As someone who has been through a lot of narcissistic abuse, like many others, I have had to get to know the real me. My parents told me who I was my entire life until our relationship ended, & sadly, I believed them for far too long. I assumed they were right- I was stupid, ugly, fat, a horrible disappointment, wasn’t allowed to have any boundaries, was responsible for fixing other people’s problems, was the reason for any problem in any relationship I had, the world’s worst pet parent & more.
In the last few years, I have gotten very serious about dumping their cruel ideas & getting to know who God made me to be. I hadn’t realized it until today, but in that process, I haven’t forgotten who my parents told me to be. Instead, I still remember it, but I no longer believe it. I choose to believe what God says about me rather than their cruel & abusive words.
I think remembering what they say is important, at least it is for me, so I’m going to guess it may be for some of you as well. It’s a good reminder just how abusive & dysfunctional my parents truly are. That helps me to stay no contact even when the flying monkeys come out. It also reminds me of how long I tolerated such abuse, how I refuse to tolerate that anymore & how much healing I’ve done in the last few years.
Remembering their words also helps me to realize how little they actually knew me. Typical of narcissists, my parents never took the time to get to know me. I am absolutely nothing like what they say I am & never have been. One example is when I was 17 & my mother accused me of having sex with my entire high school football team. I’ve always seen sex as something to be shared with someone special, & never was promiscuous. For her to think I was capable of something like that is absolutely insane. Just more proof of how little she knew me to believe I was capable of something like that. And, if someone knows me so little, then why should I take their opinions of me seriously? You only listen to the opinions of someone who knows something about a matter, right? Would you ask an artist how to fix that pinging sound your engine makes? No- you’d ask a mechanic. So why would you give any credence to the words of someone who knows nothing about you?
Also, criticisms from a narcissist are often nothing but projection. They have nothing to do with you & everything to do with the narcissist. By accusing you of doing things that she actually does, it allows her to be upset about that flaw, to vent her anger or disgust, while accepting no personal responsibility about it or making appropriate changes. If those criticisms aren’t about you, why would you hold onto them, & think they are?
If you think it may help you to remember what your narcissistic parent has said about you as it has me, then give it a try. Think about what they said about you. Or maybe write them down since writing often brings clarity that speaking doesn’t. Chances are, you’ll see how incredibly foolish what was said about you was. Of course it hurt, but it was also foolish. You’ll also see how untrue it was. And, once you realize those were all lies, you can stop believing them & get to know yourself as the wonderful person God made you to be. xoxo