One Person Cannot Fix A Relationship

Many of us raised by narcissistic parents have similar experiences.  One experience so many of us share is being told we need to fix things.  We need to find out what works & repair the damaged relationship with our narcissistic parent.

Maybe because so many people have such a warped view of the parent/child relationship they think the children should be the ones to fix it when there is a problem.  Or, maybe it’s simply because people realize that we are the reasonable, sane ones & the narcissist isn’t, they think we should fix it.  Either way, the expectation is absolutely absurd.

The simple fact is that one person can’t fix a relationship.  It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one, especially when one person in the relationship is a narcissist.

Narcissists are unlike normal people in many ways.  One of which is they do not have the capacity to care what others think or feel.  All they want is what matters, period.  Healthy relationships require both people to actively work on it & consider what the other person’s needs are.  That will NOT happen in a relationship with a narcissist no matter how much you might want it to.

The only way to have any success in a relationship with a narcissist is to completely forget yourself & focus on them completely.  Ignore any wants, needs, thoughts or feelings you have & keep the narcissist as your top priority 100% of the time.  Even this success will be fleeting, however, because narcissists constantly change the rules.  What makes them happy today may not make them happy next week, then three weeks later, that thing makes them happy again.  I have tried this personally in my younger & more dysfunctional days, & can tell you that every word I write is true.  No matter how much you give or how you change to please the narcissist, it won’t work.  Nothing is ever good enough.  It is absolutely impossible to please a narcissist.

So, Dear Reader, the next time someone tells you that you need to fix the relationship with your narcissistic parent, please remember what I have said.  Chalk their foolish words up to a lack of wisdom.  They clearly have no idea what they are saying, & how impossible the task is.  Or, if they are a flying monkey for the narcissist, & they do know how she is, they are abusers themselves.  Abuse isn’t always about actively abusing someone- it can be more passive, such as encouraging a person to stay in an abusive relationship.

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10 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

10 responses to “One Person Cannot Fix A Relationship

  1. I nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award. Check out my most recent post to learn more.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If “fixing” the relationship was so easy we’d never have to go NC with our abusive parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly. But flying monkeys act like it is easy. Not that they have advice for us of course.. they just act like “It’s so easy! How come you’re not smart enough to do it!?” *sigh* One of my aunts told me in a very shaming way that I needed to “fix things” with my parents & “don’t you tell me it won’t work!” Well, ok, I won’t tell you.. .but it still won’t work, idiot. @@

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sometimes I just want to scream, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?” But, I know what’s wrong with them, really. They’re cruel busybodies who have no genuine lives of their own, so they must insert themselves into the lives of others however they can. They may excuse their cruelty by saying that they just want the conflict to end for the sake of both parties, but in reality they thrive on it just as the N does.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yes yes yes! I hear ya. I’ve had more than enough moments of wanting to shake people & say ‘WTF is your problem?!!’ But it’s as you said.. cruel busybodies. I think you can tell them from the very few who genuinely think they’re helping, too. Even if what they say comes across sounding kinda iffy, you just know they aren’t the type to try to make you feel bad. Those people, it’s more like “SIGH!! I know you’re trying to help, but please just stop.”

          Liked by 1 person

          • One more type I have to mention is those who are still living in the fog of abuse. They’re in denial and comfortable there. They don’t want anyone to speak the truth and leave the family unit because that would illustrate just how dysfunctional it is and they’d be forced to face the truth. I’ve seen this in my siblings. One is a malignant N who gets N supply from abusing me but the other three are just unwilling to do anything to stop the abuse or even to admit that it is abuse. They may believe they’re doing the right and ethical thing by enabling our NM to continue doing just as she likes. They think they’re being kind to her, but in reality they’re just letting her destroy herself.

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  3. tandkgro

    That is for damn sure. Thank you for writing this article, I needed confirmation. Just finally waking up to the fact the 2 narcissists in my family fit your description to a tee. Both strong, pig headed and nothing ever pleases them ever. I could go on and on, but that would be wasted time. Thank you again, darlin. Your timing is perfect, as per usual. Hope you are doing okay. Sorry I missed your call. xo

    Sent from my Sprint Phone.

    Liked by 1 person

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