Never Justify Or Excuse Narcissistic Abuse

If you’re in the unenviable position of having a narcissist in your life on a regular basis, you have to do all you can to protect your mental health.  Narcissists do their level best to obliterate a person’s self-esteem & sometimes even their sanity.


One important way you can protect your mental health is not to make excuses for their bad behavior.


It might just be human nature, but people often want to justify someone’s bad behavior.  In many cases, that’s fine.  When someone cuts you off in traffic, maybe he didn’t mean to be a jerk, he was just in a hurry.  When your best friend snaps at you, it’s probably because her stressful job is getting to her- she didn’t mean to hurt you.  Small things like this it’s easy to forgive & forget.  They aren’t a big deal because the chances that person meant to upset or hurt you are virtually non existent.


With narcissists however, this isn’t the case.  Their entire existence revolves around getting narcissistic supply in any way they can.  If people are hurt in the process, so be it.  That doesn’t matter to a narcissist.


I used to make excuses for the behavior narcissists in my life.  As a child, I told myself my narcissistic mother was simply overprotective, not manipulative & controlling to an extreme.  When my father did nothing to protect me from her abuse, I told myself he just couldn’t do anything.  It’s not his fault.


It took me a long time, but I’ve finally accepted the truth- that there is no excuse for narcissists to behave as they do.  They know what they’re doing & if they didn’t, they wouldn’t work so hard to hide their behavior.  They also know the difference between right & wrong- they just don’t care.  Yes, these are some ugly truths, but they are also truths you need to accept about narcissists.


Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior only benefits the narcissist, never a victim.  Excuses show the narcissist that you will tolerate their abuse without complaint & excuse it away.  This basically gives them the green light to do whatever awful things to you they want to do.


Excuses also imprint in your mind that you don’t have the right to speak up, that you must tolerate abuse, because the narcissist has a good reason for behaving that way.  This is absolutely NOT the truth, & you do NOT need to believe that it is!


Excusing a narcissist’s behavior is basically gaslighting yourself.  You’re lying to yourself, telling yourself the behavior is normal or understandable when it’s anything but.  You get enough gaslighting from the narcissist- don’t add to it by excusing her behavior.


Remember, Dear Reader, narcissists abuse for one simple reason- themselves.  They want narcissistic supply.  There is no excuse for that.  Don’t tell yourself otherwise!


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

5 responses to “Never Justify Or Excuse Narcissistic Abuse

  1. tess

    I struggle so much with this, wanting to believe the best of those I love I get v anxious and feel bad about myself whenever I am forced to accept the awful truth….that people do mean to hurt and lie… do I change this unhealthy mindset of making excuses for bad behaviour?


    • Ask God for help, first & foremost. Ask Him to help you to see & accept the truth.

      Keep learning all you can about narcissism. The more you learn, the more you’ll see that these people deliberately choose hurtful, abusive behavior because they don’t care who they hurt. All that matters is what they want, no one or nothing else. Seeing it enough really helps to drive the point home.

      Remember too, accepting the awful truth about them doesn’t mean you’re a bad person! Far from it. It just means you have accepted a piece of information, as unpleasant as it may be.

      One other thing that may help is looking at your situation objectively. Pretend what happened to you happened to a very close friend. What would you tell her about the narcissist who hurt that friend? You wouldn’t invalidate her pain by making excuses for the narcissist, would you? Then don’t do it with yourself! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve found that the tendency to excuse N abuse is a contentious one even within the survivor community. And, in my experience, the most prevalent cause for this is psychology, or what is perceived to be the psychological underpinnings of abuse that has permeated the culture. Did our abuser have a bad childhood? A bad life experience? Have they experienced a traumatic event of some kind? Did they grow up in poverty? Then in the minds of some survivors they can’t be held responsible for abusing us. Things like morality, right and wrong, or the existence of sin and evil in human nature don’t enter into the discussion. I believe that too many of us are driven by the need to know why our abusers mistreated us, most often in the drive to somehow “fix” them, instead of focusing on stopping it by removing ourselves from the relationship or by refusing to tolerate the abuse. Too many of us live for years tolerating the intolerable from our abusers, living in hope that we’ll find the “fix” or that the abuser will change. But that is simply self-delusion. Narcissists abuse because it works for them and they don’t care who they hurt in the process. They aren’t sick. They aren’t mentally ill. They don’t have a personality disorder. They have a character disorder. Their character is evil. They are sinners who have no excuse for what they do. And psychology can’t fix that. That is something only God can change, and only if they allow it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Angela

    I find it helps to think about what I would do if the roles were reversed and if I was in the narcissist’s position. I know I’d treat other people with a lot more respect and understanding. We all get tired and grumpy, stressed in difficult situations and can behave badly at times, but most of us are prepared to apologise, take other people’s feelings into account and try to make amends. If someone consistently hasn’t got my best interests at heart (and everyone else’s), I try and avoid them as much as possible. When you talk to other people about their lives, everybody has had difficult times, but most people choose to use these experiences by being happy for friends and family when something good has happened, and being supportive and encouraging when things are going badly.

    Liked by 2 people

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