Comparing Your Healing To Others

When you begin talking to people about experiences with narcissistic abuse, it can be tempting to compare your experiences.  Especially in online groups, it’s very easy to see people in different levels of healing.  It can be discouraging seeing people who are obviously in a better place than you.


I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader.  Stop comparing your healing with that of other people!  Nothing good comes from comparison!  It only makes you feel badly about yourself!


Instead, remember- people are very different.  We all respond to things differently, we feel things differently & we process things differently.  Even if you & another person have very similar experiences with narcissistic abuse, those differences mean your healing will be unique to each of you.


One area in particular I struggled with is anger.  I think many people struggle in this area.  I used to feel badly because I’d see so many others who weren’t angry.  Yet, there I was, livid every time I thought of certain things my parents had done.  Others had experienced similar situations, yet obviously weren’t as angry as I was.  It made me wonder what was wrong with me.  I went to God with my concerns, & He shared some interesting things with me.


If you weren’t allowed to show anger as a kid, as is the case with most narcissistic parents, you’re going to be very angry as an adult.  The anger built up over the years because you had no way to release it.  Some children of narcissistic parents are fortunate enough to find outlets for their anger, so they don’t feel as angry as adults.   I was never allowed to show anger, not even simple frustration, as a child.  I was shamed greatly if I got angry, so I learned to avoid showing anger at all costs.  It’s only natural that I have a bigger problem with anger than someone who found outlets for their anger as a child.


There are also folks who continue to hold in their anger.  They deny feeling it, because they are still convinced that anger is a terrible thing that should be avoided at all costs.  These people may even be shaming towards others who feel anger, although unintentionally.  For example, they often try to be extremely positive  in order to deny their anger, which makes someone who is angry feel bad for not doing the same, even though being too positive isn’t mentally healthy.  (Being realistic is much healthier)


I hope you see that comparing your healing journey to that of other people is a complete waste of time.  There is truly no good that can come of it!  Walk your individual path proudly.  God has a unique plan just for you!  xoxo






Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

8 responses to “Comparing Your Healing To Others


    Hi Cynthia,Excellent post! Anger is something I had to deal with years ago when my kids were young. I would fly off the hand


    • Hi Lisa!

      Thank you!

      A lot of adult children of narcissists have had that problem or going the exact opposite way & stuffing all anger. One more way these parents damage their children. Thank God He shows us the problems & helps us fix them!


  2. HopeGlenn

    Thank you for your generous, heartfelt and spoken thoughts. How easy it is for one to compare to another. I hear often when people hear about my life that they did not have it so bad…I tell them to stop..everyone has their demons. It is how you deal with the demons and what you allow them to make you or not make you.
    I was scared for a long time..and that does profound things to you. Now I speak and do not make this evil pretty at all. Which is something I think I did for a moment..which in my eyes is giving it a stamp of approval.
    Now I speak and have nothing to be ashamed about. I am not evil. Those who did and do these crimes are evil. My place is to speak to bring forth another life. Amazing when you look at it that way..all the fear dissipates into thin air and all you see is life..profound life.

    Liked by 2 people

    • And thank you for your kind words!

      You are so right- everyone has their demons. Abuse is abuse, no matter how much or how little you received, it’s bad. Period.

      Good for you!! You definitely are not evil & there is nothing wrong with talking about your experiences. Quite the opposite- it’s a good thing. It helps you to heal & helps others heal as well. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think that anger too often gets a bad rap. Our emotions were given to us by God, so, in and of themselves, emotions aren’t bad. And that includes anger. The Bible says ““Be angry, and do not sin”. It doesn’t say to never be angry, but tells us not to sin because of anger. Dr. Henry Cloud says that anger is a helpful emotion. In the same way that physical pain tells us to get away from the source of physical harm anger tells us to get away from that which harms us emotionally. I believe that is why anger in their victims is so strongly suppressed by abusers. They know the anger is justified and therefore dangerous to them since, given expression, it would expose their evil conduct to others. And abusers fear exposure of their true natures and the evil things they do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I couldn’t agree more. Anger serves its purpose like everything else God has made. There needs to be better teaching about it! When I was a new Christian, all the teaching I heard was anger is bad, you shouldn’t feel it at all, you’re a sinner if you feel any anger, you need to forgive & forget. Totally useless teaching! And, it made me feel my mother was right & I was a terrible person because I got angry sometimes. How many others have felt this same way I wonder. Anger definitely isn’t a bad thing when it is balanced. Even Jesus got angry.

      Very true about abusers- they are threatened by our anger. That must be why they work so hard to stifle it. Wouldn’t want anyone finding out about the abuse or putting a stop to it!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Another encouraging post, Cynthia! It is really important not to compare ourselves to others. I know I was, in the beginning, and it only created more problems and feelings of inadequacy. As survivors, our journeys are so very different, but God’s grace remains the same. He’ll see us all through.

    Liked by 2 people

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