I always said I’d keep my writing real & I’m doing that with this post. Be forewarned, it’ll be ugly because I’m very angry as I write this. It also isn’t going to be pretty or succinct, but it’s going to be real.
**note- this post had to be edited for clarity before publishing. For a short time after a flashback, my brain doesn’t work very well. I made tons of spelling errors & unclear thoughts when I first wrote this post. I needed a couple of days to recover then correct this post before publishing. Although I wanted this post to be 100% real, that wasn’t quite possible if the post was to be readable. I did maintain the thoughts & original message, I just prettied it up. This post isn’t indicative of how coherent I am after a flashback. Thanks for understanding!**
This was just going to be a journal entry, but I felt instead I should make it a blog entry. It felt important enough to put out there for the world to see & to rearrange my scheduled posts so this will post in just a couple of days. When I prayed about this, God told me, “It needs to be said.” So, I’m saying it.
A little while ago, I was watching “Law & Order SVU”. One of the detectives was talking to a young woman about statutory rape. That phrase triggered a flashback as soon as I heard it.
When I was 17 & trying to date my now ex husband, my overt narcissistic mother’s abuse was at its peak. She didn’t like him, & was determined to keep us apart at any cost. One of the many cruel things she did during that time was accuse me of things I wasn’t doing, including having sex. She was absolutely obsessed with that topic, thinking I was having sex not only with my ex but a LOT of guys at our high school, including the entire football team. Anyway one day during one of her many daily screaming fits at me, she told me that since my ex was six months younger than me, she could easily have me arrested for statutory rape for having sex with him. I can’t describe the blind fear that put in me. Not because I was actually doing anything, but because I was certain that the police would believe her. She had about everyone we knew convinced I was nothing but a promiscuous juvenile delinquent. I couldn’t believe the police would think otherwise. It also made me wonder exactly what else she was capable of.
As I was writing this in my journal, trying to process this abuse, I also had another thought. I thought about people who blindly support narcissists. They need to know things like this, things the person they’re so devoted to is capable of doing. If you know someone who is on a narcissist’s side, then by all means, feel free to show them this post if you think it’ll make a difference!
The rest of this post is directed at them.
Dear supporter of a narcissist:
Think for a moment about what I shared above. My own mother threatened to have me arrested for something I wasn’t even doing. And, this is just one example of how she abused me. She screamed at me for hours every single day, telling me what a terrible person I was, I was stupid, ugly, a disappointment & so much more. She didn’t just say it, although that would’ve been bad enough. She literally screamed it repeatedly each & every day several times a day. She often was so close I could feel her breath on my face. (To this day, I still get panicky if I feel someone’s breath on me thanks to her.) My ears would ring after she stopped screaming, because she was so loud. Many narcissistic parents do the same kinds of things my mother did to me to their children. How can you support a person who is capable of doing this to their own child?! Do you honestly think that person is truly worthy of your loyalty?
Not only did my mother abuse me daily, but my covert narcissist father did nothing to stop it. When I told him, he would say something about the way she treated me was hard on him, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. As if failing to protect me wasn’t quite enough, he also wanted me to comfort him instead of him comforting & protecting me like any decent parent would do. This is abusive & it’s pure evil, treating your own child this way, yet many covert narcissists do this & more. Why does someone like this deserve any of your respect, loyalty & devotion??
Here we are, almost 30 years after the threat of being arrested & the daily scream-fests. I’m still dealing with it & countless other similar incidents. Thanks to the abuse I endured, I have C-PTSD, which means have flashbacks on a pretty regular basis. Today’s was not an isolated incident. Anxiety & depression often get so bad that I can’t even leave my home. My moods are a roller coaster & it takes a LOT of strength not to yell at my husband or cry on him most days even though he’s not the cause of the mood swings. I have nightmares more nights than not, when I can finally get to sleep that is. Usually, even with sleep aids, I still have trouble falling & staying asleep. We won’t even discuss how pitiful my short term memory or my comprehension are thanks to C-PTSD. Many adult children of narcissists also suffer with C-PTSD because of being abused by the people who were supposed to love & protect them- their parents. We are the ones who deserve love & support, not the abusive, wicked narcissists who derive pleasure from hurting others, even their own kids!
Meanwhile, like most narcissistic parents, my parents tell people they don’t know what’s wrong with me. (They obviously didn’t care enough to listen when I told them during our last conversations why I was upset with them, even though I was in tears.) They don’t get why don’t I call or visit or take care of them. The simple truth is I had to get away from them to protect what’s left of my sanity & protect myself from further abuse. I just couldn’t take any more. My mother made it easy by removing herself from my life last year. My father wasn’t far behind. I just saved him the trouble by going no contact before he did.
And as if all of this wasn’t bad enough, then there are many people out there who defend these evil narcissistic people & invalidate their victims! They say victims need to get over it, fix things with their parents, use guilt laden phrases like “your parent won’t be around forever yanno!” (they must have forgotten many children die before their parents) or simply don’t believe them. Talk about a slap in the face! It’s just one more incident of abuse heaped on the pile. Discrediting a victim especially when you don’t know the facts is abuse! It’s invalidation!
People who blindly side with someone when two people are having problems are acting incredibly foolishly. It makes no sense to side with one person while not knowing all of the facts! It’s even worse when the side chosen is the side that enables & encourages a person to abuse their own child, no matter what the child’s age! Unless a person is truly naive enough to be duped by a narcissist, the only reason a person would do such a thing (that I can fathom anyway) is they get a thrill from abusing the victim like the narcissist does. I believe there are many wicked people like that, which is partly why I refuse to engage with anyone who shows me they are on the side of someone who is clearly abusive, in particular to me.
Does this describe you? If you are reading this & offended, I’m sorry- I don’t want to offend anyone. But, I do want to get people to think & one way to do that is to spell out the ugly truth. If someone you know has told you they’re being abused, don’t brush them off! Most people don’t make up lies like this. It takes a lot of courage to admit you’re being abused, especially by a parent. Don’t think that parent is too nice & couldn’t possibly be abusive either. All abusers have a public persona & a private one. Appearing “nice” in public is a way to make sure no one believes a victim. They aren’t genuinely nice. Don’t be naive enough to think otherwise.