’t get- how could she abuse you?! She knew first hand how it felt to be abused! Any ideas about that? That’s something that constantly baffles me about so many abusers- they KNOW how it feels, yet they do it to others. Why?! It makes NO sense at all to me!

              A 50 page letter? Lord have mercy.. I’m so very sorry for all she did to you. She was incredibly cruel.

              Liked by 2 people

              • My NM was also abused for years by my MNF, a mean drunk. I witnessed it so I know how much she suffered. But is that an excuse for abusing her own children? In effect, isn’t she is punishing her kids for the sins of her husband? That is something that drives me to distraction. So many people claim that what an abuser has suffered excuses their cruelty to others (the ridiculous “hurting people hurt people” justification). This makes no sense. It’s also not scriptural. God never told us that sin is excused when the sinner has suffered at the hands of another. By that logic none of us would ever be held accountable for our sins since there is no one who hasn’t been hurt by someone else at some point in their life. That excuse is also not in the best interests of the abuser. What they need to hear is not that their evil acts are justified, but that they need to confess their sins, ask God for forgiveness, and repent (change their life) so that they won’t spend eternity in hell.

                Liked by 2 people

                • Well put, Suzanne! I think hurting people only hurt people sometimes & not in major ways. My husband sometimes comes home after a bad day at work & snaps at me, as an example. It’s no big deal because I know how he is- leave him alone for a bit when that happens, he’ll be fine & apologize. But for an abuser to abuse others as they were abused? That seems like more of a heart matter to me. Like they’re using their abuse as an excuse to sin. & lots of Christians have hopped on that train of thought too. “You can’t get mad at your abusive mom- she was abused!” Sooooo.. basically she has an excuse to hurt me but I don’t have a valid reason to be upset about it? Yea.. that makes sense. That sounds Biblical.. NOT.

                  Liked by 2 people

              • Hi, Cynthia. I have been thinking about what you asked in your reply to my comment three days ago, your question of whether I have any idea WHY my mother would abuse me, when she knows firsthand how awful it feels to be abused.

                This is something that has puzzled me a lot over the years. In my mother’s case, she is so narcissistic, so totally wrapped up in her Self, that the feelings of others almost never seem to register in her awareness. She thinks nonstop about her wants, her feelings, and how other people have let her down. But 99% of the time, she really does not seem to be aware that other people also have equally legitimate feelings, wounds, wants, and needs. It’s as if the rest of the people in her life are nothing but pawns on a chessboard, there for no other reason than to do her bidding.

                That’s why it was such an amazing shock to me, the time when she told me that she had treated me so badly as I was growing up, because she hated herself, and she saw me as an extension of herself. For my mother to be that honest and to have that much insight into her own ulterior motives, was astonishing. It was truly like a miracle.

                But the very next time that I talked to her about it, she could not remember ever saying that to me. It seemed that the brief window of her awareness had closed, apparently for good.

                Narcissists will raise all kinds of hell if they think they are being the least bit neglected or mistreated, because the world revolves around their feelings, their wants, their needs. But they will nonchalantly run like a bulldozer over everybody else, because no one else really exists as an actual person, in their universe.

                Liked by 1 person

                • You know, I’ve always read narcissists deliberately hurt their victims, & it’s never sat quite right with me. I do believe they do that most of the time, but not ALL the time. I’ve seen it with my parents- yes, plenty of times, they’re deliberately cruel, but there are also plenty of times it was obvious they simply didn’t care enough to think about me. They’re too focused on themselves at those times. This happened mostly with my father who, like your mother, had a terrible brain injury.

                  That had to be so disheartening with your mother, seeing that window had closed back up. I’m sorry.

                  I really think you described it perfectly- narcissists run like a bulldozer over everyone because no one else really exists as a person in their universe. When they’re out to hurt us it’s for their own gain or entertainment. When they hurt us unintentionally, it’s because we just haven’t been so much as a blip on their radar. People aren’t human to them. We’re pretty much like a screwdriver to them- pull us out to be used when they want to, then ignore us the rest of the time. They don’t think we have feelings or needs like a screwdriver doesn’t. We’re nothing more than objects to them

                  Liked by 1 person

  2. This is so very true!!

    I’m so sorry for what happened to you. How anyone can treat their children so horribly is beyond me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know how hard it was to write this, but it’s so necessary to expose evil and evil-doers. Thanks for being obedient to the Lords leading. Your suffering has not gone unnoticed by fellow survivors. Thank you!

    Like

  4. Susan

    I remember so much of this. The mornings when I was very young and could not eat the vile slop that passed for breakfast: when she would howl and scream in my face, ensuring that my throat closed so much I couldn’t have swallowed a bite even if I’d tried. then the putting on of the coat and scarf, so that she could tell me she was going to go drown herself in the river, and that when she did, it would be all MY fault: the younger siblings would not have a mother because of ME. The beatings. The denial of freedom. Even after I left, and moved out to live alone, the calls and demands that I visit. The circle of friends that I had at that time was predominantly male: I was accused of sleeping with them. The NF asked if I had become a prostitute because I was seen outside wearing makeup and a dress. The NM suggesting that maybe I should install a turnstile instead of a door to my room since there seemed to be a constant stream of men visiting me. And then, having invited my then best friend to visit them with me for Christmas, (my friend could not be with her family) they made up a double bed in the living room floor, because I was ‘obviously’ lesbian… This from one Nparent who had emotionally, physically and sexually abused me for years: and another who had terrorised, manipulated, threatened and bullied me for all of my life. And still, now, there are people who can’t believe that I treat such delightful, charming, lovely people so horribly.

    I cut contact around 20 years ago: the NM was still trying to force contact when she died: the other one has declared me the black sheep: told anyone who would listen that I destroyed the family and dragged the name through the mud. Some members of the extended family agree, and I have had letters telling me so: those people are also now out of my life. Others, some who I would never have expected to react as they did, wrote loving, thoughtful supportive letters telling me that they believed me, and that I had their support. The sad thing is that my trust has been so thoroughly destroyed that I can’t cope with their kindness any more than I can with the condemnation, and I have lost contact with most: and mistrust the motives of pretty much everyone I come in contact with.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hem

    I remember so much of this. The mornings when I was very young and could not eat the vile slop that passed for breakfast: when she would howl and scream in my face, ensuring that my throat closed so much I couldn’t have swallowed a bite even if I’d tried. then the putting on of the coat and scarf, so that she could tell me she was going to go drown herself in the river, and that when she did, it would be all MY fault: the younger siblings would not have a mother because of ME. The beatings. The denial of freedom. Even after I left, and moved out to live alone, the calls and demands that I visit. The circle of friends that I had at that time was predominantly male: I was accused of sleeping with them. The NF asked if I had become a prostitute because I was seen outside wearing makeup and a dress. The NM suggesting that maybe I should install a turnstile instead of a door to my room since there seemed to be a constant stream of men visiting me. And then, having invited my then best friend to visit them with me for Christmas, (my friend could not be with her family) they made up a double bed in the living room floor, because I was ‘obviously’ lesbian… This from one Nparent who had emotionally, physically and sexually abused me for years: and another who had terrorised, manipulated, threatened and bullied me for all of my life. And still, now, there are people who can’t believe that I treat such delightful, charming, lovely people so horribly.

    I cut contact around 20 years ago: the NM was still trying to force contact when she died: the other one has declared me the black sheep: told anyone who would listen that I destroyed the family and dragged the name through the mud. Some members of the extended family agree, and I have had letters telling me so: those people are also now out of my life. Others, some who I would never have expected to react as they did, wrote loving, thoughtful supportive letters telling me that they believed me, and that I had their support. The sad thing is that my trust has been so thoroughly destroyed that I can’t cope with their kindness any more than I can with the condemnation, and I have lost contact with most: and mistrust the motives of pretty much everyone I come in contact with.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Kim Kelly

    God bless you, Cynthia. This was my first visit to your blog, but it won’t be my last. I honor your pain and struggle and I thank you for helping others with your story.

    Like

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