How To Cope With Smear Campaigns

When something happens with a narcissist, either an argument or you go no contact with them, they almost always start a smear campaign against you.

 

A smear campaign is when the narcissist tells anyone who will listen how cruel & unreasonable you were to her, how she doesn’t understand how you can treat her this way after all she did for you & other similar nonsense.  She may even add in lies, such as you’re mentally unstable or an addict to discredit you to the listener.

 

It’s only normal to want to defend yourself against such nonsense.  It hurts when people believe these lies, especially when those people are close to you.  Any normal person would want to convince those people that what the narcissist said about you was nothing but lies.  However, this is not a good idea!

 

By speaking out against the narcissist’s lies, it only serves to convince those who believe the lies that the narcissist is right.  They think you are crazy, jealous, bitter, unreasonable or other awful things that the narcissist said you are.  It’s not fair, but it’s how this situation works almost every single time.

 

The only way to defend yourself successfully against a narcissist’s smear campaign is not to defend yourself.  Although it sounds counterproductive, please hear me out.

 

Everything narcissists do boils down to them trying to gain narcissistic supply.  Any strong reaction from you, whether it’s positive or negative provides them with supply.  By creating this smear campaign, they are hoping to provoke anger & even hatred from you since that would provide supply.

 

The smear campaign is also done to discredit you in case you start speaking about the things the narcissist did to you.  If they can make people think you’re crazy, unreasonable, etc., people won’t believe what you say about the narcissist.  The narcissist’s reputation will be protected while yours is ruined, if the campaign goes as well as they expect it to.

 

By living your life as if nothing is happening, you’re depriving the narcissist of her precious narcissistic supply, which means she will get bored with you & leave you alone at some point.  You also are creating doubt in those who believe the smear campaign.  They will see that you act as a normal person, & start to wonder if the narcissist is really right about what she said.  You sure don’t seem crazy, unstable, etc. like the narcissist said.  Maybe what she said about you isn’t true after all.  In fact, the narcissist’s mask may fall off entirely, & others will see the monster under the mask.

 

So remember, Dear Reader, when this happens to you (& it will at some point if you’ve had a narcissist in your life), ignore the smear campaign!  Although it bothers you, never let that show.  Vent to safe people close to you, journal about your feelings & as always, pray, but do not let your hurt, anger or frustration show to anyone involved in the smear campaign!

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16 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

16 responses to “How To Cope With Smear Campaigns

  1. I couldn’t agree more. In my experience any reaction at all just makes things worse and not better. To react to the smears is to allow the N to manipulate me, and that is something I will never do again.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. ibikenyc

    I have been (mostly-succesfully) Grey Rock with Mr. Happy for at least a year, now.

    As GALLING as it is, what you say is of course absolutely correct: ANY reaction on our part is a “good” one for them.

    Most days he and I exchange literally fewer than a hundred words; his attempts to provoke me are usually laughably-transparent and pitifully-inadequate.

    Yesterday he said that he was going to go to the supermarket that’s further away because they’ve got some good sales on stuff he wants. I said he should make sure that he buys enough to save enough to make up for the bus fare he’ll have to spend to get there.

    For THAT I got told, with a sneer, that maybe I should change my name (or it should be changed) to “Anton Chigurh, that guy in ‘No Country For Old Men’.”

    THAT, unfortunately, got a reaction out of me: I said, “Oh; you’re projecting again! How cute!” and followed it up by emailing him the entry about Anton Chigurh from urbandictionary.com.

    (I have also put myself back on internal High Alert: That’s quite a warning.)

    Like

    • It does get kinda funny sometimes, once you understand a narcissist & they continue using the same old tricks to provoke you, doesn’t it?

      I admit, I had to go to urbandictionary.com to look up the reference since I hadn’t seen the movie. But dang.. definitely projection at its finest! Gotta love it when they do that nonsense, huh? omgosh.. @@

      Liked by 2 people

      • ibikenyc

        Oh; sorry about that, Cynthia.

        He’s like the current-day version of Hannibal Lecter, from Silence of the Lambs.

        Like

        • I kinda gathered that. Daaaaaannng!

          Liked by 2 people

          • ibikenyc

            (Just in case you’re still interested, the character is considered the most realistic in film history, according to a group of professors of psychiatry. I sure don’t expect us to keep going back and forth about this, though, so if it’s too upsetting, I certainly understand! My point really is what a HORRIBLE name it is to call someone!)

            http://www.businessinsider.com/psychopaths-in-movies-fact-vs-fiction-2016-1

            Like

            • I find psychpaths intriguing in a creepy, disturbing way, actually! So the article was interesting.

              That aside though…what a horrible thing to call anyone! Truly! I’m so sorry!

              Liked by 2 people

              • ibikenyc

                Thank you.

                Me, too, actually. I lived with a Socio (well, HE lived with ME) back in the early 90s, long before I had any idea of what I was REALLY dealing with. I just thought he was (short version) a big gigolo and a bigger jerk.

                In retrospect, I realize I unwittingly bored him out of there.

                I also realized how close I might have come to literally being one of those Jane Does they find out in the Everglades from time to time, had he been a Psycho instead.

                In 2012 or 13, TWENTY YEARS after being discarded by him, I got a message through FB: “Hi; are you the same IBikeNYC who used to live at such-and-such? If not, sorry; please excuse the message.” I simply ignored it, and I’ve heard nothing since.

                Liked by 1 person

  3. ibikenyc

    PS: FWIW, I’ll pass along a technique that’s helped me tremendously with maintaining my cool with this crap:

    Several years ago, I had a job where I worked with developmentally-disabled adults. Every one of them looked “normal,” and most of them, in brief / casual encounters, acted normally as well.

    Talk about cognitive dissonance!

    We staff quickly learned how to, as it were, change our expectation hats depending on whether we were dealing with clients or co-workers.

    Applying that same skill to dealing with Mr. Happy has helped me more than anything else in successfully maintaining Grey Rock with him.

    Please understand that I mean no disrespect or anything LIKE that. This simply keeps me mindful of the fact that I am dealing with a severely-disordered individual, regardless of what he looks or seems like on the outside.

    Liked by 1 person

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